Situations in life are completely different, and the psyche cannot always calmly cope with what is happening, then the help of those who are nearby is necessary. Confusion from the need to somehow stabilize the state of another person is quite understandable, especially when it is not clear how to calm a person down with words at a distance, because removing the cause of the experience may not only be overwhelming, but possibly also an unnecessary task.
Most of all, I want to calm down a crying person, since everyone’s own psyche is structured in such a way that the sight of other people’s tears is unbearable. However, we do not take into account those reactions where strong experiences and destructive mental processes can occur without tears or loud laments.
“Witness” your interlocutor’s feelings
We all know how difficult it is to find yourself in a situation where you need to console someone, but you can’t find the right words.
Fortunately, most often people do not expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, using the following phrases: “I know that it’s very difficult for you now,” “I’m sorry that it’s so difficult for you.” This way you will make it clear that you really see what it’s like for your loved one right now.
Show that it’s okay to cry and be sad
If you notice that a loved one continues to block emotions, then you can show him by example that it is normal to grieve. Talk about your emotions, show them. Here is the case described by Alexander Ryazantsev:
“In the early 2000s, a well-known consultant, working with loss at a seminar in St. Petersburg, burst into tears at the end of the session. The man was 70 or 80 years old, and, of course, this shocked our St. Petersburg therapeutic circle: a professional psychotherapist with extensive work experience - and he was crying. When he was asked: “How can this be?! You are a therapist working with someone who is experiencing grief. Why are you crying and he’s not?”, the consultant answered very simply: “Someone had to show that crying is not scary and not dangerous, that a person will not die if he cries.” In doing so, he helped the client take the first step toward publicly grieving.”
Help a loved one understand the problem
Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, first he just needs to talk it out. This especially applies to women.
So wait to offer solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting understand their feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by telling others about them. By answering your questions, the interlocutor can find some solutions himself, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and simply feel relieved.
Here are some phrases and questions that can be used in this case:
- Tell me what happened.
- Tell me what's bothering you.
- What led to this?
- Help me understand how you feel.
- What scares you the most?
At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word “why”; they are too similar to judgment and will only anger the interlocutor.
“Time will pass, it will get easier”
Indeed, this is a fact. We won’t even remember the numerous everyday troubles that happened a year or three ago. All problems will become a thing of the past. Sooner or later, someone comes to replace a betrayed comrade or an unhappy love. Money difficulties are also resolved over time. It is possible to find a better job, pay off a loan, cure an illness or alleviate its symptoms. Even sadness from the death of a loved one is easier to bear over time. It is important to survive the period of shock and move on.
Do not minimize the suffering of your interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh
When we encounter the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what seems trivial to us can often upset others. So don't minimize another person's suffering.
What if someone is really worried about a trifle? Ask if there is any information that conflicts with his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. It is very important here to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, otherwise it may seem too aggressive.
Gesture
There is a simple combination of gestures to help sympathizers. An open body position (without crossing arms), a slightly lowered head (preferably at the same level as the head of the person to be listened to), supportive nods, a benevolent grunt in the rhythm of the conversation and open palms are intuitively perceived as a sign of attentiveness and interest. If we are talking about a loved one with whom it is customary to maintain physical contact, relaxing touches and stroking will not hurt. If the person talking is hysterical, and this often happens, then the only way to calm him down is to squeeze him tightly in your arms. This means: I am always there, I understand you, I will protect you. It is preferable not to do the following experiments with almost strangers regarding physical contact:
- firstly, you may find yourself in an uncomfortable situation;
- secondly, such actions can repel a person who is not close enough.
In addition, you need to act very carefully if in front of you is someone who has suffered from physical violence.
You can also use soothing music for the soul without words (Enigma, classics, melodic compositions, or even just sounds of nature on audio). The main thing is to choose the right playlist.
Offer physical support if appropriate
Sometimes people don’t want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.
Your actions should correspond to your usual behavior with a particular person. If you are not too close, putting your hand on your shoulder or giving him a light hug will suffice. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.
Remember that you should not be too zealous when consoling your significant other: your partner may take this for flirting and be offended.
How to support a woman
Women are very emotional by nature. Any of their grief, as a rule, is accompanied by rivers of tears. And this is good - negative emotions that find a way out do not destroy the body.
Get ready to be a vest for your wife, girlfriend or girlfriend for some time. Let her talk it out and have a good cry. Don't interrupt or be distracted, make it clear that you care about her grief.
Representatives of the fair sex need tactile contact more than men. Friendly hugs sometimes work better than any words. You can take the girl by the hand, pat her on the head, offer your shoulder. Just watch the response. If she pulls away, maintain a comfortable distance.
One medicine always works for all girls - shopping. But only if the scale of the problem is not too large. If, for example, someone close to her died, she found out that she has cancer and is in the hospital before surgery, then there is no time for shopping.
If you want to better understand male and female psychology and relationships between the sexes, read our selection of books on relationship psychology.
Suggest ways to solve the problem
If a person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be sufficient. By sharing your experiences, your interlocutor will feel relieved.
Ask if there is anything else you can do. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often this happens, suggest going to bed. As you know, the morning is wiser than the evening.
If your advice is needed, ask first if the interlocutor himself has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who is themselves in a controversial situation. If the person you are comforting is unclear about what can be done in their situation, help develop specific steps. If he doesn’t know what to do at all, offer your options.
If a person is sad not because of a specific event, but because they are depressed, immediately move on to discussing specific actions that can help. Or suggest doing something, like going for a walk together. Unnecessary thinking will not only not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.
Forbidden words of comfort
When consoling a person, it is important to say the right words. Otherwise you can only do harm and make things worse. If you want to say something like the phrases described below, then it is better to remain silent. It is wrong to teach at this moment. Remember this so that some phrase does not inadvertently break out. Here are the prohibiting words of consolation:
- Why are you so different, like a woman? Just think, it's a problem! This has happened to me a million times, and nothing happened - alive and well!
- What did you want? You yourself are to blame for what happened!
- It was predictable! Look at you! Are you really that naive that you thought you could do this?
- That's what I thought. For a person like you, everything works out “in one place.”
- You're just a nobody! How could you fail even such a basic task?
- It's right that this happened to you! You're really no good for anything!
- Just forget. You really have no chance!
- Don't even try next time. You are a loser and that says it all!
- And I could do it! You see, I'm cooler than you!
This is offensive to hear even for a person with a positive attitude, but for someone who is depressed it will be doubly unpleasant.
Empathize, but don't connect to grief
When supporting a loved one in their grief, be attentive to yourself. Maintain boundaries and awareness: “Your grief is here, and I am here. I'm next to you, but we're not together. This is your grief, not mine, I respect it, but I keep some distance .
It is important to maintain emotional tolerance: to empathize with your loved one, but not to “disappear” with him, to remain safe and clearly distinguish between your own and someone else’s. This is not an easy task. If you feel that you cannot cope with it, you need to consult a psychologist.
Taking into account the female character
The desire to please a girl when she is sad is completely natural. However, when choosing a way to improve your mood, you need to take into account the characteristics of a woman’s character, her preferences and temperament.
If your beloved prefers romantic get-togethers and private time, try the following methods:
- a trip to nature, a picnic, cooking barbecue on an open fire;
- weekend in a country house;
- attending a concert of your favorite performer or orchestra;
- going to the cinema and watching a romantic comedy;
- water treatments in a water park or city pool.
If your beloved loves active recreation and prefers noisy gatherings to solitude, there are also countless ways to lift her spirits. For example, you might suggest:
- go out into nature with a large group, where fishing, catamaran riding, various competitions and other events await;
- organize a party to which she will invite her best friends, select music and menu, and come up with competitions;
- book a table at some night establishment where you can go with a large group;
- go to an entertainment center or park where swings and ice cream will take you back to childhood;
- engage in extreme recreation - skydiving, diving.
When thinking about how to cheer up a girl, it is important to understand that every representative of the fair sex needs male attention, warm attitude and support.
Therefore, it does not make much difference which of the above methods you use.
The main thing is to show that she is not alone, you will always come to her aid. In this case, the negative attitude will quickly be replaced by a positive outlook on the world around you.
4.Think outside the box
“It sounds strange, but I feel incredible support from ... my robot vacuum cleaner,” Alice Boyes unexpectedly admits. “On those days when I have a hard time, being able to delegate the cleaning to him is especially important.”
We can also get support by going to a fitness center, yoga class, running or hiking group—in short, by being among those who share our interests.
Another way to receive social support is through social networks. Asking your friends or followers what music to listen to to lift your mood can give you great recommendations. It's especially nice to know that people took the time to respond to our request and share what they like.
Expert recommendation: “Engage in self-observation - pay attention to little things that give a strong sense of social support, and try different options.”
Even when it’s difficult and it seems like there’s no one to lean on, you should remember: we are not alone. When emotions overwhelm you, it is important not to isolate yourself - from people, new opportunities and experiences.
