Victim psychology is a section devoted to a special, learned type of victim behavior. A separate branch of psychological science, victimology describes not only the characteristics of the victim’s psychology, but also the situations in which this behavior is formed, and the moments of the best way out of stereotypical destructive behavior. If we leave such a serious scientific section, then what remains is a more social psychology of the victim’s behavior on an intuitive level, understandable to many. It is common in society to accept suffering as something positive, something that purifies the soul or demonstrates the positive aspects of a person’s character. This is especially true for women who are constantly forced to pull the burden, who do not have the right to allow themselves insolent pleasure, but who receive support and attention when they begin to complain, get into trouble, or ask in a voice that breaks into tears.
The position of victim psychology spoils life, like bad water - the river itself and everyone who comes into contact, because people are not blind and do not want to be in the trap of manipulation. There is no personal development, as well as her ability to take care of herself, there are only constant complaints and demands. The desire of those around them to do something for such people is less and less, because then they are presented as a tyrant at the slightest refusal.
A child’s infantile position of deliberately reducing one’s own strength and disabling one’s capabilities does not come from the internal innate structure of the personality, but only under the influence of the attitudes of the entire society, which uses negativity in relation to everything as the same manipulation scheme that is used by victims. The victims are not taken into account, their opinion is not asked, but they easily make cutting remarks, physical pushes, betrayals, humiliation, lack of salary increases, etc.
Everything you see is a lie
You can play the role of Victim, Aggressor or Rescuer for years. Sometimes this becomes a life strategy and is fixed in character traits. But the Karpman triangle is dynamic. People in a codependent couple change roles - this can happen several times in an hour (for example, during a conflict). And sometimes the roles seem to remain stable - there was simply no corresponding trigger.
“The ultimate goal of this game is to become a victim. Rescuers will put themselves in the position of the hunted in order to then move into the position of the victim. For example, they may subconsciously offer someone the only necessary and correct help. The rescuer may also try to help someone who does not need help. In this case, he may be rejected - then he will feel resentful and become a victim.”
Source
Here's how the drama inside a triangle can unfold:
“I was just trying to help you (the Rescuer comes on stage, he is annoyed, disappointed) ... Not only did you not appreciate my help, but you also attacked me with claims that I was minding my own business! (The Rescuer goes into Victim mode.) Sorry, but what you answered me is already too much... I didn’t want to say this, but now I have to!.. (The Victim is “forced to defend himself” - and becomes the Aggressor).”
American psychologist and psychotherapist Claude Steiner believed: “The victim in reality is not as helpless as he feels. The Rescuer is not really helping, and the Pursuer has no valid claim against the other.”
Who is a victim and its signs
The victim syndrome in psychology, although extensive, has a very clear and targeted description. You can diagnose this condition both in yourself, by familiarizing yourself with the symptoms, and in others. With yourself you will have to think about whether to leave everything as before or whether there is an opportunity to bring positivity into life, but with others you will need to learn to resist manipulation or completely exclude the person from your life.
Constant complaints regarding one’s own health, work, the situation in the country, or even the weather are considered classics of sacrificial behavior. Absolutely any reason and opportunity to whine is suitable and the victim uses them. If nothing hurts, it means they were overloaded with documents, and if they gave you time off, it means it started raining nasty. Concentration on the negative, its active search and almost drug addiction to notifying others about existing problems. It is difficult for the victim to switch to positive things or even think about what can be done to improve the situation.
The psychology of the victim is such that the feeling most often inherent in it, one might even say the emotional background, is resentment. Everyone around does not understand, they offend and do not care enough about the poor and unhappy person, speak with an offensive intonation or mean something bad under plausible phrases. Grievances are not expressed, they are accumulated, nurtured and carefully stored, but still those around them find out about them, only not through constructive dialogue, but through heavy silence or by a martyr’s expression on their face. This gives rise to a lot of claims to others and a style of interaction with society appears, as if a person is owed everything, and a lot, regularly and on an unrequited basis.
In relation to oneself, a decrease in self-esteem and perception of oneself as a small or teenager is characteristic. Other people always seem smarter, their advice is correct, they reason sensibly. This is a way of shifting responsibility - you don’t think about it, and you’re not responsible for the consequences, because the one who came up with it is to blame. And since the world does not particularly care about those who do not think with their own heads, all sorts of troubles begin and then the victim recognizes the reality as frightening and unsafe. It’s like considering a saucepan bad just because it burned when you touched it without a protective glove. The victims’ perception of reality is very specific and, although it is subject to some kind of logic, it is quite distorted in relation to common sense and the principles of responsibility.
Manipulation is an integral part of the victim’s behavior, because if she suffers, then there must be an offender causing this suffering. When such a person is not found on his own, he is made from someone nearby. The husband can be blamed for the loss of youth, the parents for the ruined fate, the boss for the bad appearance, and so on ad infinitum. The victim always has an enemy who receives maximum claims and provocations. Even the ideal ones will be taken out, they will find something to complain about, they will ask for opposite things at the same time, so that there is a reason to be offended by the failure to fulfill one. For example, they may tell you not to help with cleaning, complaining about your health. Another person falls into a trap where helping means violating a request, and not helping means ignoring that the other is feeling bad. There will be complaints in any type of behavior, because victims can specifically do something for others, even when they are not asked, in order to later be reproached for this.
Find ten differences
We have already written that codependent people do not have a clear idea of personal boundaries. But it is their stability that allows the individual to develop and realize himself. Our boundaries provide security for what is at the core of our self-identity.
Psychological boundaries separate “self” and “others” into different domains. Let's look at a few examples of how the attitudes of codependent and independent people differ.
Why do they marry victims?
If things are so bad, why are the girls victims never alone? Why are they regularly dragged to the registry office? Do men really not notice behavioral patterns?
On the contrary, the stronger sex perfectly reads sacrificial signals. Perhaps this is the only type of hint that is understandable to them.
A victim wife is convenient. Therefore, such young ladies are always in demand on the bride market. You start a relationship with them because:
You may never marry them
If a man is looking for comfortable cohabitation “without registration and SMS,” then the victim is an ideal candidate.
She will cook, wash, clean, wait for work, congratulate you on holidays and be embarrassed to talk about marriage.
Another domestic sacrifice is available sex at any time of the day or night. Because: “Men can’t live without this, I need it, you know?!” And she understands.
3 important steps
which every woman should go through
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Video lesson + meditation: How to let go of past relationships
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Take your gifts!
Or get married tomorrow
Getting married urgently is also about sacrifice. Suddenly marrying a person they barely know is a typical scenario for them.
They can be persuaded to do anything
Victims are afraid of loneliness. The fear of being left without a man's shoulder pushes them to outlandish acts.
The man says the code phrase: “I will leave you if you don’t...”. All! The victim gives in and fulfills the demands.
So a woman with complexes can be persuaded to do anything: lose weight, stay at home, work three jobs, have an abortion, give birth to a child, agree to experiments in sex that are unpleasant for her.
No effort on the part of the man, just a timely ultimatum.
This is Love
Sometimes women, accustomed to living in the role of a victim, create a family out of love. They can marry a man who had no intention of being toxic.
But if sacrifice is the only known model of relationships, then the wife herself will occupy the usual niche of “humiliated and insulted.” You can save your family, there is a way out, but the path to victory lies through the psychologist’s office.
"Inner child" without projections
How to get out of the shackles of codependency? Berry and Janey Weinhold suggest analyzing our situation and reconsidering our views on many things that seem obvious to us. To begin with, you can take a test to identify signs of unfinished processes in childhood on the codependency scale.
The Wineholds represent the so-called evolutionary approach to the problem.
“Painful and distressing events can be viewed as developmental crises rather than emotional disorders or mental illnesses. Here are key principles to help you understand the causes of codependency:
- Human development is a continuous process, from the moment of conception until death. This process is sequential: one stage helps to form the next;
- any developmental task that could not be overcome at the appropriate age becomes “additional baggage” later. If many tasks are not solved in the required sequence, human development is overloaded and disrupted;
- incomplete stages of development will strive for completion at every opportunity. Any situation that reminds you of some past event at an unfinished stage of development will bring this unfinished process to the fore. People say they are filled with old feelings or memories of the past. They feel like they are rubber-banded to the original emotional experience when they first tried to complete this stage...”
Psychology of the victim - causes and consequences
The position of the victim in psychology is considered as a formed skill, the development of which is influenced by several reasons. From childhood, the formation of a victim type may begin due to reduced self-esteem. Such children look different, cannot fight back or have a verbal argument, they are more easily singled out by aggressive children and it is on them that they take out their anger. Indeed, aggressors feel weak and afraid, and if the child is not confident, then he begins to get into trouble, which further reinforces the fear. Those who were constantly made fun of in the family become targets in adulthood, and those who received their mother's love only after breaking their knee on a bicycle understood that if it became emotionally cold, then you need to get into trouble and they will love you.
The lack of one’s own opinion completely destroys a person’s position, and he begins to adapt to the opinion of a significant other. Over time, someone who changes like a chameleon becomes uninteresting, because you can inspire him with anything. So they stop listening to them and taking their protests seriously, they can cheat on such people, then say beautiful words and know that there will be forgiveness. Such treatment is impossible with those who know their own worth and have their own position in relation to any event - you won’t fool them, but the attitude will be respectful, more careful or something, because it’s scary to lose.
Despite the superficial negative consequences, being a victim turns out to be very profitable, because increased attention is paid to them. Through manipulation, the sufferer can achieve much more than through honest and hard work; in addition, inside this creates a certain image of his own holiness. When a person is a martyr, he gradually becomes a great martyr, and the rest become mere mortals, and this significantly increases the decrease in self-esteem characteristic of victims. It’s just that the method is somewhat clumsy and does not work with everyone, but the object of complaints and worries can always be replaced.
First, a metaphor.
You travel on a tram, enjoy its convenience, soft seats, warmth, and safety.
The tram is large and iron, and most importantly, it takes you where you need to go. You do not remain in debt, pay money for travel. Full consensus. But then we arrived, your stop, got out and went home. And the tram went its own way. Question: who abandoned whom? You go home, you know - tomorrow another tram will arrive, thank you for bringing me there. How many more of them will there be in life? But the tram has its own path, many people need it, other passengers are waiting for it. There are no complaints, everyone is happy.
Why are there so many complaints from women if a man left for another or simply left? Although, if it’s to someone else, it’s more offensive.
Why are men unhappy if a woman decides that a better man has been found for her? Or are you the very best... Couldn't it be better?
I will explain in the framework of an entertaining “sacrifice.”
A victim is a position of perception of reality and an assessment of an event, as well as a certain state.
Is it possible to improve the quality of relationships?
Of course, you can try. The result in this case depends on two factors:
- How tired the girl is of being a victim;
- Does the guy value his relationship with her in principle?
The only thing that can affect the relationship in this case is an ultimatum like “If you do this again, we will break up.” Words must come from the heart, and they will be heard only if the girl is really ready to put them into action.
There is no point in begging a guy to start behaving differently and talking about his love - he is aware of his own actions and understands that he is hurting his girlfriend. If he realizes that she is not joking when she talks about her readiness to end a toxic relationship, he may begin to behave differently, but that is not a fact.
How not to become a savior
To avoid being drawn into victim games and becoming a deliverer, control your feelings and emotions. Do not offer help or give advice when you are not asked to do so. Do not impose your help and kindness. Otherwise, there is a high chance that some victim will find you. Well, when you hone the role of a deliverer, it won’t be long before you become a victim yourself.
Snow White
After the death of her mother and father, her witch stepmother tries to kill Snow White. The princess flees. Instead of going to people and asking for help (at a minimum) or raising a rebellion against the witch (don’t forget that Snow White was the heir to the throne), the princess prefers to hide in a forest house and live there with seven strange men of very short stature. When a disgusting old woman (a witch) comes to Snow White’s house, she opens the door for her and invites her into the house (where is the logic in that?). After suffering from food poisoning, Snow White falls into a coma and lies in a glass coffin, waiting for the prince to save her.
Author's notes: And I'm thinking, why couldn't you tell grandma “NO” and not eat the apple?
The child’s conclusions after reading this fairy tale: you need to endure insults and suffer. You need to do this long enough, and then they will certainly take pity on you, and then they will definitely save you.
How the game comes about
The initiator is always the victim. She throws invitations both ways: “beat me” and “save me.” In this case, the victim displaces aggression, as well as:
- does not see his own resources, denies their presence;
- refuses to make decisions;
- ask for advice;
- afraid of responsibility;
- avoids independence with the help of “yes, but...”.
The aggressor represses his own vulnerability and displays active, passive or punitive anger. The Deliverer displaces powerlessness, devalues the victim, takes responsibility and makes decisions for the victim, his phrase: “Why don’t you...”.
Perhaps the game “why would you...”, “yes, but...” is the most popular. Such couples can exchange these phrases for hours, but the problem will remain unresolved. Only one thing will change: the victim will receive a portion of energy and attention, the deliverer will assert himself.
If you notice that you yourself often play such a game, then make it a rule to immediately answer “I can’t help you” if:
- the question has nothing to do with your competencies;
- you clearly understand that they want to shift responsibility onto you;
- you often hear first a request, and then “yes, but...”, but do not see actions on the part of the person asking for help.
I know from personal experience how difficult it is. But it's worth it. Sooner or later, the victim will leave you alone, and you will be able to direct your strength wherever you want, and make decisions only for yourself, so that later you will not be to blame for other people’s troubles.
Practice assertive behavior in everyday situations
To become a strong person, you do not need to perform feats or control others. It is enough to act from a position of strength in ordinary life situations. Practice regularly and over time acting confidently will become second nature.
Here are some tips that you can put into practice every day.
Stop asking others for permission
This, of course, is not about forgetting about politeness and invading other people’s borders. The bad habit of victims is that they ask for permission to do actions that are within their boundaries and should be done without someone else's permission.
Be explicit about your legal requirements or make your intentions clear. Instead of asking “Can I exchange the item?” present the seller with a fact: “I want to return the money for the suit, it doesn’t fit me.” Don't ask your partner if you can go to a party or a football match. Communicate your plans directly, without excuses or blame.
You are an adult and can act in your own interests without someone else's permission.
Show confidence in your conversation
Look your interlocutor in the eyes, speak clearly, without long hesitant pauses or interjections, and do not walk in circles. Posture and facial expressions are very important. Stand straight (slouching is a sign of an insecure person), don’t grimace, get rid of nervous gestures.
Don't help people if you don't want to
This may sound harsh. But how many times have you already lent money when you didn’t want to? Or how many times have you listened to your comrades’ complaints about life simply because it’s what you’re supposed to do? Refusal does not make you a bad and callous person. Remember: if you act like a victim while helping other people, you will be taken advantage of. Do good deeds out of a pure heart and free will, and not out of decency or guilt.
Don't be afraid to talk about yourself and share with other people
Victims often choose every word and fear that any information will be used against them. Don't bother yourself with these kinds of fears. Years of fear of showing your true nature in public causes you to forget who you really are and what you want.
Communication is meaningless and empty if you don't open up to other people.
Of course, the information must correspond to the situation and the degree of trust between the interlocutors. Don't go to extremes. The ability to maintain balance is another sign of a strong personality.
Demand high-quality performance of the services you pay for
Check receipts in stores, bills in restaurants, expiration dates and safety of goods. If you are not satisfied with the quality of services, do not hesitate to request a replacement or compensation. Don't let the people you pay turn you into a victim. Don’t just shrug it off and silently leave the store or restaurant - demand quality service, a replacement dish, or a refund.
Learn and exercise your consumer rights. For your money you have the right to get a good product or delicious food. This does not mean that you should argue and create scandals on any occasion. The client can always vote with rubles - simply refuse to pay for bad service or damaged goods. Going to a restaurant or store that doesn’t give you any consideration is a victim’s lot.
To say goodbye to the role of the victim once and for all, it is enough to make a firm decision to take your life into your own hands. Independence, confidence, a sense of self-worth - these are the basis of the behavior of a free person. If you decide to make this a reality, then Wayne Dyer's book “How to Get Rid of the Victim Complex” will be a great help.
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Treating Victim Syndrome
If you suspect the development of victim syndrome, you should definitely contact a psychotherapist. Only this doctor can really help the patient and return him to his previous life, since any medication or physiotherapy is usually not required. Only in rare cases can a doctor prescribe anti-anxiety medications and antidepressants, but this is far from the main method of treating the disorder.
The doctor must conduct an oral interview with the patient, understand his emotional state and find out the reason that led to the occurrence of the syndrome. In most cases, the prognosis of therapy is favorable, since the disease does not belong to the group of congenital ones.
Usually psychologists advise trying to change your attitude towards the people around you, towards yourself and many situations that happen to a person. We need to stop engaging in our own self-deception and regular self-destruction. The patient should control all his actions; do not try to shift the blame onto others; and in assessing the situation, start not from your momentary emotions, but from reason and logic.
It is also especially important to love yourself, because every person deserves it. In this case, strength will appear not only for new achievements and discoveries, but also for a happy life and destiny in general.
Portrait of a patient with victim syndrome
Since the pathology is manifested by a whole complex of different signs, it is possible to draw up a general portrait of a patient with victim syndrome. For such a patient it is typical:
- Depressed mood. People with the syndrome are absolute pessimists. They always notice only the bad and are sure that even their relatives want to offend or set them up. Therefore, they have practically no reason to rejoice.
- Egocentrism. For patients there is no other correct opinion than their own. And if someone tries to convince them, they will only receive a storm of indignation and hysterics in response.
- Not accepting your own failures. This phenomenon can also occur in the lives of absolutely healthy people. In case of disorder, the situation repeats itself much more often. At the same time, the patient completely refuses to admit guilt and, on the contrary, only looks for those to blame. But he is unable to express an opinion because of his own timidity and shyness.
- Joy in other people. People with the syndrome react especially vividly to the happiness of colleagues, friends or even relatives. And it’s impossible not to notice. Patients complain of a lack of luck and luck in themselves and, as a result, are very upset by the success of others.
- The need for increased authority. It is important for patients to regularly feel like a significant and important person both at work and in the family. Their every action and decision requires approval and encouragement. If this does not happen for a long enough time, then the patient develops an inferiority complex.
- Frequent complaints. People with victim syndrome love to talk, or rather, complain. All events that happen in their lives necessarily have negative consequences. And it is almost impossible to convince patients.
- Avoidance of responsibility. This symptom can be noticed already in early childhood, when the child does not admit to what he has done and shifts his blame. But if in youth such behavior can still be considered a manifestation of immaturity, then in adults it is a clear sign of victim syndrome. For example, when a person refuses a promotion at work in order to avoid certain obligations.
- Attempts to evoke pity. At first glance, this sign is not special, because any person would be happy, for example, with the help of loved ones and their care during a cold. But in patients with the syndrome, the need for support is constantly present. Every minute they are ready to talk about any difficult moments of their life, but at the same time they are unable to listen to their interlocutor at least once and help him.
- Expecting only negative results. Patients like to exaggerate the consequences of their actions. They believe that any situation will definitely have an exclusively negative ending. This symptom manifests itself especially strongly when the victim commits some not very good deed.
- Excessive independence. Patients with the syndrome can easily help their friends and relatives, but will be categorically against retaliatory actions. It is important for them to feel unhappy, and this is only possible when there is a negative situation. From the outside, this behavior looks like stubborn and stupid persistence.
- Inability to refuse. People with victim syndrome usually cannot refuse others. Therefore, any request, even the most humiliating for the patient, will certainly be fulfilled. This occurs due to the patient’s fear of remaining alone and unnecessary to anyone at all.
All these signs are common to patients with the disorder. But do not forget that each person is individual, so the manifestations of the disease may vary.
What is the benefit for the victim?
Psychologists and psychiatrists have long come to the conclusion that patients with victim syndrome are excellent manipulators. With their complaints and negative attitude towards everything that happens in life, they easily overcome their goals and achieve unprecedented heights. Moreover, their numerous failures and problems can serve as a good excuse in any situation. And shifting one’s own obligations onto other people is also a fairly thoughtful and convenient move.
Characteristics of the child victim
A child growing up in a family in which he is treated very demandingly and strictly, and is constantly compared with other children, develops the following traits:
- He skillfully plays on feelings of pity, wanting to attract attention.
- Painful reaction to criticism.
- Constant feeling of shame and guilt.
- The desire not to enter into conflict.
- Dissatisfaction with your life.
- Inability to stand up for oneself, to fight back.
- The desire to shift responsibility to others.
- Frequent depression.
Cinderella
Cinderella, despite the fact that she is the legal heir of all property, endures bullying from her stepmother (victim behavior). When the stepmother rudely refuses Cinderella's request to go to the ball, she runs into an abandoned garden and cries bitterly (victim behavior again).
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a magical fairy appears, gives Cinderella a dress, shoes and a carriage, and sends her to the ball. Cinderella meets the prince.
The prince falls in love with Cinderella at first sight! The girl has a unique chance to become a princess. But she prefers to run away again into slavery to her stepmother, because (attention!) she is afraid that the prince will not like her old dress. What stopped you from telling the prince that it would be uncomfortable to dance in the dress the fairy gave him (or spill wine on the dress)? What stopped you from asking the prince for a new dress? What prevented you from going and calmly changing clothes (and doing it BEFORE 12-00)?
The child’s conclusions after reading the fairy tale: you need to endure, no matter how much they bully you, only then will you be good. You cannot say “NO” and defend personal boundaries. You need to live your dream and wait for the prince to save you.
How to get out of the victim position
Follow just two important recommendations.
Believe in your worth and stand up for it
The first step to overcoming the victim complex is realizing the value of your personality. Don't let anyone challenge or diminish your importance. Never put yourself below others.
Start acting like a strong person
Develop the habits of free and independent people, get rid of self-condemnation and complaints about life. Do not expect gifts from fortune, rely on your own strength.
