Codependency in relationships: how to get rid of it in 12 steps

Many people are in love relationships that cannot be called happy. In a relationship whose motto is the phrase “it’s difficult for us together, and even more difficult for us apart.”

Such relationships do not seem to be maintained due to the conscious choice of people to be in these particular relationships. It’s as if something inexplicable is forcing them to be together and not separate. Such relationships are called codependent.

And in this article I will tell you about codependent relationships and what codependency is. I'll tell you about the reasons for codependent relationships. And also about the signs of codependent relationships by which they can be recognized.

I’ll tell you how such a relationship develops. What manipulative games do codependents play? I’ll tell you with which partners it is impossible to create a healthy relationship.

I will also share how to get out of a codependent relationship. And how to reduce your codependency so that you can build healthy relationships with people.

What are codependent relationships and codependency?

Many psychologists, when talking about codependency, have in mind its narrow concept. When codependency is a state of dependence in which family members with an addicted person (alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, etc.) find themselves. When they are highly dependent on his behavior.

But there is a broader definition of codependency, when it means any dependence of one person on a significant other.

And codependent relationships are relationships that codependent partners build. When they both focus more not on themselves, not on what is happening inside them: what they themselves want, what they feel and what they need. And they focus on their partner - what he does or doesn’t do, where he is and how he is, what he wants or doesn’t want, how he will behave this time and whether he will finally change or not.

Codependency often originates in the family in which a person grew up. Those who acquired codependent traits and behavior patterns were most likely raised in a codependent family, i.e. in a family with broken relationships.

Codependent relationships are relationships in which the personal boundaries of the participants in these relationships are systematically violated.

Find ten differences

We have already written that codependent people do not have a clear idea of ​​personal boundaries. But it is their stability that allows the individual to develop and realize himself. Our boundaries provide security for what is at the core of our self-identity.

Psychological boundaries separate “self” and “others” into different domains. Let's look at a few examples of how the attitudes of codependent and independent people differ.

Signs of a codependent relationship

• You're not happy with the relationship, but you're not leaving it and you're not doing anything to truly change it. If you do something for this, then only those actions that ultimately turn out to be ineffective.
• You are not satisfied with your partner the way he is. You want and hope that he will change.
• You yourself greatly adapt to your partner and your relationship. In these relationships, you are not yourself, you are not sincere with your partner, as if you are “wearing a mask”, playing some kind of learned role.
• Such relationships are built on a “swing”: they are either very good or monstrously bad. You either want to be together with your man, or you want to separate and never see him again. You either agree with him or diverge. Either you love your partner and “can’t live without him,” then you hate him or stop having feelings for him. Because of such “swings,” relationships look unstable. You can see an example of such instability in the film “Swing” (2008).
• You feel that you and your partner have a “special connection”, you seem to be an extension of each other, you are like two “halves”, but at the same time there is no true closeness between you.
• In your couple, the responsibilities and boundaries between you are confused - it is not clear where the personal space of each of you is, it is not clear who is responsible for what, and who is responsible for what. You violate your partner's boundaries, and he violates yours. You take responsibility for your partner's actions and behavior, or your partner takes responsibility for you.

Test for codependency

To determine your tendency towards codependent relationships, we suggest taking a test developed by famous psychotherapists and authors of books about codependency Berry and Jenae Weinhold. [2] Answer whether you agree or disagree with the following statements:

1. I tend to take responsibility for other people's feelings and/or behavior.
2. I find it difficult to identify my feelings, such as happiness, anger, embarrassment, sadness or excitement.
3. It's hard for me to express my feelings.
4. I feel fear or anxiety when thinking about how others will react to my feelings or behavior.
5. I minimize problems and deny or change the truth about the feelings or behavior of people with whom I interact.
6. I have difficulty forming or maintaining close relationships.
7. I'm afraid of being rejected (rejected).
8. I try to achieve perfection in everything and judge myself strictly.
9. I find it difficult to make decisions.
10. I tend (tend) to rely on the opinions of others rather than act on my own.
11. I tend (tend) to put other people's wants and needs first.
12. I tend (tend) to value other people's opinions above my own.
13. My sense of self-worth comes from the outside, depending on the opinions or actions of other people who, it seems to me, know more about it.
14. I find it hard to be vulnerable and ask for help.
15. I am always being controlled or trying to control, and conversely, I am always making sure that I never find myself in charge.
16. I am too loyal (loyal) to others, even when this loyalty is not justified.
17. I have a habit of looking at situations on an all-or-nothing basis.
18. I am very tolerant (tolerant, able to tolerate) inconsistency and mixed assignments.
19. There are emotional crises and chaos in my life.
20. I try to look for relationships where I feel needed (needed), and then try to maintain them.

The more statements you agree with, the higher the likelihood that you are in a codependent relationship or have a high chance of entering into one. We recommend paying attention to this problem and starting to solve it, for example, using 7Spsy behavior modification technology.

Causes of codependent relationships:

• Lack of unconditional love from parents in childhood, the child chronically did not have important needs met. Which he then tries to satisfy in his adult relationship with that partner who, just like his parents, turns out to be unable to give this.
• Developmental trauma is psychological trauma in early childhood, due to which a person was unable to complete the stages of forming an attachment with his mother and subsequent separation from her.
• Psychological, physical or sexual abuse in childhood. In the family where a person grew up, his personal boundaries were regularly violated.
• Triangulation - when the child’s parents systematically involved him in the conflicts that occurred in their couple.
• A person grew up in a family where someone was either highly addicted (to alcohol, drugs, gambling), or a psychopath, or mentally ill.
• Relationships with a toxic partner as an adult – e.g. with a chemically dependent person (alcoholic, drug addict), with a psychopath, a pick-up artist, with a sexaholic, manipulator or pathological narcissist.

Symptoms of codependency

The most obvious symptoms of codependency are:

• An obsessive desire to control the lives of others. The codependent devotes himself entirely to the dependent. He tries to control every step and sincerely worries about any actions of the addict. Attempts are being made to influence not only behavior, but also the impression made by a particular family on others. The more severe the condition of the dependent and the worse the situation in the family, the more actively the codependent tries to correct it. He will blackmail, beg and persuade the addict, agreeing to any conditions to achieve his goals. At the same time, the codependent will regularly emphasize the dependent’s helplessness, his inability to make decisions and actions. Often, attempts at universal control lead to depression and attacks of sudden uncontrollable anger in the codependent.
• Low self-esteem. Codependents are always dissatisfied with themselves, their family, and the state of affairs. They try their best to make a positive impression on others. And when they fail to do this, they become very upset, become depressed, and take all the blame upon themselves. Families created by such people inherit pathological behavior. In the absence of praise and support from others, codependent individuals can become nervous and intolerant.
• Denial of attachment pathology and downplaying problems. Codependents can prove to the best of their ability the addict’s “normality” and the absence of obvious personal problems. This behavior is driven by fear of judgment and loneliness.
• Dominance of template attitudes. Codependents are sure that “relatives need to be helped”, “love endures everything”, “there is heaven in the hut with your dear one”, “you cannot abandon a friend in trouble.” It is these beliefs that motivate them to take pathological care of the addict.
• Denial of social responsibility. All negative actions of codependents are attributed to the “addict’s illness.” The relationship turns into a “victim and sadist” format - the codependent shows love and care, and the dependent allows himself to “pranks” in the form of drinking, using chemicals, violence, and insults. At the same time, codependents evaluate their behavior positively, calling it the ability to love a person with all the shortcomings.
• Problems with self-expression. It is difficult for a codependent to express his opinion, emotions, experiences. Such a person cannot firmly say “I don’t like this.” He doesn't have his own point of view.

Important information about codependent relationships. What motivates people to find themselves in them again and again?

When a child grows up in a family where events constantly occur that cause a lot of painful, difficult feelings in him. For example, repeated domestic violence, dad gets drunk regularly, parents constantly argue, etc.

Then he needs to somehow adapt to the difficult environment in which he grows up in order to survive. And as such an adaptation, he learns not to feel anything, i.e. suppress your feelings and experiences, using various psychological defenses.

As a result of such suppression of feelings, a person, when he becomes an adult, cannot rely on his feelings. Because of this, he cannot understand whether what is happening in his relationship is normal or not. Is such a relationship suitable for him or not?

And as a result, he spends years in a toxic environment and toxic relationships without even realizing it. Since childhood, he has been accustomed to suppressing his feelings. And when he grew up, he continued to do this in his codependent relationships.

When he experiences discomfort and painful feelings that signal to him that something needs to be changed in the relationship. He tries to suppress them, somehow get rid of these feelings, drown them out. Instead of changing your relationship by solving the problem that caused these feelings. Or instead of breaking up with your partner.

When we grow up in a family with codependent, unhealthy relationships, we develop different ways of adapting to this environment where we find ourselves. Which help us survive.

But unfortunately, this leads to such consequences that, due to these same protective methods of adaptation, we begin not to notice reality, not to notice toxicity. And what helped us survive in childhood leads us, as adults, to repeat those painful stories that happened in our family in childhood.

For example, to cope with situations of repeated violence, a girl explains to herself that nothing bad is being done to her. This protects her from pain and helps her survive in an environment that she cannot change.

But when she grows up, she again finds herself in an abusive relationship and does not leave it because she explains to herself that nothing bad is actually happening in her relationship, and that what is being done to her is not abuse.

This is roughly how our defenses work. And therefore we can build codependent relationships again and again in our adult lives.

"Go talk to him"

My childhood was one continuous hell. Sometimes I remember a story: my father got drunk and started chasing me and my mother. We locked ourselves in the room, and he tried to break down the door with an ax, but it was too strong and wouldn’t budge. Mom broke out the window and we climbed out into the street. It seems that it was the end of October: the puddles on the asphalt were already freezing, and we, barefoot and undressed, ran to our neighbor Aunt Valya. But a few hours later we returned home as if nothing had happened. Dad calmed down, life went on.

Dad drank all his life. Most often he was aggressive and angry, but sometimes he became a kind soul - he could entertain and buy toys. Mom never contradicted him. She endured a lot: drunkenness, beatings, burns and bruises. Sometimes she also drank. She said that this was her cross. When I tried to draw her attention to the fact that something was wrong, oh. At the same time, when my father caused scandals, he often sent me to him: “Go talk to him, maybe he will listen to you.” Then I learned that this is how codependency is formed - a child is taught that he can change the behavior of an adult. This is, of course, not true.

I grew up an introvert and always played with myself. My way of escaping reality was fantasizing about something far away. And one day this distant thing came into my life. When I was six years old, a teacher came to the kindergarten who was looking for gifted children for a creative boarding school. I was musical and artistic: I sang, danced, and performed at city events. They listened to me and offered to go to the city. Since then I left and came home only for the summer holidays. My parents rarely visited, but that suited me rather: no one broke into the room at night, there were no drinking sessions or loud scenes. When I returned home for the holidays, I saw that nothing had changed: my father did not come out of his drinking bouts, the showdowns and fights continued.

The parents had been married for 34 years. It all ended with the death of my father: he was walking down the street drunk, slipped, fell and smashed his head on the stones. When they opened him up, the doctors said that the body was in a terrible state - if it hadn’t crashed now, the liver would have failed very soon.

After his death, my mother fell into depression. Throughout their life together, she took care of dad like a child. She could come to visit me for three days, and then: “We need to go back, my father is there, he’s going to burn down another house.” When he was gone, she seemed to have lost the meaning of life. I called every day and cried. She usually drank a glass of wine in the evenings, but during this period she began to drink more. It took her a year and a half to get over her husband's death. Only after this time she slowly began to make repairs, got a job and met new people. However, my mother still hasn’t given up alcohol.

Partners in codependent relationships

Some people are impossible to form healthy relationships with. No matter how much you try to work on yourself, little will change in your relationship if you are faced with a so-called toxic partner.

Types of partners with whom only dependent relationships are possible:

1. A person without empathy, a “love predator” - this can be a pathological narcissist, a psychopath, a sociopath, a sadist, a manipulator, a pick-up artist, a misogynist. In my opinion, it doesn’t make much difference what exactly this person has. Moreover, these traits and disorders often exist simultaneously in one person. The only important thing is that he is not able to empathize with other people. Therefore, a healthy relationship with such a partner is impossible, no matter how hard you try.
2. A person with a serious addiction is an alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, sex addict. Until the person himself wants to get rid of his addiction, you cannot do anything about it. And you won’t be able to build a healthy enough relationship with him.
3. A pronounced counterdependent is a person who is terribly afraid of becoming attached to another person and being rejected by him, and is also very afraid of losing his freedom. And therefore he behaves coldly and unstable in relationships, unconsciously playing the “closer/farther” game with his partner. Often counterdependents provoke their partner so that he “depends” on them, achieves them, tries to keep them. And if your counterdependent partner is not ready to work on himself and receive psychotherapeutic help, then you will not have a healthy relationship with him.
4. A psychologically immature partner is a partner who constantly behaves like a child or a teenager. Such a person will unconsciously always put you in the role of his parent, i.e. create a codependent relationship with you. And until he matures, psychologically and emotionally “grows up”, you will not be able to have a healthy, mature, equal relationship with him.
5. A man married to another woman, i.e. unfree partner.
6. A person prone to cheating. Sometimes cheating in a couple happens only because of problems in their relationship. But sometimes it’s the partner himself – he simply cannot help but cheat on his loved one. Regardless of how satisfied he is with his relationship, he still cheats. And cheating on your regular partner is a violation of his personal boundaries; relationships in which there is cheating cannot be healthy. Therefore, it is impossible to build a healthy relationship with a person who cannot or does not want to be faithful to his partner.

Consequences of codependency

Codependency can develop into a number of psychological and physical problems. Long-term suppression of one's own desires eventually leads to complexes and distortion of self-esteem. The codependent develops depression, which leads to:

• various psychosomatic disorders;
• lack of appetite;
• suicidal tendencies;
• complete self-destruction.

Codependents are susceptible to various mental disorders. These could be phobias, fears, depersonalization, obsessive-compulsive disorder. Codependents often develop VSD, neuroses, nervous asthma, and physical exhaustion. Left unaddressed, codependency is fraught not only with psycho-emotional problems, but also with deteriorating health. Against this background, extremely serious pathologies can appear: heart failure, hypertension, ulcerative processes in the gastrointestinal tract.

Manipulative games in codependent relationships

In codependent relationships there are usually no clear and open requests and agreements. Instead, people play different games to get from their partner what they want from them.

Some people strive to show themselves helpless in order to arouse pity in other people and a desire to help. Someone is trying to force others to act the way they want through a demonstration of aggression and force. And someone actively helps other people, “saves” them, “sacrifices” himself for them, so that they, in turn, will be grateful to them and repay them in kind.

In general, all manipulative games in relationships can be reduced to three roles - victim, aggressor and rescuer. These roles make up the Karpman triangle, the drama triangle along which all codependent relationships are built.

These games help people get something from others in an indirect way, i.e. avoiding responsibility for your needs.

Manipulation in codependent relationships is built on the fact that you do not have to independently realize your desires, honestly declare them to the other person and voice your request. And to reduce the likelihood of refusal on his part.

Manipulative relationships, in which manipulation is used a lot and often, cannot be called safe and sincere enough. Therefore, such relationships cannot develop into spiritual intimacy.

Cloud of black smoke: living with codependency

Codependency is not a diagnosis from the field of psychiatry and yet it has a catastrophic effect on life. It leads to the destruction of social connections and depression with all the ensuing consequences. A codependent person who suffers from depression (like any other person who suffers from it) is in an altered state of consciousness - and its mechanics are incomprehensible from the outside. The logic of actions in this case is determined not by a sense of self-preservation, a strategy for success in life, psychological defense mechanisms and other natural things, but by pathological patterns of relationships and the state of humiliation and complete lack of prospects in which such people often find themselves.

However, both depression and codependency can be managed. Psychotherapy allows you to resolve these issues; Self-education, support from loved ones and friends, joint analysis of the current situation and a conscious attitude to circumstances help, even if it is not easy to form in the beginning.

The first and most important thing that a person with such a diagnosis should know is that codependency is no one’s fault. It always arises between at least two people, which means that one cannot be blamed for creating such a relationship. This alone destroys the Karpman triangle and takes its participants from the positions of the helpless Victim, the angry Persecutor and the heroic Savior to the positions of equal people who simply find themselves in a difficult situation.

The cycle of codependent relationships

In codependent relationships, people again and again try to satisfy those needs that were not met in their childhood in relationships with their parents. But they fail to do this. And then they accumulate irritation, which over time results in a scandal.

Some time after the breakup, partners begin to miss each other. Their fear of loneliness begins to intensify and they hope that their partner can still change and give them what they need.

As a result, they converge again. And again the same scenario is repeated where people cannot get what they need from their partner.

And similar cycles play out again and again in codependent relationships, making both partners unhappy.

Decision making and analysis of what is happening

It is not for nothing that the “Acceptance” step of the program for codependents is in third place, after recognizing the problem and choosing a “crutch”. At this stage, a person not only makes a firm promise to himself to do everything possible to get rid of the pathological condition, but also decides to be guided solely by reason, not to succumb to momentary weaknesses and not to fall into another codependency. This step allows you to once again verify the awareness of your intention.

Getting rid of codependency is impossible without reflection. The program participant must analyze the situation, look at it from the outside, and evaluate his own actions and thoughts. The fourth step involves confronting a reality that the codependent had not previously noticed.

How to get out of a codependent relationship?

There are two ways to get out of a codependent relationship:

1. Change these relationships, rebuild them into healthier ones.
2. End this relationship, i.e. break up with this partner.

Not every dependent relationship can be rebuilt, because... the other person may not need it. He may not be ready for change, may not want it, it may be too beneficial for him to be in such a codependent relationship, he may not want to negotiate, etc. And then the best way out will be separation.

On the other hand, ending a relationship that was dependent may not give the person anything. He can find a new partner and again create a similar codependent relationship with him.

Therefore, in order to build a truly healthy, happy relationship, it is important to change yourself. It is important to understand your codependency and codependent behavior patterns, to work through what supports this dependence. And learn to build your relationships differently.

And then it will be much easier for you to get out of dependent relationships if you understand that your partner does not want or cannot change, does not want to discuss your relationship with you, or if this relationship can no longer be saved. Or it will be easier for your partner to change his behavior after you, if he wants to.

The way out of codependency is when you start taking care of yourself instead of changing your partner. An attempt to remake another is violence against him. And violence in relationships only aggravates and strengthens the codependent scenario.

Moral attitude and transition to action

Here the patient must recognize his right to change his own destiny for the better, say goodbye to life-poisoning attitudes and behavior patterns, mentally prepare to get rid of codependency, and believe in himself and his strength.

Self-confidence and the need to change are not enough - you need to act. At the seventh stage, the 12-step program for codependents offers to get acquainted with the experience of those who followed the instructions and were able to overcome addiction, and to take note of the components of someone else’s success. Active attendance at trainings, meetings and consultations with mentors is recommended.

What do you need to “work” in yourself in order to build healthy, interdependent relationships?

1) Become aware of your behavior patterns in relationships and codependent scenarios - this is a very important point, because without their awareness, these scenarios cannot be changed.

In codependent relationships, people often use such psychological defense as denial. Therefore, first of all, it is important to get out of the influence of such defenses and accept the reality of your relationship, that they are not really happy with you.

2) Study and analyze in detail codependent scenarios in your past and current relationships. And figure out what you can start doing differently in your relationship.

3) Learn to shift the focus of attention from your partner’s behavior to your inner world. That is, start asking yourself questions: What is happening to me now? What do I think about this? What do I feel? What do I need? What am I striving for? Why am I doing this? Why do I need this relationship, what important do I get from it for myself? How does what my partner does to me resonate with me? How do I feel about this?

4) “Unfreeze” your feelings, i.e. learn to feel your feelings, as well as recognize, name them and express them environmentally.

It is also important to study the information about what our particular emotions usually tell us, what function this or that feeling performs.

5) Learn to recognize your needs and desires. And with the help of my feelings, I learn to navigate what I want and what I don’t want, what suits me and what doesn’t suit me.

6) Disconnect your needs and desires from your partner in a codependent relationship. Assign your desires to yourself, take responsibility for their implementation. And recognize that these needs can be met for you by other people or by yourself, and not just by your partner.

7) Learn to ask other people and receive from them - warmth, care, attention, support, praise. And learn to give it to other people when they ask for it.

Learn to monitor your manipulations and games in relationships. For each manipulation, look for what need you were trying to satisfy with its help. And learn to replace your manipulations with open requests.

9) Learn to recognize your own and other people’s boundaries, protect your personal boundaries and not violate others. Do not shift your responsibility onto others and do not take on someone else’s.

10) Learn to see both “good” and “bad” in the world, in yourself, in other people, in some phenomena. Refuse “black and white” split thinking, notice halftones, learn not to go to extremes. Become more holistic by resolving your internal conflicts. Use “and” rather than “or” more often.

11) Develop your sense of self-worth, self-esteem. Learn to love yourself, take care of yourself and accept yourself for who you are. Study yourself, who you are and what you are, get to know yourself, your true “I”.

Learn to love your inner child, who in codependents is usually very wounded and hungry for love.

12) Start healing your childhood traumas that are reproduced in codependent relationships. Complete what is left unfinished in the relationship with parents. Heal your inner traumatized child.

13) Work through fears associated with relationships - fear of loneliness and fear of intimacy. Codependent relationships are usually structured in such a way that people can avoid both loneliness and intimacy. And for a healthy relationship, both the ability to be alone and the ability to get closer to another person are important.

14) Instead of immature, infantile dependence, learn mature dependence. Mature dependence differs from immature dependence in that it has a choice of whom to depend on and who not to depend on.

The child has only parents, and he depends on them, no matter what they are. And an adult always has a choice with whom to build relationships and communicate, and with whom not. And in addition to depending on other people, an adult also has the ability to rely on himself, which can help him if something happens.

And the way out of codependency lies not in getting rid of your dependence on other people and not in gaining complete self-sufficiency and independence - but in learning to use your natural dependence in a more mature way.

Learn to choose partners who are safe and loving enough to meet the needs that matter to you, and who do not resort to violence. That is, choose people for relationships consciously, and not under the influence of your childhood traumas.

15) Learn to build close relationships with another person. Learn to be vulnerable and sincere with them, learn to trust those people who are safe enough for this and whom you know well enough.

To do this, it is important to learn to get closer gradually, looking closely at the person, how much you can trust him, whether he is reliable and safe enough for this. And learn to feel the distance with people at which you feel comfortable being with them, so that you are not “too close” or “too far.”

16) Learn to build healthy, interdependent relationships without falling into dependence or counterdependence. Learn to use “I messages” in communication, resolve conflicts effectively and in a civilized manner, and also master other skills necessary for a new format of open, sincere relationships.

Getting rid of codependency: 5 steps

So how do you “treat” codependency in a relationship? The main thing that is important to understand is that this is primarily your task. You should not wait in vain to expect from another person that he will change, and your relationship will change along with him. Yes, we always say that relationships depend on both partners. But this is exactly the case when you need to start with yourself. Because this is not so much about relationships, but about taking back your life. Let's figure out what is needed for this.

1. Recognize the problem

The solution to any problem begins with its awareness. Admit that you are in a “sick” relationship, and that for your own safety you need to change the situation as soon as possible. It’s also important to understand that this is not your fault - it’s just the destructive model of behavior learned in childhood. By admitting there is a problem, you can move on.

Learn more about codependency

To get rid of an unhealthy relationship model, you need to better understand the reasons why you get into such relationships, your unconscious motivation, and generally understand the problem of codependency. The following books will be a good help for this:

• the works of the already mentioned Berry and Jenae Weinhold, for example, “Liberation from Codependency”,
• book by American psychotherapist Robin Norwood “Women Who Love Too Much”
• Melody Beatty's book “To Save or to Be Saved? How to get rid of the desire to constantly take care of others and start thinking about yourself.”

Distance yourself from your partner, at least temporarily.

Getting rid of codependency does not always mean leaving a relationship completely. Of course, if there is physical violence or threats from your partner, you need to leave immediately. But if things haven't gone that far, there are likely ways to "cure" an unhealthy relationship. However, in the process of your own healing, it is better to live separately for a while, if possible. This will allow you to switch from your partner’s problems to your own life and quickly move on to the next step.

Remember yourself and your needs

In a codependent relationship, a person forgets about his own personality and ceases to separate his emotions and needs from the emotions and needs of his partner. An important step in getting rid of unhealthy behavior patterns is to again recognize yourself as an individual person who has his own desires, feelings, experiences, and dreams.

To pay attention to yourself, you can try the following methods:

• attention to the body: take a few minutes (you can start with one minute) and during this time concentrate on the sensations of your own body and breathing. Mentally record what you feel: for example, tightness in some parts of the body or a rapid heartbeat. Repeat this ritual at least once a day;
• Pay attention to feelings: set several alarms throughout the day. When the signal sounds, stop and ask yourself what emotion you are experiencing right now. This will help you understand yourself better;
• attention to needs: set aside one hour to sit down and write down your desires on a piece of paper - everything that comes to mind, from the smallest and most ridiculous to the seemingly unrealistic. Remember that you should write about yourself: not “I want Vasya to quit smoking,” but “I want to re-read my favorite book.” Hang this list in a prominent place and re-read it once a day, and also set yourself the task of fulfilling at least one of your wishes within a week. This will help you regain your zest for life.

How to work it all out?

All this work can be done in personal therapy with a psychologist. This is a regular visit to his consultations 1 or 2 times a week, during which you, with the help of a specialist, carry out deep work on yourself, on your unconscious processes, increase your awareness of how you work and how you build your relationships with other people.

Working through codependency requires at least a year of work in personal therapy. And usually even longer. But this is much less than if you work independently or with the help of books, trainings, and webinars. And this is much better than spending your entire life in a relationship where you are unhappy and unfulfilled.

I work in the format of long-term online therapy with problems of codependency and dependent relationships. So you can contact me.

Prevention of mutual dependence

Prevention of codependency should begin in early childhood. The main method of prevention is proper child upbringing. Parents should take care of developing adequate self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-confidence. You cannot forbid a child to openly show emotions, express feelings and desires.

If a dependent person appears in the family, the willingness to resist the pathological attraction should be put in the foreground, and not sympathy and pity. This is the only way to overcome addiction without becoming codependent and save your family.

If addiction and codependency appear, contact the Resident-ReNa rehabilitation center. Trust the professionals! Don't be ashamed of psychological problems! Take care of your future and the emotional health of your children!