I have said more than once that relationships between a man and a woman are formed much earlier than everyone thinks. Any interaction between a woman and a man already creates a certain “relationship”.
Casual sex, a casual glance, a couple of dates or five years of marriage are all different types of the same thing. And each of them provides a certain experience necessary for your development.
Based on this principle, even your first (by definition) relationship with a man is no longer such.
It could be your first romantic kiss at sixteen and your first year of marriage with a man when you're thirty.
But in both the first and second cases, all the thoughts in your head at first revolve only around his image. It is also quite acceptable that you are simply “stormy”. :)
Then you want it all to end. And after a minute, you look over and over again to see if you missed the one coming from HIM.
I have 8 useful tips that will help you not get lost in your first serious relationship.
Experiences within the normal range
Any new experience in life is stressful. Let it be small and let it be positive. But, whatever one may say, novelty is always scary.
Stable and harmonious relationships imply interaction, an exchange of time, feelings, energy that cannot be compared with anything. Therefore, each of your experiences is unique.
If all the questions that come to your mind are “Does he really like me?”, “How does this dress fit on me?”, “Am I too intrusive?” - this is also normal.
The main thing is that doubts disappear on a date. So that they do not become the background of your communication. And you don’t need to tear your hair out if he doesn’t call for an hour or reschedules the meeting (and in advance).
Save yourself and do something. He doesn't have to call every half hour. And, if he really likes you, he will still do it when the opportunity arises.
Tips for guys on behavior at the beginning of a relationship with a girl
The question of how to behave correctly at the beginning of a relationship torments not only women. There are categories of men who also worry about showing off the wrong side of themselves, so as not to frighten off their muse. We invite you to familiarize yourself with five points that women pay attention to when choosing a companion:
- Appearance. Yes, women love with their ears, this is a fact, but they are absolutely not indifferent to what kind of man will be next to her. She sees him neat, in good physical shape, with well-groomed nails.
- Intelligence. You don't need to have five college degrees and a couple of scientific degrees to impress a pretty girl. It is important to be able to maintain a conversation on various topics, to be able to express your point of view on a particular issue, and to be an interesting interlocutor.
- Upbringing. Agree, any girl is pleased when they give her a hand at the exit from the transport, hold the door, and offer to carry heavy bags. This is a serious plus for the gentleman.
- Character traits. Women love confident men who clearly know what they want from this life, who know how to give love and care, who are kind, honest, and decisive.
- Feeling of reliability. A woman needs support, support, a strong shoulder. When a man is in no hurry to share household chores, does not see the prospects for his life, and sometimes is not averse to living at the expense of his chosen one, then such a gentleman is unlikely to be interested in a serious girl.
Not all men can understand women on a subtle psychological level: rarely can any of them put themselves in her place, sincerely empathize and feel certain emotions as vividly as a woman. This is what makes life difficult for a guy at the stage of building a relationship. Let's listen to the advice of psychologists on this topic:
- be passionate in bed;
- don’t forget about romantic surprises and dates;
- show care and attention to your chosen one;
- say pleasant things in your ear;
- give flowers and cute gifts just like that, for no reason;
- take an interest in your loved one’s hobbies;
- Spend weekends together more often, alone;
- be friendly with her parents and close social circle;
- don’t lie, don’t betray;
- know how to listen to your girlfriend;
- don’t criticize, there’s even a reason for it.
What is the “bright future”?
Women have a bad habit. Thinking too much about the impossible. You lost your head at first sight and are already thinking about packing your bags and rushing to the ends of the world for him because you love him?
Slow down!
There is no need to confuse infatuation and love. These are completely different feelings in depth and meaning, and their manifestations are completely different.
Falling in love is wonderful! But we must remember that at the start of any relationship, partners are attracted by qualities that they themselves consider positive. Who also love in themselves.
From here arises the deepest sympathy, seasoned with an emotional outburst. When the passions subside, both begin to notice something different.
To be in a relationship to love and be loved, you don’t have to lose your head, give up your studies, hobbies, forget about friends and life plans.
Look at things more simply. A man should not be the center of your universe. Its center is you and only. And it's not about selfishness. It's about love and self-respect.
Meet, observe, choose, feel, love... With love like with sweets - you need to control the dose so as not to catch diabetes.
Pros and cons of rapid development of relationships already at the first stage
According to psychologists, there is no need for haste in relationships; they should be built step by step, without skipping a single step. The first stage of development is characterized by uncertainty: in order to get closer, people must get to know each other at least a little. If this does not happen, the couple may subsequently miss something important in the relationship. And too rapid a transition from the first stage to the second may even jeopardize the remaining stages. In total, psychologists identify five of them.
Disadvantages of rapidly developing relationships:
- People don't have time to get to know each other properly. Even from ourselves, we sometimes cannot fully understand, let alone others. It takes a lot of time to get to know your partner better (sometimes it takes many years). The general impression of a person is made up of diverse information: about his past, current hobbies, relationships with loved ones, etc. Sometimes the slightest unsightly detail, which is suddenly made public, is enough to spoil the overall picture.
Time balance
In the first relationship, there are two extremes related to time. The first is to spend all your free time together or 24/7.
Here we are talking more about emotional dependence and the lack of one’s own range of interests and needs.
It doesn’t matter whether a self-sufficient person, a man or a woman, always needs time for YOURSELF.
You get used to being with each other, you have fun, good and calm together.
It seems that life without him stops playing with bright colors, chocolate becomes tasteless, and the sky is not so blue... Your mood worsens not by minutes, but literally by seconds, when the date comes to an end.
Another option is a long distance relationship. Someone moves to another city, someone goes to live abroad, study, work... There are a lot of options.
This is how the illusion of relationships is formed. You seem to have started dating, but what will you do next? I will repeat until you remember...
One of the main indicators of a serious relationship is if you meet not only on Saturday night in a hotel room.
Extremes are not comrades in relationships. You can go somewhere without it. This is not only normal, but also healthy.
And yes, if he invites you somewhere, it means he really wants to go there with you. I'm telling you exactly.
Don't forget about friends
Friends were with you before and will be with you after.
There is no need to draw parallels between friendship and love and ask the question “What is important?” This question is incorrect in itself, simply because these are two completely unrelated lines of life.
If there is a desire, there will always be time and opportunity. After all, imagine how you would feel if your friend forgot about you for a month simply because she met HIM.
Or maybe you yourself have observed a similar situation. Your friends fell out of life into the arms of a new hobby, and then ran to you when the relationship ended. And you, naturally, supported. But there’s still a residue, right?
So don't do that. You can also learn from other people's mistakes.
Service
It is during this period of life together that people develop genuine feelings of love. A person is aware of his responsibilities to his other half. The chosen one begins to understand how unique his life partner is. Partners increasingly take into account each other’s needs and desires and try to fulfill their responsibilities properly.
At this stage of the relationship, spouses receive satisfaction from their life together. The chosen one becomes the object of service. Your significant other experiences pleasure by bringing joy to your loved one. Partners begin to respect each other's personal boundaries.
Pleasant surprises
First relationships and first dates are exciting. Especially if you're both trying to get creative and think outside the box.
But you also need to be careful with this. Not all people like surprises and surprises. Not everyone loves extreme recreation, zoos, quest rooms or even movies. Sometimes people just don’t want to leave their apartment.
Sometimes it happens. You don't have to come up with an exact plan for your meeting every time and organize romantic dinners for the two of you.
But it is imperative to focus on the desires and interests of your partner and listen to them. No options.
First, let the man decide. Let him be responsible for where, when and how you meet. Listen to what he says and, just like after a couple of dates, you can easily outline his range of interests.
Relationships are an exchange and you need to be able to not only take, but also give. Moreover, a small initiative on your part is only welcome. Choose what you both like.
You'll see, this will benefit the relationship, and the guy will appreciate this manifestation of care on your part, and will definitely take a step forward, for example, kiss you first.
You can refuse
It is nonsense. Moreover, it is directly proportional to age. If you are 15, you can still doubt and worry, at this age it is allowed. But if you, for example, are 32 and you still haven’t learned to refuse people.
Or worse, you worry about others all the time and never focus on your “wants or don’ts.”
Finally, understand: even if you have a fan, even if he likes you and he has told you about it more than once, you are not obligated to date him.
Just like agreeing: “because it’s necessary,” “it’s time,” “it’s indecent to be alone.”
This doesn't mean don't go on dates.
You can spend time with him to understand for yourself whether you are interested or attracted to him as a man. If anything, unsuccessful dates are a great way to understand what kind of man you definitely don’t want in your life.
But rushing into a relationship simply because someone beckoned you with their finger is definitely not worth it. It ends in hurt, disappointment and heartache.
How to understand “to be or not to be”? Listen to yourself, listen to both your heart and your head! I know it's damn hard, but I'm sure you can do it! Self-confidence is the foundation of trust in the world and men.
This does not mean that you need to trust everyone you meet, but there is no place in life for the “all men are assholes” attitude.
You are the author of your life. There is no need to allow every man you meet to rewrite it for themselves. Even if you like him madly.
Develop, work on yourself and slowly choose a worthy man for a happy relationship, if this is your goal.
How to understand whether the man in front of you is worthy, how to attract his attention and many other interesting nuances of communication between a man and a woman, I tell you in my free online course “Man: Honest Instructions”.
How to understand that this is love
You need to turn to yourself. To do this, you should temporarily stop listening to advice and assessments, the opinions of girlfriends, and parents. They cannot see from the outside what is happening between two people. I offer some factors that will confirm that your feelings are strong and mutual:
- There is no irritation or satiety. I don’t want to leave home and be alone.
- You always think about your beloved - where is he, is everything okay.
- First of all, you share any joys and hardships with him.
- You don't know anything you couldn't forgive or wouldn't do for him.
- Your eyes are not closed, you sensibly assess the positive and negative sides of your partner, but do not try to correct him, respecting his personal choice.
- Feelings are stable. And today, and tomorrow, and in the morning, and in the evening, and during an important working day, you are sure that you will happily meet him, talk to him, hug him.
- There are no secrets, suspicions or jealousy. Complete transparency of relations.
If you have doubts and are experiencing one of the previous stages and are fixated on it, perhaps it is a matter of emotional unpreparedness for love. Sign up for my consultation and I will help you understand the problem and yourself.
Self-esteem at the level
Self-confidence and self-sufficiency always attract attention. You want to communicate and interact with such people.
This quality is key for first relationships. Don't be afraid to talk about your feelings and be sincere, don't be afraid to open your heart. It may happen that you become really close to your boyfriend, and then a breakup occurs.
It happens. Life is like a roller coaster - up and down. And the latter is not at all the same as bad. No need to make a wish, JUST LIVE.
Do not rush things
This doesn't mean playing hard to get.
Any relationship has several stages. After the “candy-bouquet” stage comes the rapprochement stage. Usually “they” spend a lot of time together, meet almost every day, call each other and write to each other, and post photos together.
During this period, a man may show unprecedented activity, especially if it has not yet come to sex. Flowers, sweets, gifts...
Perhaps in this way he wants to please you, but there is another option. Maybe he is a professional "courtist" or simply puts his personal interest first.
And under the influence of dopamine, you relax, forget about yourself and begin to discover your true self. All boundaries, rules and frameworks disappear, and you are ready to surrender to him right now.
This is where I strongly recommend turning on your head. People in love tend to idealize their partner with all possible consequences.
Listen to your feelings
Regularly ask yourself if you are comfortable with this person. We enter into relationships to make things better, not worse. If you feel good together only during sex, and the rest of the time is spent in tension and petty grievances, this is not the person for you.
Healthy relationships make us stronger, happier and even more self-confident, and not the other way around, and this is perhaps the main criterion for the success of a union. Remain yourself, look soberly at your partner, ask questions and listen to your feelings, then everything will definitely work out.
