Hell of a perfectionist. 8 ways to stop doing everything perfectly

Do you think perfectionism is good or bad? In fact, this question is not at all simple, since there are many arguments both for and against. For example, the famous American writer Julia Cameron believes that perfectionism is not at all a desire for the best. On the contrary, it is a desire for the worst in oneself. This is the part that believes that nothing we do can ever be good enough.

What do you think? Generally, people, when asked what perfectionism is, mean by this term the most meticulous attention to detail, flawless execution of assigned tasks and setting new standards for the quality of work, which gives a significant advantage in the work environment. But let's figure out whether the pursuit of excellence really helps, and how effectively it allows you to achieve high results. You will find all the answers in this article.

Types of perfectionism

Neurotic

This is a destructive trait. Such a person has inflated ideas about ideals that cannot be achieved. He gets stuck on unimportant tasks, spends too much time on details and fails to get to the main goal. Worries about feeling important because he wants recognition.

When experiencing failure, he stops enjoying his work and experiences a hard time. Gets depressed. At school, such a person kept a perfect notebook, but did not finish the problems.

Adaptive

Healthy perfectionism. Such a person adequately assesses his strength. He knows that the ideal does not exist, but at the same time he wants the best. Can rearrange work plans and think about positive feedback rather than perfection at all costs.

What is perfectionism

Perfectionism is the desire to follow high standards of activity, independently put forward demands for personality and activity. As a rule, these requirements are excessively high, and the person himself is convinced of the possibility of achieving the best, the ideal. Moreover, he is not only convinced of the possibility of achieving the best, but also believes that he is obliged to achieve the best.

The term “perfectionism” comes from the Latin perfectus, which literally translates as “absolute perfection.” Perfection becomes the goal of human life.

In Russian psychology, people started talking about the problem of perfectionism not so long ago - at the beginning of the 21st century. Since then, researchers have been able to establish a connection between perfectionism and depressive tendencies.

This article deals with neurotic perfectionism, which is characterized by:

• The individual’s preoccupation with the shortcomings of himself and his activities, his own mistakes. Moving forward due to fear of failure or disappointment of others, and not for the sake of the need to achieve goals and development.
• Uncertainty about the result (product) of activity, its quality.
• The importance of parents’ assessments and expectations at any age (researchers are convinced that it is parents who serve as the source of perfectionism).

Research on perfectionism

The concept was first used by the American psychologist Holender in 1965. Alfred Adler and Karen Horney talked about this same topic. They saw the problem as a desire for power and superiority that arises from inferiority.

Then Western scientists developed the structure of the phenomenon. The parameters were identified. British psychologist Frost spoke about the importance of parental behavior. He noted that the craving for an ideal job is not always pathological.

In Russia, research began in the 80-90s. A detailed model was proposed by Natalya Garanyan and D. Khamchek. They named the criteria for healthy and pathological perfectionism. Kholmogorova’s works are also valuable. Together with Garanyan, they described the impact of perfectionism on depression.

Hewitt-Flett Perfectionism Scale

This is a questionnaire scale developed by Canadian scientists. The authors rely on the theory of three components of perfectionism:

• Self-orientation (when a person places excessive demands on himself).

• Orientation towards others (inflated demands on others).

• Social prescriptions (when a person believes that others want too much from him).

The technique consists of three subscales of 15 points. Each one studies one component. The total score indicates the overall level of perfectionism. There are 45 questions in total. You need to answer on a 7-point scale, where 1 means completely disagree and 7 means completely agree.

Among domestic techniques, the questionnaire of Garanyan and Kholmogorova is interesting. He studies several elements of character, the perception of others, high expectations, inflated claims.

What makes perfectionism even worse? Negative factors

In addition to the fact that this phenomenon is often formed in us from childhood, many people also further aggravate it with the following factors.

Fears

This implies an inability to cope with the fear of failure, rejection of your proposal, making mistakes, and even the fear of success itself.

In this case, many people succumb to perfectionism, paying attention to unnecessary details instead of working on the main and really important points. A kind of imitation of hectic activity, they say, I worked my time, but it’s not my fault that I didn’t manage to complete what was planned. That is, fear gives rise to uncertainty and doubt, and as a result, you fall into procrastination, creating the appearance of progress.

Useless thoughts

A whole variety of your own useless thoughts mislead you and cause far-fetched fears. All this contributes to the fact that you begin to make a lot of mistakes and misconceptions both about yourself and about the entire world around you.

Strict rules

Here it is better to have flexible rules rather than rigid ones, which are also associated with useless thoughts and fears. For example, you are creating some kind of thematic presentation and instead of working on it thoughtfully, you delve into the search for the right font and pictures, which lasts for hours. In fact, this is just another reason to postpone what you have planned until later.

Raised standards

Here you should think about your standards, what you expect from your work, and then ask yourself the following.

• Are these standards realistic?
• How achievable are they?
• How flexible are they?
• What problems might arise from indulging in these standards?
• How do they affect your psyche, success and life itself?

The answers to these questions will begin to break down the erroneous belief systems you are following, supporting new, smarter behavior.

Now let's finally look at the most effective strategies for how to get rid of perfectionism, fears, useless thoughts and excessive demands on yourself.

Is perfectionism a disease? This is bad?

Hewitt and Flett noted that passion for a high example is not pathological if the joy of results is correlated with effort.

That is, if you experience pleasure from the result that exceeds your “deprivation,” then you do not suffer from bad perfectionism. Here they usually say: “It was not in vain that I tried” or “It was worth it.”

If you are not satisfied with yourself or others, and your self-esteem remains at zero for a long time, no matter what you do, then you need to consult a psychologist.

Tips to help overcome perfectionism

Of course, we are talking about “bad” perfectionism, because there is no need to fight “good”

:

• First of all, it is necessary to study the world around us
  . Not only from books, films and other fantasies of other people, but also in direct reality. It should be clearly understood that one’s own and other people’s ideas, as well as theories, hypotheses and instructions, are only simplified models of reality, which in itself does not particularly correspond to them.
• You shouldn't give up your ideals, but you shouldn't strive for them either
  . The ideal must be “used” as a guide, and nothing more. So, if you want to play the guitar like Yngwie Malmsteen, you must understand that you will most likely never have exactly the same guitar, exactly the same equipment, the same opportunities for constant practice, or the same finger shape. and the opportunity to perform at the same venues; which means the sound of your music will be completely different from that of your idol - at best, it will be more or less close to him.

Symptoms and signs of perfectionism

How perfectionists behave:

• Puzzled by their shortcomings and mistakes.
• Not sure about the quality of the work done.
• They are waiting for outside assessments.
• They are afraid of not meeting expectations (social perfectionism).
• Constantly compare themselves to others.
• They react sharply to criticism and at the same time get angry with themselves.
• Successes are ignored.
• They live according to the “all or nothing” principle.

How to get out of them and become happy

We all want to be happy, although we each understand happiness in our own way. There are many obstacles on the way to it, one of which is perfectionism. Perfectionism in psychology is a real scourge of modern society. Social networks and many of the values ​​of modern society provoke its development, despite the fact that perfectionism leads not only to dissatisfaction with life, but is also part of depression, anxiety disorders and other psychological problems.

Perfectionism is a person’s desire for an unrealistic ideal and standard in something, which he considers normal, ordinary or the only possible for himself.

The perfectionist denies: denies his own emotions, especially negative ones; denies the possibility of failure or existing failure; denies the success that he has already achieved in this or that matter.

At the same time, even realizing that the standards that he has set for himself go far beyond the norm, a person does not give up striving for them, guided by the conviction: “Having such standards and striving for them will make me better.” But that's not true.

To counter this behavior, researchers put forward the concept of “optimalist” or “healthy perfectionism.”

“Optimalist” is a person who strives for success and happiness, but does this taking into account the real conditions and opportunities in which he is placed.

Do you recognize yourself in these characteristics? Are there areas of life in which you are an optimalist and those in which you are a perfectionist? If your answer is yes, then it’s worth thinking about how this affects your life. Does perfectionism really bring as much benefit as you expect from it?

Reasons for perfectionism

How do people become perfectionists?

People turn into them unconsciously. Upbringing has an effect. Parents do not praise the child, do not approve of him, and often criticize him. He is forced to seek their love. The tendency towards perfection begins even before school or in the elementary grades.

Bad perfectionism is associated with replacing the real world with some kind of ideal. It affects people with an inferiority complex who need compensation.

Level of dissatisfaction with oneself: Repin

In films, everyday perfectionism often coexists with genius. In The Reckoning, Ben Affleck's character arranges food on his plate in a special way so that everything lies as flat as possible, and shows remarkable talent in auditing and accounting. In The Aviator, the main character washes his hands until they bleed and destroys everyone and everything in order to bring his creation to perfection. The real Howard Hughes was not officially diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder, but his painful desire for perfection and the highest demands in everything related to work certainly caused a lot of trouble for his colleagues and customers.

The artist Ilya Repin remained dissatisfied with his canvases even after they reached the exhibition halls. And Tretyakov, who exhibited his paintings, in turn, was dissatisfied with this feature.

One day, while the philanthropist was away, Ilya Efimovich came to the gallery with paints and decided to correct “We Didn’t Expect.” The caretakers were confused, but the artist reassured them: Tretyakov is aware. Having finished, Repin moved on to the next picture. Then to the next one. And he began to edit the canvases one by one.

The artist’s good initiative infuriated the returning Tretyakov. In fact, they did not agree on the changes, and the patron lamented for a long time that after the changes were made it only got worse. Repin tried to laugh it off, but Tretyakov was serious and subsequently forbade him to do so. And when they really needed editing - to remove a little extra redness from the portrait of Leo Tolstoy - they were afraid to call the artist: what if he redoes everything? As a result, Tretyakov himself applied a few strokes, just so as not to resort to the help of a perfectionist itinerant.

In fact, the desire for perfection is not necessarily associated with other mental illnesses - nor, indeed, with genius. It is not always aimed at oneself and one’s work. On Pikabu, for example, there is a tag “perfectionist’s hell” with pictures depicting the imperfection of the world; on YouTube there is a huge number of videos where something is cut “wrong”. Viewing such content causes pain and indignation in users, and comments are full of anger. Try to devote 15 minutes to contemplating such pictures or videos. If you are a perfectionist, you are likely to feel anxious.

There is no single model of perfectionism in psychology. Most often, researchers rely on the theory of Hewitt and Flett, who described its three forms. Each of them can be expressed to a greater or lesser extent.

Self-addressed perfectionism is associated with high internal standards, when a person simply cannot do something anyhow.

Socially prescribed perfectionism occurs when we believe that perfection is expected of us. For example, your supervisor considers you to be a brilliant student and, accordingly, it seems to you, wants to get an ideal term paper from you. As a result, you suffer before the deadline because if she is not good enough, they will be disappointed in you.

Perfectionism addressed to others (people and the world in general). Your partner, with whom you share housing, must maintain perfect cleanliness in the house or declare his love with a certain frequency and proper intonation. And what are these ridiculous grammatical errors and disgusting spaces before commas that infuriate “any normal person”?! And builders are also obliged to lay the tiles evenly, and those pictures should not have appeared on Peekaboo.

Sophie Taeuber-Arp, Dynamic Circles, 1934

Psychologists consider the second and third forms of perfectionism as exclusively maladaptive and harmful, but have not yet come to a consensus about the first.

At the same time, there is a paradoxical positive relationship between a high level of perfectionism and empathy. This may be because people with an ideal fixation have to develop the skill of understanding others in order to gain an understanding of their standards and expectations.

However, self-perfectionism can also take unhealthy forms. There are studies demonstrating the connection of this trait with suicidality.

How to check yourself? Let’s say you have a desire to achieve an ideal in something: you want to become a top specialist in your field. Your level of aspiration is high and probably realistic. But several years have passed, and you are still not “the best.” Ask yourself: “What does this say about me?”

If you begin to compare yourself with more successful peers, suffer and think that you are an unfocused person, a rag and a wimp, and you need to work harder, then things are bad: perfectionism will destroy you. If this only means that you simply have not achieved the ideal, everything is fine.

To find out what science thinks about your level of perfectionism, take the Hewitt-Flett test.

If the result turned out to be good, we recommend adding to your to-do list (most likely, you also keep it - how could it be otherwise?) the fight against the desire for perfection. If successful, you will prolong your life and get rid of anxiety.

Problems and consequences

• Perfectionists constantly suffer from internal conflicts and anxiety. They do not forgive themselves for minor mistakes.

• Obsessed with approval. Having received an excellent assessment from society, a perfectionist will strive for it by any means necessary.

• A person does not enjoy life, does not notice pleasant little things. Good relationships with loved ones and friendly connections fade into the background.

• Mistakes cause stress. A perfectionist lives in tension and does not allow himself to relax.

• He overworks, so he gets sick easily. May suffer from cardiovascular disease due to exhaustion.

Perfectionists often raise their children in the same way. They lay the groundwork for complexes, fears and neuroticism at an early age.

Perfectionism: good or bad

Perfectionism is the result of a destructive authoritarian style of family education, in which:

• high expectations are placed on the child, including the fulfillment of the unfulfilled dreams of the parents;
• parents forbid the child to make his own mistakes and repeat their mistakes;
• require regular improvement of achievements.

In the future, all the actions of a perfectionist will be aimed at achieving the highest results in order to feel their own importance and receive love.

As a child, a child receives first place in all competitions and studies with excellent marks. Receives approval and feels important. Such patterns of behavior are reinforced and continue into adulthood. However, as soon as a person faces life’s difficulties and does not receive recognition, he experiences severe frustration. A repeated state of frustration develops into stress, which often ends in distress. Distress is a source of psychological disorders and psychosomatic diseases.

So is it good to be a perfectionist? I think no. By the way, it is a mistake to consider perfectionists as ideal workers. Yes, they often become workaholics, fulfilling their own responsibilities and those of others, but they are demanding not only of themselves. If someone’s actions do not fit into the perfectionist’s system, then conflict cannot be avoided.

How to get rid of perfectionism

It is difficult to defeat perfectionism in everything using a few universal techniques. Working on character also means communicating with a psychologist. It helps determine the origins and symptoms.

Forgive yourself for your weakness

Narrow down the list of things that need to be “perfect.” For example, if you need to give up perfectionism in cleaning, it is not necessary to rearrange books by size and alphabet or sort things in the closet by color.

Go according to plan

Ideas where we want to come to perfection take time. But this does not mean that you need to think about them constantly or work on a project for days.

Let's say you have a hobby that you are fanatical about. Develop a clear program for yourself where you will devote time to him once a day. The rest - relax, chat with friends or engage in spiritual development.

Approach life with humor

If you make small mistakes, look at them with irony, present them in a funny light. This will help you be optimistic and eliminate unnecessary perfectionism in your work.

Practice time management

Limit your time. For example, you photoshop photos and try to make the job perfect. Set the exact time for each image.

Find your speed that will be normal for one photo. Leave as much as you have completed. Move on to the next one. The average person will not notice minor flaws.

Don't get hung up

Perfectionism constrains people and makes them afraid of where they might go wrong. This is partly due to the fear of a blank sheet - when the result of the work will not correspond to what was planned.

If you need to get rid of perfectionism in your creativity, set yourself the task of composing or creating something new every day. Skip the point you got stuck on last time. No need to mark time

Take a break

When you stop getting joy from the thing you want to be the best at, you need to switch. If you are obsessed with work, you will be distracted by any cultural program or self-care.

Do something you've never done before

Recognize that people won't criticize you for going easy on yourself.

A classic example is a girl who considers herself ugly in comparison with her idol. She spends a lot of time on her look and makeup, thinking that otherwise everyone will point fingers.

If she goes out in ordinary jeans, she will make sure that strangers do not care about her appearance. Everyone is busy with their thoughts.

Don't ignore support

In pursuit of approval, a person does not notice real success. Or, conversely, a perfectionist cares only about his own perception of the results, and he treats other people’s words with disdain. It's important to see it from the outside.

If you are an Internet marketer, an artist, write texts, shoot a blog, show your work to friends or family members. Don't argue when they start praising. Share your achievements with colleagues.

Perfectionism

Creation date: 02/28/2012 Update date: 01/13/2020

Perfectionism is the desire for an absolute ideal combined with the inability to give oneself the “right to make mistakes” even in small things. Moreover, with “mind and logic,” a perfectionist may seem to be perfectly aware that “real people make mistakes,” but some internal, unconscious voice will still tell him: “People make mistakes, and you have no right to this.” As a result, a person experiences frustration, becomes depressed, and becomes a slave to his perfectionism, but, as a rule, he cannot get rid of this condition on his own.

PERFECTIONISM [fr. perfectionnisme < perfection perfection, highest degree]. psychol. Formed by upbringing and environment, an individual’s excessive desire for perfection in actions, deeds, and behavior. A perfectionist is one who is characterized by p. | P. can be the cause of mental disorders due to the perfectionist’s conflict with the surrounding reality with its imperfections. Explanatory dictionary of foreign words

“By perfectionism, psychologists understand a heightened desire for perfection, which can relate both to one’s own personality (and in this case results in the endless cultivation of all kinds of virtues) and to the results of any activity. At the level of everyday common sense, it is often regarded as a valuable personal quality, since it is associated with setting positive, socially approved goals. According to many psychologists, perfectionism is not so much a virtue as a serious personal problem, as it leads to the formation of low self-esteem, high anxiety and generally has a negative impact on a person’s worldview and the results of his activities.” Great Psychological Encyclopedia

As follows from various definitions, perfectionism is a person’s desire for an absolute ideal combined with the inability to give himself the right to make mistakes even in small things. Such a person is unable to tolerate the slightest imperfection in the area of ​​activity that is covered by perfectionism: and this can be work, creativity, love/family, raising children, and appearance... you never know the options, sometimes combined with each other. Moreover, with his mind and logic, a perfectionist may seem to be perfectly aware that living people make mistakes, but some internal, unconscious voice will still tell him: “People make mistakes, and you have no right to this.” As a result, a person experiences frustration, becomes depressed, and becomes a slave to his perfectionism, but, as a rule, he cannot get rid of this condition on his own. In principle, this is quite difficult, because the origins of perfectionism are in the unconscious area.

In the psychiatric understanding, perfectionism is a type of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). Those pictures that are circulating on the Internet under the name “Perfectionist’s Hell” - when all the tiles are smooth, and one in the middle is at an angle, and so on - rather refer to the “psychiatric variety” of this phenomenon. In this case, all human resources are aimed at achieving a certain ideal with a general reduced performance. But the specificity of this manifestation, firstly, is that such perfectionism manifests itself in one specific area; secondly, such a person usually demands “ideal” not so much from himself as from others; and thirdly, he himself is the main evaluator, deciding how far any particular action is from the “ideal”.

And in everyday understanding, the same thing happened with the term “perfectionism” as with many other concepts from the field of psychiatry, for example, with the same depression. The terms went among the people and began to mean something completely different from what they meant before. Yes, perfectionism is the desire for an ideal, and if you analyze the semantics of this word, then the ideal is related to the word “idea”, that is, something intangible. And for now it exists only in the head of its creator. An idealist is the antonym of the concept of “materialist”; idealism is life in some kind of abstraction. And by and large, an ideal is something that does not happen in real life. Not to mention that the concept of ideal can be different for everyone. And it is not always possible to guess what it will be like for the person who will make the final judgment on the result.

In understanding perfectionism, one false premise is often formed. Most believe that the perfectionist is convinced that an absolute ideal exists; but in fact, the perfectionist is convinced that an acceptable non-ideal does not exist. In other words, the quality of any business or thing can only be in two forms: either an ideal ideal, or... well, let's say “complete insignificance.” And everything that is not ideal is a complete insignificance for a perfectionist. If a perfectionist invented a refrigerator, he would not rest until the temperature in the refrigerator reached absolute zero. And if a perfectionist made boots, he would spend his whole life bringing only one pair of boots to absolutely perfect quality, and all his clients would still walk barefoot.

The second feature of a perfectionist is that he is most often internally convinced of the truth of his binary perception of “ideal - insignificance”: he does not have any thoughts competing with this position. Or all intermediate options are swept aside under far-fetched pretexts: “this is unworthy,” “this is the lot of lazy people,” and the like.

What’s curious is that a perfectionist often suffers from real delusions of grandeur: “I must be perfect!” More precisely - “I should not be imperfect.” As a matter of fact, one of the problems of a perfectionist is a pronounced dissonance between internal self-esteem and its real embodiment: on the one hand, a perfectionist is convinced that he is able to do everything better than everyone else and never make mistakes, and on the other hand, he faces problems all his life. the fact that his conviction in this is not confirmed in reality. In other words, a perfectionist, deep down in his soul, rarely doubts that he is capable of doing something better than anyone, looking the best, etc.: all he has to do is finally convince others of this.

“The site Perfectionist.Ru is still under development.” Joke

If we analyze the history of the emergence of “everyday perfectionism”, or “quasi-perfectionism”, or “false perfectionism” - you can choose the option according to your taste - then its roots, oddly enough, most likely go back to the Protestant branch of Christianity, and in Russia - to the so-called Old Believers. What is characteristic of these societies?

First of all, the agricultural structure, brought to the absolute. Then - a mega-family, uniting several separate family branches into a single clan. Thirdly, the northern climate, which is little conducive to agriculture and survival in general, but provokes clan unification for “joint struggle against natural conditions.” Thus, a certain internal ideology is gradually formed: “Be content with little, work as much as possible.” Formally, this is ensuring survival for the entire society, for the entire mega-family. Moreover, as they say, “God is high, the king is far away, and the head of the clan is both king and god to everyone.”

The following follows from the “work as much as possible” attitude: “Never sit idle, there is always work in the house.” The concept of rest in such systems practically does not exist; rest is considered a change in activity. And the most important thing is that the internal hierarchy at the “bottom” of the system is built according to the quantity and quality of work accepted by the clan leader. The main evaluator of “whether it’s done well” is in this case the head of the megafamily, whose word is the truth. And a way to indicate that a subordinate did not work much in any case is the principle “Do not accept work based on quality.” Because if you want, there is always something to complain about: so that the performer in no way rests on his laurels, but continues to “smooth out his crookedness” for the benefit of the mega-family.

And besides, in systems with a hierarchical social structure, not a single leader can live in peace. After all, it’s not for nothing that this device is compared to a ladder: on the steps below there are always those who also intend to climb up, often by pushing and pulling up those above them. Therefore, some managers, concerned not so much with the quality and quantity of activity as with their own hierarchical position, develop a system of a priori humiliation of a subordinate by lowering the grade for his work, even if there is no real reason for such a reduction. But again, we can always say that the work “falls short of the ideal,” which exists only in the boss’s head and may not be fixed. And the fact that the ideal is unattainable is sometimes carefully hidden. Because we need that carrot that will be dangled in front of a person’s nose.

In general, as we know from the same fairy tales, the best way to give a subordinate a obviously impossible request is to send him “there, I don’t know where, to bring something, I don’t know what.” That is, no matter where he goes as a result and no matter what he brings, in the opinion of the external appraiser it will always be “not this or that,” if the appraiser in reality is not worried about the performance of the work, but about his hierarchical position.

One of the common sayings about daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is right on topic:

- Daughter-in-law! Isn't that how you cook cabbage soup? - How should I do it? - I don’t know how, but not like that!

But those who try to bring the work of their subordinates closer to the ideal forget one important thing: those who strive for the ideal (or who are forced to do so) will end up doing nothing useful at all. Because one day he will understand that it is impossible to please his customer. And do something, don’t do it, you’ll still get a reprimand and humiliation, but given equal final conditions, it’s easier not to do it. Or another option: a person would be happy to do it, but is literally afraid of “not doing it perfectly.” And here we remember that both hierarchical thinking and evaluative dependence are based on a binary approach: everything that is not rated excellent is considered bad.

And unlike the impostor syndrome, in which “you are initially a nobody, especially until you have found your Real Place,” everyday perfectionism is disguised as stroking “You’re great, you strive for the ideal! But here and here again I fell short: well, go ahead and strive further!” That is, a performer is designated “good” as long as he strives for the impossible, for excellent grades, and in everything (as opposed to psychiatric perfectionism). Because he has formed an experimental belief with evaluative dependence: he is praised for excellent achievements, but for non-excellent ones (read - bad, worthless!) - he is scolded and beaten. And given its sensitivity (since evaluative dependence is most often formed among carriers of the psychasthenic radical), this beating is perceived extremely painfully. And a person is ready to do anything so as not to be scolded.

Perfectionism is most often included in the so-called parental scenario: in cases where a parent wants to be considered “the best father/mother” in society, but only on the basis that “my child does everything better than anyone else in society.” He develops best of all, dresses best of all, reads poems best of all in kindergarten (and when the child is not given rhymes or is not given long enough, you need to go to the teacher “to find out what’s wrong with the child, he’s so capable!”) Thus, It turns out that perfectionist children are most often raised by perfectionist parents.

The parent of the future perfectionist, step by step, convinces his child that he is “the very best,” but in connection with this, the parent’s demands on him will be increased: “Petya can study for C grades, but you can’t!” “Masha can draw a crooked Christmas tree, but you can’t!” “It’s others who can fail in college, but you can’t!” Because you are capable of more, but precisely because of this, firstly, you are completely deprived of the right to make mistakes even at the learning stage, and secondly, you will constantly be forced to face reality with its actual unattainability of absolute ideals.

Another way to make a perfectionist is the phrase “You will get what you ask for, but only if you are a good boy (girl).” But alas, the “goodness” of a boy or girl is determined by the parent, and if he has a conscious or unconscious goal for some reason to refuse the child’s request, then he will never be good. Firstly, the criteria for goodness will be as vague as possible, unattainable and inconsistent; and secondly, even for a priori good deeds, the child will never receive praise: only complaints. Because there is no such thing as a perfectly executed job.

Parental influence often dresses up in decent clothes: “Who will tell you the truth if not the person closest to you.” But firstly, there is no common truth for everyone, and secondly, even unpleasant things can be said in different ways. It’s one thing - “It seems to me that this blouse doesn’t go well with this skirt, maybe you can try this one?”, and another thing - “This blouse doesn’t go with this skirt, well, you’re stupid, you can’t even dress properly!”

And the leitmotif of parental comments in the case of the formation of a perfectionist is “You are so capable that you have no right to live without striving for perfection! You literally have to do everything better than everyone else! You are special and should do everything in a special way!”

Sometimes you can notice one thing that if a future perfectionist had realized in time, he would not have become a perfectionist: no matter how wonderfully he strives to do something, his external evaluator will always be dissatisfied with at least something. Because, as a rule, he has not only his own ideal, but also his own goal: “I don’t need the wood to be chopped, I need you to get sick of it.” Thus, even if the required thing is done without a hitch, the external appraiser will still find at least one hitch. Even from a taste standpoint. The grade is excellent - but the notebook is dirty, the notebook is clean - but the pants are wrinkled, the pants are ironed - but yesterday I didn’t help my mother... In general, as they say, “you can’t please the living.” But most often this is the ultimate goal of the “expertise”: to show that everything is not perfect again, keep working hard, my friend. And don’t even think about being proud of your intermediate achievements and praising yourself for them: they are not ideal, which means they are no good.

Yes, which is significant: quite often the everyday perfectionist has long integrated such an appraiser into his personality, into his own Parental subpersonality (according to E. Bern). Once upon a time, he most likely had a real mother or grandmother, or another significant adult who constantly showed him that “you are not perfect again, try harder!” And over time, this external Parent contaminates (contaminates, infects) the internal Parent, that is, such an irreconcilable evaluator settles inside the person himself. And a person always carries this expert with him, no matter how far he is now from his long-time mother or grandmother.

How to recognize a perfectionist? He wants to do everything flawlessly or not do it at all. He can't stand it when he does something worse than others. He demands perfection from those around him. He believes that asking for help is a sign of weakness. He noticed an error in the title of this list. From the network

Alas, in many societies - and in ours in particular - everyday perfectionism quite often has a positive connotation. “A person strives to do everything as best as possible!” Sometimes it is even customary to be proud of him. To a large extent, this pride is fueled by those leaders who wear their hierarchical shirt closer to their bodies and who provoke a perfectionistic approach in their subordinates, since this provides unlimited opportunities for manipulation and humiliation. But those for whom activity is more important than hierarchy usually prefer not to hire perfectionists. In the same way, they are often not liked in the work team. At a minimum, because a perfectionist tends to delay the deadline for submitting his part of the work until the last minute, or even does not submit anything at all, because he “didn’t do it perfectly.” A perfectionist really cannot complete a single task properly, since, for example, if you ask him to “saw off a block 1 meter long,” he will achieve maximum accuracy (one milliangstrom or less), and no device that can can be measured, and a tool that can be used to saw.

Theoretically, everyday perfectionism in the situation of “do what is impossible in reality” is a banal situation of neurosis, when internal censorship comes into conflict with the unconscious. So those who proudly declare themselves “I am a perfectionist” are, at best, actually saying “I am neurotic”!

And the concept of “healthy perfectionism” is the same as “healthy neurosis”. A perfectionist differs from someone who “did well, but sees that he can do even better” by one serious fact: if the latter gives away what he did well, then the perfectionist does not. He breaks what he did well (and not perfectly or perfectly), so to speak, over his knee and throws it away. So that no one sees what he did “imperfectly”. The world will never see good enough - but not flawless - his products, whether material or creative, it doesn’t matter.

By the way, it can be noted that a perfectionist, as a rule, especially at first, strives not for his own ideal, but for the ideal of an external evaluator. And here the task becomes completely insoluble: not only is it much more difficult to achieve someone else’s understanding of the ideal than your own, but also an external evaluator - remember? – not so much interested in perfect execution as in still clinging to something. Even if this external evaluator is already inside the person himself: he still does not give this person any right to make a mistake, even the most trifling one. By the way, one of the synonyms for the word “ideal” is the word “impeccable”. That is, when there is nothing to reproach for. And again, if you want, you can always find it - for what.

In the case of perfectionism, we especially clearly see that very “double-edged sword of self-esteem”, when a person either feels obligated to be ideal, almost a god, then his self-esteem plummets to an all-time low - because he was once again unable to become ideal . But he again does not see or perceive the middle.

A perfectionist, accustomed to criticism from an external evaluator as an a priori means of humiliation, unconsciously perceives any critical remark as an attempt to humiliate him. On an emotional level, he cannot separate constructive from non-constructive criticism: and he strains at everything at once, dismissing useful comments that allow him to grow professionally and creatively. Yes, with such a person, as a rule, it is extremely difficult to collaborate, co-author, etc., but again, this is not his fault, but his misfortune.

We can say that a perfectionist wants everything at once. From the outside it looks quite funny, like the excuse “I won’t do such and such a thing because I will never do it as well as that professional over there.” Yes, one can understand with one’s mind that it won’t work out just as well right away, that the path of any professional is strewn with failures, his experience is “the son of difficult mistakes,” but a perfectionist with his fear of “doing it imperfectly, which means absolutely bad” is deprived of the opportunity to achieve such experience, and in essence - the opportunity to learn by making mistakes during learning: we remember that he (or rather, his inner Parent) does not give himself the right to make mistakes. And if the one who does nothing makes no mistakes, then he, accordingly, does nothing.

In hell for perfectionists there is neither brimstone nor fire, but only chipped cauldrons standing slightly asymmetrically From the network

In the treatment of perfectionism, sound skepticism and logic are extremely important. For example, someone says to a perfectionist who got a “B” instead of an “A” in childhood: “A “F” is not a grade!” And here it is important to be able to ask the question: why not an assessment? It is displayed by the teacher, entered into the journal, it means good. Yes, not great, but good. “You must / must do everything perfectly!” - Why? Who do you owe? How did this debt arise? Where's your IOU? And most importantly, how realistic is it for a living person to do everything perfectly, especially if he himself does not feel personal motivation for this, but someone from the outside obliges him to do this?

Any instruction contains such a concept as “tolerances and fits.” The higher the accuracy class of the product, the smaller these tolerances are, but they still exist: moreover, increasing the accuracy class, that is, reducing the tolerance run-up, sometimes requires disproportionate costs, therefore, in each specific case, how important is it to do everything without tolerances at all? And the most reasonable thing is when a person sets these tolerances for himself. Let's say: I must complete this work in such and such a time frame with such and such acceptable quality. Not ideal, but acceptable. Who determines acceptable quality? Me and my customer (not the appraiser, but the customer, if there is one: and if not, then you yourself are such a customer. That is, you determine, first of all, those same quality tolerances).

However, the problem is that not every person can set tolerances for himself and determine precisely from the standpoint of forecast and analysis when and where something will be sufficient. Once on the Internet I came across the following comparison: jerboas that live in the desert get used to getting water drop by drop from a variety of sources. But if you put a bowl of water in front of them, they will not understand what to do with it. They don't know how to use a bowl. They never saw her.

This is approximately the same thing that happens to a person with evaluative dependence: he has not yet learned to form his own criteria, he does not know what the “right to make a mistake” is, he is not able to formulate his goals and objectives: because he has been trained since childhood, firstly, focus exclusively on an external evaluator, and secondly, subordinate your entire life to these external evaluations. In part because he was once intimidated by his potential independence: “You can’t do anything without us!”

And, therefore, if your everyday perfectionism personally bothers you, then psychotherapeutic work with it begins with analysis and elaboration of its basis: that evaluative dependence that makes a person strive to do perfectly, because the internal evaluator tells him: “Everything that is not ideal is Badly". By the way, in Russian there is no word “strived.” I have achieved it, I have reached it, but it turns out that striving (including for an ideal, which does not exist) cannot end (with achieving the goal). You can only stop it as a repair.

Should one consider one’s own desire to improve further, supposedly not for an external or internal evaluator, to be considered perfectionism? Including the desire to learn something new and/or climb higher on various steps. When you say to yourself: “Here I’m great and this quality is enough, but I can and want higher, better, further, more difficult!” At first glance, this is not perfectionism, but at second glance, the nature of the motivation for this desire is extremely important. If it comes from the inner Child - “I want to see what’s next! I’ve never poked that thing with a stick before! I want to try to see if I can jump over that bar over there?” - this is a natural pleasure and drive for life (especially when your inner Adult is looking after the Child’s walk and keeps him from experiments like “Can I jump over a five-story building”). And if the Parent is the motivating subpersonality – “you can do more! you have to do better! you need higher!” - and without explaining who owes it and who needs it - then this is much more like a perfectionist attitude.

Imagine that the Child and the Parent came somewhere for lunch - say, in a hotel - where a buffet was served. And that’s when the Child himself determines what and in what order he will eat, and how much - “first I want that sausage over there!” A piece... another piece... more... no, I don’t want this sausage anymore, now I want that cheese... another piece... more... no, I need to leave some room; Now I want that meat! Two pieces! No, I don’t want three, because I want another cake... this one... and this one... no, these two will be too much, because I want to drink more juice, two glasses, no, not three, but two, three won’t fit” - this is pleasure and drive for life, especially under the supervision of an Adult. And when a Parent says to a Child, “until you eat EVERYTHING here, you won’t leave here” – this already smells very much of perfectionism.

Counseling therapy is useful for a perfectionist when he himself is ready to logically perceive the real picture of his situation: including admitting to himself that he is not at all ideal and is not a standard, and has the right to make mistakes, like an ordinary living person. In the case of perfectionism, this is the most difficult and painful thing for the client: when he has to realize that he is an ordinary living person. Many who come with an order like “help me achieve the absolute ideal” have great difficulty accepting the new alignment in their situation. And in general, the order “to work with perfectionism” rarely happens independently: most often it pops up in the process of work among other other orders.

But perfectionism in any form, as mentioned above, is always destructive: it does not allow a person to learn and move forward, and it is not for nothing that the Russian proverb says that “the best is the enemy of the good.”
And a person who has the word “enough” in his vocabulary (in terms of “I did it well enough in this particular case”) is not a perfectionist. By the way, sometimes it is useful to create the appearance of perfectionism: for example, when you are asked to do something under obviously inadequate conditions (for example, to give an interview without preparation), you can say: “I either do it well or I don’t do it at all.” This, as you remember, has positive connotations in society - and in fact is one of the options to politely say “no” if the conditions of a particular task do not suit you. Orders from the “Electronic Doctor” that are most relevant to the article: I want to live without complexes I want to find out the reasons for complexes I want to know the reasons for complexes I want to know my complexes I want to get rid of complexes I want to learn how to attract attention I want to free myself from complexes I want to stop having complexes I want to allow myself I want to allow myself to be adequate Topics: shyness, excellent student complex, complexes, contamination by external censorship, perfectionism.
© Naritsyn Nikolai Nikolaevich psychotherapist, psychoanalyst © Naritsyn Marina psychologist, psychoanalyst, Moscow

Books

"The Perfectionist Paradox"

A book by Tal Ben-Shahar, an American scientist of Israeli origin. A work about how the pursuit of perfection distances us from happiness.

"Better than perfection"

A book from current clinical psychologist Elizabeth Lombardo about how to overcome your inner critic. The author gives 7 strategies.

“Work and personality: workaholism, perfectionism and laziness”

A major work for psychologists and sociologists, dedicated to the modern perception of professional activity. Author E.P. Ilyin, considers the structure and genesis of the phenomenon.

Target for psychotherapists

The DSM-5 manual is used to classify psychiatric disorders in the United States - and since 2013, the notorious desire for perfection has been included as a symptom. Rigid perfectionism, which involves a constant fixation on the perfection of one’s own and others’ results, rigidity of views and a willingness to ruin all possible deadlines in order to achieve the ideal, is included in the triad of the main diagnostic criteria for obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCD). Psychologists made this verdict after 30 years of research, which proved that an excessive desire for perfection is a dysfunctional trait that interferes with adapting to constant changes and living in general.

Perfectionism is strongly linked to depression and anxiety, suicidal behavior, problems in romantic relationships, and chronic work stress.

Sophie Taeuber-Arp, “Composition with Circles,” 1934
Moreover, in the course of longitudinal studies (when one group of people is observed for many years), it was found that perfectionism is a reliable predictor of early death. If you are overly concerned with striving for perfection, you will almost certainly live less, regardless of other factors. In addition, perfectionists are more difficult to get back on their feet in case of illness: their illnesses are less amenable to treatment. And people with an acute form of this symptom are more likely to commit antisocial acts and even murder.

The findings, to be sure, are disappointing, but thanks to them, psychotherapists receive a new tool: if you start treatment by working on an unhealthy desire for an ideal, you can reduce the manifestations of concomitant disorders.

In ordinary life, we are used to understanding perfectionism as a simple desire to do better, so at first we want to brush aside such a problem. Could there be anything bad about this? Is it better to work carelessly and act on the principle “it will do”?

No, not better. But the problem is that procrastination, missed deadlines, unfinished work or even unfulfilled dreams are also a consequence of the desire to do it perfectly. Because ideal is a cognitive error. If it is not there, then there are no achieved goals. But there is suffering.

How to deal with perfectionism?

Have you asked yourself: Am I a perfectionist?

Try to find characteristics in yourself that will allow you to understand whether we are perfectionists in our lives:

• Very high demand for yourself and others.
• A very pronounced sense of justice.
• Hyper-responsibility, "Excellent student" syndrome.
• High appreciation of order, cleanliness, punctuality, etc.
• Tendency to be rigid with difficulty due to flexibility.
• Fear of failure.
• Tendency to low self-esteem.
• Tendency to work more hours than necessary or specified.
• Unrealistic goals.

Now try to see reality!

Perfectionists tend to be driven by irrational ideas, deep-seated thoughts that cause the world to react in a certain way, which creates cognitive distortions.

First, drive away principles, thoughts and ideas such as “all or nothing” or that everything is done one way or another, when in principle there are a thousand ways things can develop.

If these types of formulas are directly related to reality, it means that irrational ideas carry a lot of weight for a person. And if you direct your life and adaptation to the world towards what is not the healthiest and most useless, then there will be a tendency to mask the pathology. To overcome these ideas, you first need to identify them.

Secondly, you need to learn to adjust your attention and adjust your interpretation so that they are healthier, smarter and more correct. In this sense, it is usually necessary to search for and implement alternative solutions to problems.

Which version of perfectionism is considered the norm?

Until 1978, psychologists agreed that every component of perfectionism was destructive. The first refutation was given by Donald Hamachek when he stated: healthy perfectionism exists! It is developed in people with leadership qualities and high performance. They set realistic goals that correspond to their mental, physical characteristics, level of wealth and social place in society. When achieving goals, a person with healthy perfectionism experiences passion and excitement, and enjoys it. His self-esteem throughout the entire process of working towards the goal is high.

If you recognize yourself, you don’t have to read further - there’s no need to fight perfectionism - you’re doing great and you’re probably a successful person.

The following description illustrates a person with destructive (neurotic) perfectionism. He is characterized by a fear of failure, a desire for unattainable ideals, and an attempt to prove to others that he is better than he really is. He is not satisfied with his work and suffers from mistakes. Even after receiving amazing results, he does not praise himself. As psychologist Tom Greenspon used to say, “Successful perfectionists are successful not because of their perfectionism, but in spite of it.” So, be more critical of statements in books that all rich and successful people are perfectionists.

A short test for perfectionism

One of the forms of destructive perfectionism is procrastination - postponing something until later because the desire to do it perfectly is great, but the potential is small.

Prevention, correction and useful tips

The best way is to make perfectionism your ally. We must remember that the interpretation and evaluation of situations, as well as the meanings that are assigned to certain outcomes, will influence and condition our emotional reactions, perceptions of stress and therefore the way we face problems or threats.

Here are tips so that the desire to improve does not become an obstacle:

1. Identify the presence of “shoulds” in your self-talk, as they can indicate irrational beliefs, absolutist and rigid demands that, if not met, increase unpleasant and excessive emotional reactions. Turn them into flexible preferences: I would prefer... I would like... etc.
2. Perfectionism limits the tendency to think dichotomously: all or nothing, good or bad, perfect or imperfect. There is also a mid-tone and it doesn't have to be grey, there is a mid-tone in all colours. The fact that a person is not perfect does not in any way mean that he is bad, ugly or has no value. Everything can be improved, but the point is to enjoy what is done and not regret that it could have been better.
3. Don't fall into the trap of overgeneralizing: I should always be him or better. Dare to challenge this claim.
4. Organize and plan your goals into subgoals or steps that will improve your perception of self-efficacy and satisfaction while providing flexibility and more realistic indicators of your progress.
5. Increase your tolerance for disappointment: this is an essential ability for a positive learning process. Mistakes are a natural part of growing and learning in life, and they give us opportunities to correct and improve.
6. Focus on the positive and don't give in to catastrophic thoughts.
7. Identify your perfectionistic standards and turn them into achievable, consistent, and flexible goals. They will help you make your subjective assessment more realistic.
8. Use appropriate behavior instead of avoidant behavior. Focus on what you want to achieve, pursue your dreams and goals, don't move just for what you fear and want to avoid.
9. Take the risk of being wrong: To err is human.
10. Separate objective criticism from your assessment as an individual. You are not what you do, and above all, what you do is not a still photograph, it is a film in which things change, you change them.

Remember that whatever the reason you have developed these self-serving tendencies, knowing the motives behind them will be a fundamental starting point for adjusting expectations and promoting favorable changes for the success of your goals and the achievement of your well-being.

Natalia Shakhova

Perfectionism - where is the line between normality and pathology?

Is it good to be a perfectionist? In more moderate forms, perfectionism can have great benefits and be seen as an adaptive trait that helps us survive and perform well in everyday tasks.

The most extreme manifestation of perfectionism can cause significant personal discomfort, difficulties in the workplace and socially, and lead to various psychological problems.

Clinical perfectionism involves striving to meet high personal standards despite negative consequences and relying on self-determination/self-esteem to achieve them. The most extreme form of perfectionism (clinical perfectionism) can cause significant personal discomfort, difficulties in the workplace and socially, and lead to a variety of psychological problems.

Along these lines, perfectionism can cause insomnia, depressed mood and anxiety in a more or less transient manner, but it has also been noted that it can be a risk factor for and maintenance of a number of disorders such as depression, compulsive disorders, hypochondriasis and various manifestations of clinical anxiety .

And research is currently testing cognitive-behavioral as a first-choice treatment leading to a reduction in the discomfort caused by clinical perfectionism and its resulting symptoms (eg, anxiety, depression, obsession, compulsion, etc.).

Can perfectionism be fixed? Cognitive behavioral therapy has been described as an effective treatment for reducing clinical and perfectionism symptoms.

It is important that if a person sees that they may meet the criteria for high perfectionism and that they are causing discomfort or some of the problems we cover here (anxiety, depression, obsessiveness and others), they seek counseling so that they can be properly assessed, diagnosed and treatment.