Sincere friendship between a guy and a girl and does it happen?

They say that friendship between a guy and a girl is a kind of prelude to sex. Or a relationship that has begun, but without the possibility of continuation. Eh, cynics. In Soviet times, comrades of different sexes were friends. Well, or they later received it for inappropriate lifestyle at a party meeting.

And there was no sex. And today everyone only laments that girls, under the pretext of friendship, lure guys into relationships, and then “don’t allow them to see their bodies” for years. Is there such a thing as true strong friendships of different sexes?

Why is it generally believed that it does not exist?

The position that friends are failed lovers is very popular. The reasons are simple:

1. A person judges from his own experience. In life, he really would not have minded meeting a friend or girlfriend, but this did not happen for some objective reasons;
2. That's what mom, dad, school or teacher council said. Other people with their authoritative opinions lay down their attitudes from childhood. That’s why we have illogical attitudes that are not related to personal experience;
3. I really want to believe this. Victims of unreciprocated love can be “friends” with those they love for years and wait for the situation to turn in their favor. This is quite natural;

1. Extreme cynicism. A person is driven by the thirst for profit, the desire for power, and sexual satisfaction. Friendship is only a temporary association of organisms with common goals. Once a goal loses its relevance, it will fall apart. In this case, it is logical to want a more unambiguous relationship;
2. Sexism. Guys believe that girls are not full-fledged people, since their dad told them so. Girls are like guys, although they are “on horseback” in society, but under the heel of the family. That's what mom said.
3. Both sexes do not get anything particularly attractive from the relationship, so the system of concessions, checks and balances. Of course, it is impossible to be sincerely friends with such attitudes.

Talk to a woman about your feelings

So if you love your woman, don't lie to her. Discuss with her everything that in one way or another concerns you, what you feel and what you worry about. BUT! There is no need to complain to her about your financial or work problems or anything else . As I already wrote in the article “Who is a real man? Part 5.4. Should a man pay for a woman?”, a man can complain/cry/ask for advice only from an older comrade, whom he a priori considers stronger, more authoritative, wiser. This could be a father, an older brother, one of your friends, a boss at work, a teacher, etc. But not your woman. For a woman, when a man complains, it is a sign of weakness. But telling her your experiences, especially those related to her, is very useful for your psychological state and for your relationship in general . Watch melodrama films, one of the common cliches of screenwriters, aimed at a quarrel and separation of the main characters of the film - an omission, a misunderstanding, a misunderstanding that the spouses did not say in time. I understand that the topic is not entirely masculine :)), we were not raised that way, and we are afraid and do not know how to do it correctly. That's how it happens :)))

But it is definitely necessary to communicate correctly with your woman and it is useful to be able to do it correctly. How exactly - I will write a separate article about this, or you can find out about this at my trainings for men or personal consultations.

Personal experience of not very good friendships2

Girls have such friends. An amazing young man who is always ready to help in a difficult situation, loves the same films and even reads books. But it’s immediately clear that he wants to date, not be friends. And the poor woman doesn't like him at all.

Yes, it happens that girls are not just happy about the fact of having at least some guy in their dull and gray life, but choose him based on his appearance, voice, behavior, and even the aroma of perfume, it doesn’t matter. Relationships can be good and mutual, but there is absolutely no spark. And that's okay.

Let’s say a friend insists and is offended that he is being “friendzoned.” And she doesn't do it on purpose. She just doesn't like you as a sexual object. Yes, the guy can be a tall, muscular blond with blue eyes and a salary of thousands of dollars. But only a small, wiry brunette can light up a girl. And she doesn't care about the salary.

Over time, friendships with different goals are quite exhausting for both the guy and the girl. And both “friends” part very dissatisfied. The reason is the difference in goals. Over time, the girl develops the stereotype “guys only need one thing,” and they generally stop communicating with men just like that, not for the sake of relationships or work.

Friendship between ex-lovers

We will talk about the possibility of friendship after sexual relations, that is, when there was no love relationship between a guy and a girl, living together, dating, and so on. As a rule, this type of relationship occurs after a one-night stand. Both partners may enjoy this process so much that neither will want to end it after the first night.

Theoretically, and practically, former lovers will be able to be friends. After all, if love did not arise, then why not friendship arise. People who are not connected by everyday relationships and common everyday difficulties often share some important moments of their lives with each other, begin to trust each other and, over time, friendship arises between a guy and a girl. These people have nothing to share, nothing to quarrel about and spoil relationships, because, in fact, in the literal sense of the word they did not exist.

Often, even if they have relationships with other people, former lovers maintain warm, friendly feelings for each other. In this situation, the main thing is that someone does not truly fall in love, otherwise quarrels may arise due to jealousy and imbalance. The result is the same, if people have nothing to share and there is no place for jealousy, then this is an excellent basis for friendship, because if there is sex out of friendship, then why not there can be friendship after sex!

Why is it needed?

If during the relationship a man has become a dear and close person to you, it is understandable to want to continue communication and not lose money from your friend . If, on the contrary, the hobby was light and short-lived, and at the end you realized that you are not very interested in each other, it is not clear why you should continue communication in a new form.

There are situations when girls, breaking off a relationship, leave their ex-lover “to themselves.” The young man, continuing to harbor hope for the restoration of relations, is always nearby, will help if necessary, support, congratulate you on the holiday and will not let you feel lonely. On the one hand, this is convenient: there is always someone who will reinstall Windows, pick it up from the airport, and give you compliments. On the other hand, it is not fair to your ex-lover. The situation can be the opposite, when a man leaves his ex-girlfriend “with him.” It’s not good to put a person in such a situation; it’s definitely not worth getting caught in it yourself. So, when inviting a young man to “stay friends,” honestly answer the question of why you need this . And is it even necessary?

There is a chance!

The greatest chance to part as friends is for a couple whose feelings have slowly and steadily faded away, but respect for each other remains . Or people who calmly and peacefully realized that they now have different goals, so they cannot move on together.

The problem is that such things are very difficult to comprehend calmly - partners usually put pressure on each other, try to win each other over to their side, and things often end in scandals, swearing and unpleasant scenes. And it is very difficult to move from such a situation to friendship.

Don't try to be friends with your ex immediately after a breakup.

As we have already understood, friendship between an ex-boyfriend and a girlfriend is possible in some cases, but you should not do this immediately after a breakup. Don't think that you can become friends with your ex so easily right after the breakup. Your partner may still resent you for ending the relationship. As a rule, the first month after a breakup is the hardest. Then you will gradually begin to recover, and by the third or fourth month you will already be returning to your previous lifestyle. But I want to note that this only happens in cases where you break up by mutual consent. Things could be much worse if you broke up with your ex because he or she cheated.

In any case, you need to wait a while before resuming communication. Then make sure you move on completely from your previous relationship. If you still feel that feelings remain between you, you should not start a friendship. In any case, you will be jealous and worried when your ex finds a new partner. Sit in your room and ask yourself the following questions:

• Would you say yes if your ex asked you out?
• Still worried about a breakup?
• Would you like to spend the night with your ex?

Mom said so

We love our parents and that's normal. But their experience often becomes decisive in our lives. Let’s say my mother is sure that a friend who writes to a girl at night just to chat about French existentialists and tomorrow’s philosophy seminar is not a friend at all, but a potential lover.

Maybe she herself only had friends, or had neither, and the appearance of her daughter was a miracle. Who cares, what matters is that mom broadcasts her valuable opinion every day.

Let's say a friend turns out to be not very good, and posts a video from his last birthday, where the girl was a little out of her mind and danced on the bar counter in shock. This not a happy story is superimposed on the words of my mother, and now, welcome a new person who believes that there is no friendship between a guy and a girl.

Friendship between ex-spouses

And finally, the most difficult case is the possibility of friendship between ex-spouses. Most often, complicating factors are added to the imbalance that was described in the previous example. For example, division of joint property, children, savings, and so on. And the divorce process itself leaves many unpleasant moments for both partners.

Can friendship arise between ex-spouses? Real, sincere, the kind that “in the snow and in the heat” is unlikely, but maintaining respectful, calm communication is still worth it, because often, after many years of married life together, it is not so easy to completely disappear from the sight of a friend friend. This is especially important if you have children together. According to the latest statistics, for every 1 million weddings, there are almost 600 thousand divorces.

That's more than half! And only 1 out of 100 divorces can end in true friendship, according to psychologists. They also believe that friendship with a former spouse is a losing decision, but do not forget that all relationships are individual and unique. If the former spouses are connected by something really important, for example, children, then it is worth trying to maintain communication. But still, if treason or betrayal was involved in the relationship, then there can be no talk of friendship if each of the former spouses has self-respect.

Non-reciprocal love4

Everyone had one. Usually a person tries to close himself off from pain and breaks off contact with his lover, only sometimes continuing to dream. This is a pretty healthy strategy if you have the strength to move on peacefully. But it doesn’t work well if there are no such forces. And the lover can begin to actively “make friends.”

The appearance of such friends in life only makes things worse, because a person constantly falls into the trap of the difference between his desires and capabilities. Over the years, he becomes more and more disappointed, and the pain transforms into disappointment, and the person ceases to perceive reality adequately.

It may seem to him that life in general is unfair, and there is no love or friendship. Such a person needs to try to get out of the abyss of negativity, and not focus his attention on broadcasting negative thoughts outward.

Is cynicism man’s friend, or what?5

The most cynical people are former romantics who tried to go through thorns to the stars. In fact, if a person evaluates relationships from the perspective of benefits, he can:

1. “be friends” with anyone, if his “friend” or “girlfriend” can solve the necessary issue, help with business, get him a job, and even give him a test to write off;
2. quickly part with a person who has become useless. It is precisely these “comrades” who quickly leave the bankrupt rich, singers and poets who have ceased to be popular, and even bloggers who have flown away from the wave of hype. They behave approximately the same way in the family. Has your wife gained weight after giving birth? No, we will not help her with the child, so that she goes to the gym, we will find ourselves a mistress. Has your husband lost his job? Why do we need one, we quickly go to mom and register on Tinder;
3. “selling” your friends for money, social preferences or some other benefits. A person goes over his head, if he has to choose between money and friendship, he will choose money. And the environment is also based on the principle of “profitable or unprofitable”, and not according to other criteria.

Cynics can truly fall in love or become friends, but this is rare. Yet, most of them are actively trying to obtain material benefits, not spiritual ones.

Cynical girls can exploit their “friend” in any way they want. For example, someone needs to show their parents that their personal life is in order. The friend quickly transforms into the “boyfriend.” And then, when it’s not profitable, he goes back to the “friend zone.”

Cynical guys may use a “girlfriend” to get acquainted with her sister or someone else in a close circle, and then, when the goal is achieved, not even respond to messages on social networks.

Maybe it's just a disguised attraction

Yes, this option is certainly possible. But you shouldn’t spoil relationships because of simple speculation, when you can find out exactly what lies behind friendly conversations. Clear signs of sexual desire may include:

• Excessive attention and the need to always be together.
• Frequent gifts.
• The desire to spend time only alone, and not in common companies.
• Too frequent tactile contacts.
• Jealousy of your friends and partners.

In fact, it is not difficult to understand what feelings your friend has for you. It’s just that some of us don’t want to notice the obvious and lose a loved one.

Sexism and friendship6

It’s sad, but despite the declared equality, we are too focused on the “gender difference.” Some argue that guys “only think about one thing,” others say that girls are too materialistic and cynical, and will only be “friends” if you have a simple provincial salary and don’t have a car.

The girls are too weak and it’s not interesting to go hiking with them. The guys are too rude and don’t understand art; you can’t invite them to the exhibition. All of these are manifestations of sexism.

Discrimination against a person because of his gender, or more precisely, the perception of him due to social stereotypes “you’re a girl” and “you’re a boy” hinder the friendship of a man and a woman. In patriarchal countries, religious prohibitions also put pressure. In general, there is no chance.

At the same time, there is even such a type as “the guy.” This is a girl who is interested in cars, football, games, sports, can drink beer without making jokes about excess weight, and support any conversation. Stereotypically, they are friends with such girls, borrow 1000 rubles from them until their salary, and even drink beer with them.

But according to the majority, one does not start a relationship with such people. The girl who is “her guy” will hang out on the outskirts of the male world as a kind of universal comrade who wants more, but gets nothing. After all, he fell into the “only friend” category. What is a friend zone and how to avoid it, read on at the link.

Signs of true friendship

Psychologists identify 5 main signs by which one can determine how real the friendship between an adult man and woman is:

1. Lack of sexual desire. Relationships in which there is room for unambiguous hints and flirting can hardly be called “purely friendly.” Emotional development between two partners cannot remain at the level of flirtatious glances and caustic compliments. Sooner or later one of you will want more. Your relationship will either move to the next level or simply end.

Friends have no desire to play such “cat and mouse”. If a guy or girl doesn’t set a goal to please, their relationship is as honest and open as possible. Real friends don't try to look better than they really are. After all, they are loved for who they are in real life.

1. Everyone has their own personal territory. The lack of romantic attraction between friends of different sexes does not interfere in any way, and even helps in arranging a personal life with other partners. The comrade knows exactly your marital status, and under favorable circumstances, he knows your spouse.

Bonus - advice and recommendations from a real representative of the opposite sex. You could say that you have a secret agent in the opposite camp who will share secrets and explain the behavior of your potential lover.

1. There are no prohibitions or taboos. In the event that friendship between a man and a woman implies only a friendly relationship, new acquaintances do not bother anyone. A single guy can easily start an affair with one of your girlfriends. And in return, you ask your friend to meet his handsome unmarried colleague. For true friends, this is the norm. But if your requests are refused or you are unwilling to discuss this topic, this is a reason to think about it.
2. In the first place is the beloved woman. No matter how close you are to your guy friend, it is logical and right that his life partner will always be a priority. A friend will help you in a difficult situation with advice and will come to the rescue if possible. But if a man abandons all his affairs, work, even his family, and then rushes across the city to you after the first call, the matter here, most likely, is far from friendship. This rule works in the opposite situation. Your friend's interests cannot be more important than the requests of your husband or boyfriend.
3. Alcohol test. Are there 100% methods to check whether a man loves or is friends with a girl? Of course, there are guys who will hide their true intentions until the last moment. But it’s not for nothing that the saying “What’s on a sober person’s mind...” is so popular among the people. Good old alcohol liberates and helps bring hidden human feelings out of the shadows. Light alcoholic drinks and a secluded atmosphere will put everything in its place. In case of sympathy, a drunk man will begin to more actively show attention to the object of his passion. You will feel it in words, glances, attempts at light touches. If his behavior towards you does not change in any way even after several glasses of wine, then, most likely, for him you are only a friend in a female form.

Why doesn't any of this matter?

If human life were determined only by sex hormones, we would:

1. Started a family at a very early age;
2. Until the age of 35 they would only reproduce;
3. Then they quickly tried to make room for new generations of the same biological creatures.

The progress of humanity, science, art, culture - all this indicates that people are a little more complex than a sexual and social scheme based purely on reproduction. The presence of other interests among human beings determines that men and women can be friends.

If a friend suddenly appeared

Yes, friendship can end in sex, or a wedding, or anything at all. That's the beauty of modern life. There are fewer limits, we have more and more varied entertainment. The main thing is that the wishes of friends coincide. And it happens that one friend has fallen in love a long time ago, but the second one still doesn’t.

There is no need to think, worry, or build some strange schemes in your head. You just need to talk, because you are friends. Otherwise, what is the point of all friendship if people cannot find a common language?

Guy + girl = friends

Adolescence slowly (or not so slowly) turns into youth. And friendship is tested again - a period begins when almost every representative of the opposite sex is subconsciously perceived and assessed as a possible “couple”. But over time, it’s easier to evaluate your feelings more and more objectively, and it’s easier to separate friendships from falling in love and attraction. And the phrase “we’re just friends” comes much easier. It must be said that sex is often present in friendships at this time. No matter how it may look from the “generally accepted point of view,” sex often brings such friends even closer together, making the relationship even more trusting and warm. But only if both of them clearly understand that the relationship between them is of a friendly nature. If not, the friendship ends because one of the friends is now waiting for something more. Nothing can damage a friendship more than unmet expectations, jealousy, and dependency.

This is a scary word - friend zone9

This is the name for a relationship in which one partner artificially reduces the other’s attempts to become closer to nothing. What is a friend zone for girls - this is a concept with a connotation of “you are not worthy or do not deserve my love.” There are a lot of threads on this topic on the Internet, but it’s not just girls who “friend zone” their partners.

For example, a guy is handsome, young, wealthy, has his own business and some strange hobby like a love for Swedish arthouse films. His girlfriend is young, wealthy, beautiful, but does not live up to the “luxury girlfriend” of a rich businessman. That is, she does not have pumped lips, size four breasts, and legs from her ears. Such an ordinary girl, her hair is not even keratinized.

The girl wants to get closer, and has repeatedly tried to “break out” of the friend zone. The guy continues to treat her as a friend, goes with her to the cinema at a Swedish arthouse, but to fashionable action films - with other girls. And to clubs too. And he goes on vacation. Over time, our heroine develops an inferiority complex. It seems to her that it’s all about appearance, or more precisely, about the unwillingness to meet fashionable beauty standards.

The girl finally gets tired of being “friends” and she simply stops responding to messages. She finds a guy, dates him, and gets married. But she will never forget her friend and trying to “get out of the friend zone.” She would have called first, but she thinks everything is lost.

Friendship between spouses

Every second family in Russia gets divorced. In marriage and after it, the relationship between spouses develops differently: some become enemies, some become business partners, and some become best friends. Yes, you can maintain a good relationship after a divorce, but under several conditions:

• the separation was a mutual decision;
• the marriage did not end in betrayal or betrayal (people simply decided that there was no further path for them);
• there was no emotional, sexual, or physical violence in the marriage;
• the former spouses still have a common business or a child.

If the divorce was a forced measure or one of the spouses was abandoned, then there can be no talk of friendship. It will not be possible to build a good relationship even if the marriage or divorce process was so difficult that just the name of the former partner causes a surge of negative emotions (disappointment, resentment, anger, fear).

Separately, it is worth considering the divorce of spouses who have children. In this case, they should try to maintain, if not friendly, then at least business relations. Of course, provided that one of the parents does not threaten the life and safety of the child. If someone is a good parent but a bad spouse, then this is a problem between two adults. The child should not suffer because of their differences. He has the right to communicate with both parents. But provided that parents can communicate normally with each other.

Interesting fact: 43% of women and 60% of men dream of having a sexual relationship with their ex-partner. This is not surprising, because during marriage people study each other inside and out, they know the characteristics and preferences of their partner. This is what sometimes becomes a stumbling point in friendship. A good relationship combined with nostalgia - and now you find yourself in the same bed again. But this is no longer friendship.

Related article:
Should you get married: the pros and cons of marriage. Why is marriage necessary and why do people get married? Psychologists explain how not to get married

How not to be “friend zoned”10

There are no universal recipes here like “call so many times, say that friendship is better than relationships this many times.” But you will have to talk to a friend, if, of course, this is a really strong friendship between adults, you will have to. This way you will be able to remain honest in your relationship.

But it may not get better, at least not immediately. In general, in friendship it is important to maintain sincerity, no matter what happens.

When friendship is impossible

Regardless of what kind of relationship people were in, friendship after separation is impossible if:

• irritation and resentment remain, at every meeting you want to prove something, make your partner bite his elbows;
• passion is alive, people are drawn to each other;
• one of the participants is attached to the other, in love with him;
• jealousy arises;
• Nostalgia torments, memories cause severe pain.

Psychologists recommend ending all relationships if possible after breaking up. If this is acceptable, then it’s even worth changing your place of work and your social circle. Or step aside for the first time, until all emotions subside and perception and thinking are restructured.