Consultation “How to cope with the whims and tantrums of a 3-5 year old child.” Kindergarten teachers, school teachers and educators

Causes of tantrums in children

Hysteria is a state of intense agitation, which is accompanied by sudden changes in mood, outbursts of anger and despair, as well as loss of self-control. Children in hysterics may scream, cry, fall to the floor, bang their fists and even bang their heads against the wall. It is difficult for a small child to get out of this state on his own, so hysteria can last for quite a long time. What are the causes of tantrums in children?

Overwork and overexcitement. Kids can get tired of both monotonous activities (long trips, intellectual work) and emotionally intense events (trips to entertainment centers, active and noisy games with peers, visiting a new place for the baby). If a child is tired, the likelihood of a tantrum increases significantly.
Physical discomfort: pain, hunger and thirst, stuffiness, overheating, and so on.
Inability to describe your requirement in words. Young children often have conflicts and misunderstandings with peers due to the fact that they cannot yet express their desires in words. Adults also do not always understand what a baby wants, who cannot yet or is just learning to speak. Misunderstanding on the part of loved ones often leads to hysterics.
The desire for independence. If parents, being overly concerned about the baby, do not allow him to show independence, this can provoke frequent hysterics. This is especially evident during crisis periods of development (1 year, 1.5 years, 3 years).
Lack of attention. A child who does not receive enough care and affection will most likely try to attract attention in various ways. Hysteria rarely leaves parents indifferent.
Refusals and prohibitions. Due to emotionality and insufficient development of self-control, young children usually react violently to any obstacles to the fulfillment of their desires.
Inconsistency of adults. The lack of a common position on the part of parents regarding the upbringing of a child or the floating boundaries of what is permitted lead to the child’s lack of a clear picture of the world, and therefore a lack of a sense of predictability and safety. In this regard, capriciousness and impulsiveness appear.

Even the most balanced little ones fall into hysterics from time to time, seemingly out of the blue. This most often occurs during periods of crisis of 1 year and 3 years. If a child over 4 years old systematically experiences hysterical attacks, this may indicate the presence of neurological disorders or serious errors in upbringing.

Approaching a crisis: psychological characteristics of “three-year-olds”

The crisis of 3 years in a child is the most important stage in his mental development. He distinguishes between early and preschool childhood. Attentive mothers and fathers can notice its approach based on certain psychological characteristics of the baby.

Children by three years of age:

show interest in their reflection in the mirror;
begin to pay attention to their appearance, strive to please others;
react sharply to failure and defeat;
inquisitive, striving to understand the world around them;
show interest in drawing and designing;
emotional and impulsive;
they begin to insist on their own, often showing stubbornness;
They strive to complete any task and demonstrate the result to adults.

As we see, by this age children begin to form their own “I”, and the opinions of loved ones about their abilities and capabilities also become significant. This is how the child approaches the crisis of 3 years - the time when the usual foundations and rules collapse in his mind.

Two types of children's tantrums

Some teachers and psychologists distinguish between two fundamentally different types of hysterics in children: true and manipulative. This classification is based on the criterion of a child’s awareness of his behavior.

True hysterics occur involuntarily. Emotions completely take over the baby, so he is not able to control his actions, take into account their possible consequences, or accept the persuasion and arguments of adults. The lower parts of the brain (in particular, the amygdala) are involved in the occurrence of this type of hysteria.
Manipulative hysterics occur consciously (the upper parts of the brain are involved in the work). They are usually typical for children of middle and older preschool age. In this way the child wants to achieve the desired result. Indeed, when the baby is in a hysterical state, especially if this happens in a crowded place or if they need to rush somewhere, parents often find no other way out of the situation other than to instantly satisfy the baby’s need (or whim). If adults succumb to such manipulations at least several times, most likely, this model of behavior will be firmly entrenched in the preschooler.

When faced with manipulative hysteria, or “top floor” hysteria, it is important not to succumb to provocations and make it clear to the child that this method of getting what they want is not constructive. When the child understands that a tantrum is not effective, he will stop behaving in this way. If a child’s hysteria occurs unconsciously (a “lower floor” hysteria), first of all you need to support the child and accept his emotions. When the emotional outburst subsides a little, the baby will be able to perceive your words.

Distinguishing one type of tantrum from another can be difficult. But every parent knows their child well and can observe what is the reason and reason for hysteria.

The need for independent decisions

At the age of three, a child wants to be independent. Allow him to do some work himself, teach your child to help around the house. Let him, for example, water your house plants or lay out spoons on the dining table. And let the flower wither, and instead of a tablespoon you bring a teaspoon, the main thing is that you already have an independent child and does everything himself.

Don't make fun of children's tastes if the little one is wearing purple jeans, an orange shirt and a green cap. It is important for the bunny that his choice is appreciated by his father and mother, and the sense of taste will appear over time.

Give your child the right to choose. Consult with him about breakfast, what book he would prefer to listen to, what bucket he will go for a walk with. Allow your child to make personal decisions.

How to respond to your baby's tantrums?

So, how should you behave with a child who is in a state of hysterics? First of all, we need to understand what exactly we want to achieve: to stop the “shameful” behavior as quickly as possible (that is, to achieve an immediate effect), or is the long-term perspective important? Of course, the second one. Adults (parents and other loved ones) must teach the baby to understand his emotions, express them constructively, follow the rules, and cope with difficulties. This cannot be achieved by responding to a tantrum with punishment, ignoring, or simply distracting attention. Here are the basic rules, following which you can stop hysterics and maintain a trusting relationship with your baby:

As soon as you notice that the child begins to cry, let him know that you hear him. You don’t need to immediately enter into dialogue with him, just turn in his direction.
To make the baby feel that you accept his feelings and can share them with him, approach the child and get down to his level.
Analyze the situation and tell your baby his emotion: “you’re angry,” “you’re very upset,” “you’re sad,” and so on. At this moment, most likely, the child will somehow respond to your words, he will begin to gradually become aware of his emotions. You can tell him about a situation when you yourself experienced a similar emotion.

Hysteria develops in waves: first, anger and rage arise sharply, then, having reached their peak, they are replaced by sadness and despair, after which the emotions gradually subside.

Try to find out the reason why the child became hysterical. Maybe something didn’t work out for him, or he really wants to buy some kind of toy, or he didn’t expect anything and got scared. There can be many reasons. If the baby can talk, you can ask him about it directly. If the baby doesn’t speak yet, ask him to show him what he wants, and also show him the possible options yourself. The child will begin to interact with you and break out of the vicious circle of uncontrollable emotional reactions. It is very important not to evaluate or criticize what the baby tells or shows you, but simply listen to him carefully.
When the child speaks out and you understand the reason for his worries, calmly tell him your position on this matter. The opinions and capabilities of adults do not always coincide with the requirements of children, so you should not be afraid to say “no” to the baby. Speak calmly and confidently, clearly justifying your position in a language that the child can understand.
If your child receives a refusal, try to end on a positive note and redirect his attention to something interesting. With preschool children, you can dream together or make immediate plans.

“The kingdom of stubbornness and whims”: what do you need to know about the 3-year crisis period?

The growing up of a child is a series of stable and crisis periods. In a stable period, development occurs slowly and gradually, while in a crisis period it occurs rapidly and brightly.

The essence of the crisis and its causes

The three-year crisis is also called the “I’m on my own!” crisis. A child at this age becomes psychologically distant from his parents, strives for independence, and wants everyone to take his opinion into account. But in many situations he himself cannot cope without the help of adults. As a result, the child experiences a contradiction between “I want” and “I can,” which he expresses through negativism, stubbornness, self-will, and other crisis manifestations.

Parents can notice the first crisis symptoms in a child as early as 2.5 years. The peak of the crisis occurs at the age of 3–3.5 years.

Why does the crisis occur during this particular period?

Firstly, by this time the baby already knows how to do a lot on his own. Eats, gets dressed, goes potty. He strives for even greater independence, but his parents are not yet ready to give it to him. A clash of interests between the child and adults arises.

Secondly, the “three-year-old” begins to actively interact with the social world. Goes to kindergarten, meets new adults and children. The usual methods of communication that he used with mom and dad no longer work. This means it’s time to learn new things and expand the boundaries of your capabilities.

As a rule, the crisis period can last from several months to a year.

It goes differently for all children. Some people torment their parents with endless hysterics, whims and protests, while others may experience rare cases of disobedience and mood swings.

What can affect the course of the crisis for 3 years?

Features of nervous activity and health status. Weakened children with an unstable nervous system and mental disorders experience all age-related crises more difficult than their healthy peers.
Family parenting style. In a family where parents oppose any manifestation of activity and independence of the child, children experience pronounced crisis symptoms for quite a long time.
Tensions in the family. If mom and dad are constantly in conflict or are in a state of divorce, any age-related crisis of the child will manifest itself more acutely.

Three years and the first crisis is an excellent reason to buy your baby’s first GPS watch to monitor his condition, safety and health. With the watch and the “Where are my children” application, you will always know where your child is and what is happening around him.

Main features

The crisis of three years in a child is one of the most acute crises in personal development. Its symptoms are very vivid, so it will be difficult not to notice them.

A child in crisis exhibits:

Negativism

The desire to do something contrary to what parents say. Even if the child’s wishes coincide with the proposal of mom or dad, he still gives a negative reaction only because the initiative comes from an adult.

Three-year-old Kostya plays on the playground. It's starting to rain. Mom invites Kostya to go home, to which the boy refuses. He’s tired and cold, but he doesn’t want to agree with his mother, so he continues to play.”

Stubbornness

The child’s demand to take into account his opinion. The kid achieves something not because he really wants it, but because he himself decided so.

Ulyana is three and a half years old. On the eve of the New Year's holiday in kindergarten, she told her mother that she wanted to be not a snowflake, but a princess. Mom is at a loss: the costume has already been bought, the dance has been learned. What came into my daughter's head?

The parents decided that the next day Ulyana would forget about this conversation, but the girl, upon waking up, immediately declared: “I want to be a princess!” No amount of persuasion or persuasion had any effect on her. Mom had to urgently look for another dress, and dad had to go to the store to buy a crown. As a result, at the matinee all the girls were snowflakes, and a happy Ulyana sat in a princess costume.

Obstinacy

A child’s demonstrative rejection of what adults offer. The “three-year-old” refuses to follow all the accepted rules of behavior in the family and begins to introduce his own.

Three-year-old Masha’s day begins with endless “I don’t want”: “I don’t want to wear tights, I’ll go without them,” “I don’t want to eat porridge for breakfast, I want chocolate,” “I won’t brush my teeth,” “I don’t want to braid my hair,” etc. Mom is already tired of explaining to her daughter that without tights she will be cold, and her teeth will start to hurt if they are not brushed. Masha doesn’t seem to hear her mother and continues to insist on her own.

Self-will

The child's desire for maximum independence.

Vova was playing on the floor with his favorite toy car. One awkward move and the wheel of the car fell off. The boy decided that he could fix the damage himself. I brought glue, opened the tube and accidentally poured it on myself and stained the floor. Under the incessant roar of her son, mom removed the traces of the “accident,” and dad took the car to attach the wheel, to which Vova shouted, “I’ll fix it myself!” snatched it from the hands of the surprised father.

Protest (riot)

The child’s refusal to perform usual actions. Also, the baby can deliberately do what he is forbidden to do. Protest actions are usually accompanied by outbursts of anger or hysteria.

As soon as Mark turned 3 years old, he stopped liking holding on to his mother when they walked down the street. He immediately began to struggle, scream, and throw a tantrum when his mother tried to take his hand. Neither persuasion nor threats helped. One day he even ran away from his mother and almost got hit by a car. It’s good that a woman passing by managed to grab him by the collar of his jacket.

Depreciation

A sharp change in the child’s attitude towards what was previously important to him. Favorite toys, books, activities, as well as adults themselves, may be devalued.

Vika always loved to go to her grandmother; her parents often left her there for the whole weekend. One day my grandmother called in tears and asked to take Vika home. Alarmed parents began to find out what had happened. It turned out that the grandmother, as usual, baked her granddaughter her favorite pies and was just about to treat Vika when she told her: “I won’t eat them. They are bad. And you're bad too.

Despotism

The desire for power over close adults. The child wants to control the life of the family and dictate rules of behavior to the parents. If there are several children in a family, jealousy of younger or older brothers and sisters is connected to despotism.

Kolya has an older brother and a younger sister. He always loved his sister and played only with her, but he was a little afraid of his brother. Everything changed when Kolya turned three and a half years old. He began calling the girl names, pinching her, and taking away her toys. Parents constantly punished Kolya for this, but the situation did not change. Soon it got even worse - the boy literally became a domestic tyrant. He constantly told his parents what they should do, terrorized his sister, and pestered his brother with requests to give him his tablet.

All these crisis manifestations indicate that the child is trying in every way available to him to distance himself from adults and begins to realize himself as an individual with his own needs and desires.

Gender characteristics

Parents should know that boys and girls overcome the 3-year-old crisis in different ways.

Girls:

As a rule, the crisis of three years in girls begins earlier and is more pronounced compared to boys. The most common crisis symptoms are stubbornness and obstinacy;
girls are more emotional than boys, and therefore more often demonstrate emotional excitability and mental stress;
Girls have better developed auditory perception, so they will learn new words (including rude or swear words) faster than boys.

Note to parents:

Speak to your daughter all your requests in a clear and calm tone.
To prevent the girl from being “overwhelmed” by a wave of emotions during a crisis, try to engage in calm activities with her more often: modeling, drawing, music, etc.

Boys:

By the age of three, boys' speech development lags behind girls. Therefore, they cannot always express their emotions and desires in words. Hence – anger and manifestations of aggression;
frequent crisis symptoms in boys - stubbornness, self-will and protest forms of behavior;
The need to explore the world around us is higher in boys at this age than in girls. That’s why they so often break toys and household appliances, climb into every crevice and are constantly on the move.

Note to parents:

Boys have better developed visual perception than auditory perception. Therefore, rather than telling your son “Put the toys away” several times, it is better to show him the box where you will need to put everything.
To satisfy the urge to explore, give your child old cars or broken mechanisms that he will be happy to take apart.

Read more about three-year-old children - A child is 3 years old: norms of physical, intellectual and emotional development.

Preventing tantrums in children

To prevent tantrums, parents need to follow a number of principles:

It is advisable that the child follows a daily routine and also has enough time to rest. For the development of the baby's nervous system, proper sleep, walks in the fresh air, and outdoor games are extremely important.
Pay attention to the baby's emotional state. Talk to him about how he feels at a particular moment in time and why. Parents are the guides of children into the world of emotions.
Teach your baby to express his emotions in a constructive way (for example, if the baby is angry, he can stamp his foot; if the child can speak, then it is best to try to express your demand in words).
Keep calm. If a child watches his loved ones get angry, he will copy their behavior.
Give your child the opportunity to choose and exercise independence. The desire to do something yourself is a natural need of a child who, as he grows up, separates from his parents.
The baby should not have many prohibitions. In order for a child to understand the meaning of the word “impossible,” it should mean only the strictest prohibitions (for example, do not run out onto the road, do not stick your fingers into a socket). It is in your power to arrange your life in such a way that you have to forbid something to your baby as rarely as possible. If you still need to restrict your child in some way, be sure to explain to him the reason for your decision.
Be consistent. Do not cancel your ban, even if the baby begs you, cries or screams. Sometimes it can be very difficult to resist negative reactions to a ban, but believe me, changing your mind will make things worse. Only the persistence of parents gives the child the opportunity to predict the consequences of his behavior.

Small children do not yet know how to cope with their experiences on their own, so do not leave your baby alone if something is bothering him. The child must be sure that you accept his feelings and emotions and want to help solve his problem.

Primary School

This period is difficult because school is usually the cause of moodiness. It could be bad relationships with teachers or other students, or your obsession with grades. The child begins to feel that school is more important to his parents than himself. That is, before he was a necessary, beloved child, but now he is of interest to parents only as an addition to school. The main thing here is to set your priorities correctly. Do you want your child to be physically and psychologically healthy? Then accept the fact that school is an intermediate stage and grades do not mean anything for the child’s future life.

What needs to be done to make the whims disappear? If these are problems with the teacher or another student, try to solve them. If the problem is your high expectations, stop criticizing people for bad grades. Praise your child and you will see for yourself how great it works.

conclusions

Every parent experiences their child's tantrums. In some children they occur more often, in others less often. The peak of hysterics usually occurs in early and early preschool age (1-3 years), older preschoolers are already sufficiently able to control their emotions. At the moment of hysteria, be close to the baby, help him understand his feelings, analyze the situation together and find out the cause of the hysteria. By including your baby in a dialogue with yourself, you prevent a further increase in emotional tension. Only after this is it necessary to express your position and explain to the child why in this case you are making this or that decision.

What to do?

If a 3-4 year old child is constantly naughty, analyze all the above reasons and try to eliminate them. Try to prevent the occurrence of stressful situations.

If whining does start, try to switch your baby’s interest to something else.

“Look what huge tears are pouring from your eyes. Let’s put them in a jar,” says one inventive mom.

Offer your little one a new subject or an interesting activity: watch together or read your favorite book. Communicating together will help him feel your love and eliminate unconstructive ways of attracting parental attention.

Real "male" education

It should be very important for a boy to realize that he is a man. He must understand that he is strong, brave and kind, just like dad. At the age of 3, a boy begins to actively imitate his father; he should feel comfortable next to his dad. The mother should understand this peculiarity of the boy, giving men the opportunity to be together more often. They need to be given more space because they are more active. It is important not to lower the boy’s self-esteem; do not use negative epithets: “coward”, “weakling”.

You need to spend more time playing active games outside. A 3-year-old boy should be given more independence under vigilant parental supervision.

Boys are more likely to show obstinacy and self-will

A mother can teach her child to open the door, help him carry a bag of groceries from the store, or perform simple tasks; the baby will be happy with these innovations. It's nice to be useful and needed.

A little advice for mom: in order to cultivate in a boy the qualities inherent in a man, you sometimes need to pretend to be weak and helpless so that the child expresses himself.