I hate my wife: what can be done, advice from a psychologist

Causes

The reason for such serious changes can be three factors:

a load of unresolved problems and grievances
unfulfilled expectations
unexpected difficulties.

Each of these reasons is worth considering in more detail. Below are conditional situations that often occur in families. All characters are fictitious.

Unresolved problems. Marriage is a union of two people who will often make mistakes. Few people know how to immediately resolve conflict issues. Someone prefers to play the silent game, or hurts their life partner in order to show what feelings they had to endure.

Fedor is like a guest in his house. He doesn’t want to come there, because there he always hears caustic remarks. He is already tired of hearing from his wife that he has the smallest salary, his children do not see him, and in general his existence does not bring anything good. He withdraws more and more into himself and tries to be at home even less often, and leaves most of his salary at the beer store.

Unfulfilled expectations. When a person is in love, the part of the brain responsible for criticism does not work. And girls, trying to please their lover, put in more effort, which they are unable to do after marriage. This can lead to disappointment.

Igor looked at his wife and did not recognize her. He weighed only 50 kilograms when they decided to get married. Now her weight is catching up to a hundredweight, and she has ceased to be attractive to him. Any hint of excess weight causes hysterics, and a glance towards a pretty girl causes scandals of jealousy. He thought that he would show off his wife to his friends, but now he doesn’t want to take her with him to a corporate event.

Before the wedding, Anton was sure that his wife was so attached to her mother because there was no man in their family. But years later he realizes that he was deceiving himself. The wife does everything according to her mother-in-law’s orders, and when he mentions his mother, she begins to get angry. This, as well as the endless barbs of the mother-in-law, are exhausting. Anton doesn’t understand why he’s putting up with all this.

Unexpected difficulties. Losing a job, death of a loved one, forced relocations - all this can unsettle you. Often men and women approach this differently, which leads to serious misunderstandings.

Six months after the wedding, Sergei lost his job, and a couple of months later his wife announced she was pregnant. The lack of money is very acute, and the head of the family is afraid to imagine what will happen when the child is born. Spouses often quarrel when deciding how to spend their modest savings, which are melting before their eyes. It seems to Sergei that his wife does not think about the future or his child, she is only interested in pineapples at four in the morning, on which he does not want to spend the money he has saved for a stroller.

Understanding ourselves

Sometimes you hear from men: “I hate my ex-wife, but I don’t know what to do about it, because we have children, and this can negatively affect their psyche.”
Are they sincere in their words? And where do thoughts of hatred come from in your head? After all, this is such a strong and terrible feeling, often leading to bad consequences. Here, of course, there is no definite answer. And you need to figure it out step by step. In most cases, the reason lies on the surface. Once upon a time, with eyes clouded with love and passion boiling in his blood, the young man took a serious step and proposed to his young lady. But in fact, I was simply not ready for this. He looked at her through the rose-colored glasses of love, not wanting to accept the true qualities, interests, and needs of his chosen one. Everything seemed perfect to him. Endless romance, sex, fun evenings and complete dedication to each other. Not everyone at such a moment thinks about the fact that this is temporary. After all, passion gradually subsides, giving way to habit and sound logic. And at one fine moment you begin to look at your soul mate with completely different eyes and understand that this person, it turns out, is not suitable at all. And for some reason you blame not yourself, but first of all the woman with whom you connected your life. Often this leads to divorce, and the ex-husband persecutes and hates his ex-wife, not understanding why this happens and what to do about it.

It is quite possible that she has remained the same, and the reason for the change in attitude towards her is the husband himself. His wife saw him in a completely different light: not tender and caring, but an arrogant egoist and tyrant. In each specific case the situation will be different. And before looking for reasons in your wife, you need to understand yourself and answer important questions:

Did I consciously make a choice at the time?
Am I ready for family life?
Maybe I myself initially painted a fairy tale for myself, which I believed in, and now I saw it in reality?
Perhaps my negative qualities became fully revealed over time and caused discord?
Or maybe I just don’t understand women and their characteristics?

If after these questions you understand that the changes in the relationship are still in the spouse, let’s move on to the next stage of analysis.

What can you do

Is it possible to somehow influence such strong feelings? In fact, if a person is ready to make an effort, then everything can be fixed. It's better to start with small steps.

There is no magic word or deed that would immediately put everything in its place. To improve relationships, you need to try hard, overcoming failures.

The first step to help change your attitude is to focus on the positive qualities of your spouse. To do this, you can write three positive qualities of your spouse on a small family photo or on your mobile phone and keep it with you. Sometimes, in moments of frustration and disappointment, this list will help you focus on the good.

You will have to come to terms with the fact that some of your wife’s shortcomings will remain forever. Most likely, she herself is not happy with any changes. Such unrealistic expectations only cause pain to both.

Affected pride can remind you of itself for a long time. But instead of reliving old grievances, it’s worth thinking about: did she really want to hurt? Women often say something under the influence of emotions, hormones, some grumble out of habit or out of fatigue.

It is important to learn to talk to each other. Be sincerely interested in your spouse’s feelings and thoughts, listen carefully, even when she speaks for a long time and her words are unpleasant. Women have an unusual reaction to such attention: when she spills everything, and her husband remains calm and reasons with her, she herself feels that she was not right in everything that was said. This works better than any screaming.

Giving in or remaining silent in a quarrel is not at all a sign of weakness. This is an opportunity to show that peace in marriage is more important than personal ambitions. Such an act is a sign of maturity and wisdom.

You will need to learn to talk about your feelings in the right way. It is important to talk about what hurts without blaming. Instead of: “You're always yelling at me!”, you can say: “I would like to resolve this issue calmly. I don't want to quarrel." This is especially important in matters that relate to finances or relationships with relatives.

When disagreements arise, you need to try to put emotions aside and see what feelings are behind your wife's words. There is a valuable rule: resolve disputes before it is time to go to bed. Of course, sometimes you need to let your feelings cool down a little, but don’t go to bed arguing. This will help you start a new day with pleasant thoughts about your wife.

The next step is to do something together. This applies to different areas of life: housework, finding common interests and relaxation. During joint activities, you can learn to communicate casually and avoid sharp corners.

Before marriage, people usually set aside time to spend together in a special way. If you revive such a tradition, a woman will feel loved. This will bring fresh feelings to the relationship and help you love each other even stronger.

Women love not only with their ears. Tenderness and care are what truly captivates them. Research shows that couples who kiss in the morning are much happier than those who don't.

Why does hatred arise towards your wife and is such a reaction normal?

Once such tender and warm feelings gradually turned into real hostility. I don’t want to not only be near the woman I once loved, but I don’t even want to see or hear her. Why did this happen? Let's try to analyze the main possible reasons hidden in the spouse.

Different views on life

At the beginning of the relationship, both were so intoxicated with passion and craving for each other that they did not even notice how different their views on life were. And over time, the loving gentleman began to realize that he and his passion had nothing to talk about, nothing to laugh about together from the heart, nothing to discuss the latest news or the movie they had watched. Because she definitely won’t show interest and won’t support his opinion, which means, from his point of view, she’s too stupid. He can talk with friends on any topic, but she doesn’t understand basic things. If I once studied and received an education, then, having become a married woman and a housewife, I decided that there was no need for further development, and simply settled down near the kitchen stove and my favorite primitive TV series.

Perhaps the man himself does not shine with much intelligence. But... even he sometimes wants to discuss new discoveries in science, music, the culture of different nations, etc. But his wife simply brushes everything off. Like, why do I need this? Naturally, such a parasitic state can begin to irritate anyone.

Another reason to move away may be pregnancy and the birth of a child. During this period, the woman is completely passionate about her condition and the health of the baby. And due to raging hormones, he really begins to think rather narrowly. Exclusively around the theme of mother and child. When a man thinks: “I hate my pregnant wife,” he most likely has in the first place a feeling of jealousy for the unborn baby and helplessness from lack of attention. After all, once it was dedicated only to him alone. And if the family is also low-income, then during this period the lack of finances is especially acute, and the husband is consumed by anger and misunderstanding about why poverty should be created. And as a result, constant quarrels, conflicts, running away from home and divorce begin.

My wife has lost interest in taking care of her appearance

Often, after marriage, a woman calms down and stops taking care of herself. As often happens, at the time of falling in love she was a slender, elegant young lady who looked her best even in the morning. And it wasn’t just that the gentleman seemed so, but in fact the lady made titanic efforts to bind the groom. She was not lazy to get up early, wash herself, put on makeup and even do her hair. And now. Sometimes he’s just too lazy to even wash his hair, so he walks around in a stained robe, with a bun on his head. And the jam from the sandwich drips onto the belly, which has grown over time. And the husband began to understand that he began to hate his wife gradually, and not all at once. The more she turned into the semblance of a woman, the stronger his feeling of disgust towards her became. And there are such beauties walking around - well-groomed and blooming thanks to their youth and light weight. Once upon a time he was proud of his choice. Now he is simply ashamed to appear with his wife alone in public.

Perhaps the wife simply does not have time for herself, since she is completely absorbed in housework and raising children. But how many times has a man seen young mothers with strollers who look simply incomparable? They somehow manage to do it. Because of such thoughts, anger intensifies even more, and contempt goes off scale.

Wife's Frigidity

One of the surest ways to change the attitude of the chosen one for the worse is the constant refusal of intimacy. As a rule, at the beginning of a relationship, passion is in full swing, and lovers simply do not get out of bed. Yes, over time everything calms down, and erotic manifestations become less frequent. But when they are not there at all or they occur as a sop, then resentment, anger, and aggression have the right to manifest themselves. And a woman always has a reason: either she has a headache, or PMS, or she is tired and exhausted. But it happens that: “Okay, so be it, but quickly, and go wash yourself, otherwise you stink like crazy.” The man himself will no longer want anything from such “compliments”. And even in those rare moments of “joy,” the wife behaves like a real log, showing practically no signs of life.

Perhaps the spouse has good reasons for refusing. For example, a gynecological disease that the husband knows nothing about. Or the impending menopause and hormonal imbalance, which extinguishes all desire. Or she was really tired and tired while he was drinking beer in the garage with friends. But can a partner understand this? The fact is obvious, and hence the growing hatred.

Grumpy wife

When the couple started dating, everything was like in a fairy tale - harmony, peace of mind, mutual understanding in everything. It’s just that back then the responsibility for a happy future was not placed on the partner. Over time, having married the guy to herself, the young lady wants to build an ideal unit of society, for which she needs an impeccable husband. And she sincerely believes that she can re-educate him to suit herself. Even if she initially immediately noted that he did not meet her standards. And from here, constant grumbling, dissatisfaction, hysterics, nagging and reproaches from the husband gradually appear. The reasons can be completely different:

earns little;
does not help around the house;
does not pay due attention;
spends a lot of time with friends;
everything is always scattered;
does not take care of himself;
doesn't respect her parents, etc.

If initially the husband tried to take everything more or less calmly, realizing that one can love in spite of everything, then gradually, thanks to this attitude, resentment accumulated in his soul, and he simply began to hate his always grumbling and whining wife. The desire to return home after work disappeared, and there was an understanding that no matter how hard you tried, you would still be criticized and feel guilty.

Why is this necessary?

To want to make efforts, you need to understand why it is needed. At first, there may be no desire to try for your spouse. Therefore, it is worth thinking about personal comfort: living with a loved one is much easier. So it’s worth trying, at least for your own sake.

Divorce does not solve problems, but simply takes away from them. If you don’t learn to deal with difficulties, they will appear in the new union.

If there are children in the family, then a wise, loving father who knows how to resolve disagreements is a good example for them. This will help them grow up to be balanced people and maintain the right attitude towards marriage.

Another reason is the hope for a good result. When a woman feels loved, she is capable of tremendous giving. Some changes may seem impossible, but will happen through love.

Oksana, Zhitomir

Likely consequences

It is important to understand the consequences of hating your wife:

divorce as a mutual desire;
living with a feeling of hatred and the inability to break off relationships leads to the development of constant stress and depression;
aggression, which may involve the use of physical violence;
a man who lives experiencing such negative emotions towards his partner will never be happy, and will not make the woman next to him so;
Children who grow up in a family where the father has a negative attitude towards the mother will not develop normally, and their psychological state will be subject to stress. It is worth understanding how deeply children feel what is happening around them.

Sacrifice and extinguished feelings as causes of hatred

Another reason that relationships end in hatred is the willing role of the victim. When you infringed on yourself in everything for the sake of a man, you were afraid to do something wrong, you lived with this man, but he did not appreciate it. It is quite difficult to survive a breakup calmly in such a situation. It looks like the end of your life. If the man himself infringed on your freedom, did not allow you to breathe in marriage, then this is different. Here, usually after parting, relief comes, indifference comes. Control, both from the female and male sides, is a matter of mistrust in a relationship. Therefore, sooner or later they will crack.

Those who have been fighting for a long time also become enemies. Often a husband and wife live for the sake of their children, but they themselves can no longer stand each other, they are so embittered, tired, and alien. The result of such a relationship is also a break. And hatred progresses, such is the psychology of divorce. Because new problems and clashes begin - what is the cost of one division of property, for example.

But hatred of other people, even if they do not evoke different feelings, means not being indifferent to them. Something hurts a person, the pain is not lived through. This and shifting responsibility onto the ex, saying I hate him, ruined the relationship, it’s all his fault. But that doesn't happen. Both are to blame. If hatred, on the contrary, is on the part of a man towards a woman, it is also usually a matter of psychology. Or in the very reason for the breakup. In any case, you need to get away from hatred; in psychology it is not for nothing that it is considered a destructive feeling. Its destructive energy does not allow one to live in peace and makes a person nervous, distrustful, and aggressive.

Destroying yourself every day with negativity is real sabotage. At the same time, the object of hatred suffers the least here. Often a man doesn't care that you despise him. Especially when he has already recovered from the breakup and lives with another woman. Former partners may generally perceive divorce differently.\

What will help you cope with negativity?

Minimize any communication with your ex-partner. If meetings cannot be avoided due to common children, for example, then try to remain neutral.
Be sure to forgive the man. This will benefit you first and foremost.
Look for useful experiences in past relationships. There was definitely something good. And mistakes always help to avoid similar problems in the future. If you analyze them and draw conclusions, of course.
Start loving yourself. Shift your focus to your life, to your inner state, and engage in self-development. Destructive feelings often lead a person to depression and self-hatred. Eliminate the causes of negative emotions as soon as possible.

If you can’t get over the breakup, you are in a depressed mood, negative feelings literally poison your life, seek help from a psychologist. And also look for support from loved ones, go to the special section of our official website of the Pavel Rakov Shopping Center “Life after separation”. Here you will find recommendations on how to cope with stress after a breakup and start a new life. And I invite you to the online course “Secrets of Women’s Happiness”. On it I will help you open up to new love, raise your self-esteem, and get rid of negativity in life.

Girls, how do you usually deal with hatred? Write about your experience in the comments, I remind you that the answers are anonymous.