“I love music, travel, I have plans for work projects, creating my own group.
But when an object of addiction appears in my life, I lose interest in everything and think only about her: I replay our last conversation in my head, analyze what is happening between us.
Yesterday my girlfriend and I talked, but it seemed like there wasn’t enough communication for me, and I started having a panic attack.”
Peter S.
University of Southern California professor Steve Sussman conducted a study and came to the conclusion that from 3 to 6% of all adults are love and sex addicts. David Cook identified signs of such addiction in one in four American college students. This is probably due to the age characteristics of the respondents.
The difference between a simply strong feeling and a deviation that interests us is about the same as between the desire to drink a glass of New Zealand sauvignon on a warm summer evening and binge alcoholism. In order to distinguish one from the other, you need to answer two questions: does love have a negative impact on different areas of your life and can you do without it?
Signs of love addiction
American writer Melody Beatty, popularizer of science, author of books on self-help in codependent relationships, names a number of key differences between love and addiction:
- Love: There is space for spiritual growth, a desire for growth for another.
- Dependency: Intensity of need and insatiability are perceived as evidence of love.
- Love: Separate interests. Each partner can have their own friends.
- Addiction: Total involvement. Old friends are abandoned, as are former interests.
- Love: The desire for personal growth, confidence in one's own worth.
- Dependency: All thoughts are occupied with the behavior of another, an urgent need for his approval.
- Love: Trust, openness.
- Dependency: Jealousy, the desire to possess another as property; fear of competition, the partner guards his “treasure”.
- Love: Each partner is perceived as a separate, integral person.
- Dependency: Only one partner's needs are met. The second participant in the relationship abandons himself.
- Love: Partners feel good both together and alone.
- Addiction: Intolerance of loneliness, separation. During a conflict, one of the partners clings even more tightly to the other. In case of separation or breakup - loss of appetite, drowsiness, anxiety, painful experiences.
The founder of the Love Addicts Anonymous program, Susan Peabody, identifies several types of people who experience similar difficulties:
1) obsessive addicts pursue partners who do not reciprocate their feelings, as well as cold people who avoid intimacy (or are incapable of it);
2) codependents try to show excessive care for their loved one, to be indispensable for their chosen one, to protect him from all possible troubles. They often get stuck in the Karpman triangle (aggressor - savior - victim), appearing in one role or another. The object of such passion is often a person with chemical dependence;
3) relationship addicts cannot leave partners they have long ceased to love.
Their union has outlived its usefulness, mutual humiliation or abuse is becoming common practice, but the love addict is not able to take the initiative and break up because he is pathologically afraid of loneliness;
4) narcissistic addicts behave aloof and indifferent, avoid intimacy until the moment when there is a real threat of ending the relationship. Then they begin to use any means to keep their partner;
5) ambivalent addicts have no problem saying: “We’re breaking up!” - but they cannot move forward because they subconsciously avoid intimacy. These people often fall in love with someone who is obviously unavailable and not interested in any relationship. They simultaneously want intimacy - and are afraid of it, not allowing communication to develop into something more.
Is love addiction a real diagnosis?
Researchers explain the nature of love addiction in different ways. It is often compared with other non-chemical addictions - for example, with gambling addiction, work and sex addiction, etc. There is no separate diagnosis in the ICD, but some psychotherapists refer to F63.8 “Other disorders of habits and drives.”
Craig Nakken writes about a special, “addictive” personality type, which is characterized by addictions as such, and not just one of them.
Psychiatrist and researcher Isaac Marx identified the following criteria for addiction:
- At first it may seem that a person is simply passionate about something. A gambler looks like a gambling lover, a sexaholic looks like a temperamental person, a love addict looks like a romantic;
- addictions differ in external manifestations (a gambling addict wastes money, a sexaholic finds another partner for one night, etc.);
- a craving for “harmful” activities appears (in the case of love addiction - for dreams, fantasies, contacts with the object of addiction, persecution);
- tension increases while a person endures and abstains, and subsides for a short time if he “lost it” and still does what he wanted;
- after what happened, the addict is ashamed and sad;
- after some time, withdrawal symptoms set in - the person wants to repeat the actions taken.
Apparently, the biological mechanisms of chemical and non-chemical addictions are similar: in both cases, addictions are associated with the processing of signals entering the reward system. A lack of dopamine pushes you to seek substances or perform actions (gambling, drugs), which release this hormone and create a feeling of pleasure.
Love addicts often have other psychological problems and illnesses. Some respondents were diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression, low self-esteem and lack of self-understanding.
Might be interesting
Are we facing an epidemic of anxiety disorders?
The terms “love addiction” and “codependency” are often confused and sometimes used interchangeably. In other cases, only the spouses and children of those who abuse alcohol, drugs, etc. are called codependent. Many love addicts actually grew up in dysfunctional families, but there are also those who find it difficult to reproach their parents, educators and partners for something similar. In specialized literature, codependency is also sometimes understood as “the dependence of two people on each other.”
In another approach, what we call “love addiction” is considered an attachment disorder, which means that Marx’s criteria and corresponding treatment methods are not applicable here. In his videos, Alan Robarge, a psychotherapist who works with deviations of this kind, says that in the case of “dependent” behavior, the root of the problem should not be sought in addictive patterns, but in the fact that in childhood the person’s process of forming a secure attachment was disrupted.
As adults, such people experience bursts of panic when the object of their feelings does not demonstrate involvement: ignores messages, does not return calls or does not open up to their partner during communication, remaining emotionally unavailable.
What is the cause of dependent relationships?
If you recognize yourself, your partner or the history of your acquaintances/relatives, you will probably be interested: what is the reason for this picture, what is wrong, why did this happen?
The causes of emotional dependence are usually:
- parental dislike in childhood;
- the presence of psychotrauma suffered in childhood;
- excessive parental care;
- noticeably low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence;
- the desire to receive approval and praise from parents and others;
- disrespectful attitude of parents;
- existence in poor material conditions;
- emotional infantility;
- fear of one's own uselessness;
- fear of loneliness;
- inability to take responsibility for one's behavior;
- frequent criticism;
- the desire to be subordinate to someone;
- improper upbringing;
- an absurd idea of love, the desire to be one with the object of adoration, to be together from morning to evening;
- the presence of psychological complexes.
Love Addicts Anonymous
The Love Addicts Anonymous program (ALZ or LAA - short for Love Addicts Anonymous) brings together people who want to get rid of obsessive thoughts about love. The community consists of groups and chats for self- and mutual help.
ALZ meetings resemble meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step communities. They take place regularly, several times a week, in different cities offline and online. The only condition for joining LAA is the desire to recover and get rid of love addiction. The organization has no entrance or membership fees; it exists on voluntary donations.
To understand whether you have an addiction according to the criteria of ALD, it is proposed to take a test by answering “yes” or “no” to 40 statements.
Examples from the test
- You become very dependent when it comes to relationships.
- You fall in love very easily and quickly.
- When you fall in love, you can't stop dreaming—even while doing things that are important to you. You can't help yourself.
- Sometimes when you're lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your expectations and settle for less than you want or deserve.
- When you are in a relationship, you tend to “smother” your partner.
If you answered yes in 20 cases or more, you have a love addiction.
“At first I felt terrible resistance as soon as I saw the list of criteria. And I told myself that this is not about me. But after a year and a half, I again “fell into love addiction” - and made up my mind.”
Nastya M.
Many addicts try to solve their problems on their own before coming to the program. Sometimes they manage to live a normal life for a while:
“I tried (as best I could) to build relationships, but it didn’t work out with anyone. After a few meetings, everything came to naught. Either my failed partner didn’t like me, or he didn’t like me.
It seemed to me that I simply needed sex (what if I was depressed due to its absence?) - and I dated, pursuing this goal (unconsciously, of course), found the appropriate men, then worried and did not understand why everything was so sad and where The One.
I thought that with the creation of a family, depression would end, life would get better and be like everyone else’s. Like all normal people."
Elena M.
12 steps
All 12-step programs follow the same principles, but differ slightly in content. At each stage, participants should complete some task: admit their problem and powerlessness over it in the first step, turn to a higher power, ask for help, make amends to those who suffered from their addiction, and focus on spirituality.
The steps can be completed independently or in a mini-group. For help, you should contact more experienced program participants - “sponsors”. If difficult emotions come over you or you are tempted to lash out, you can call one of your new ALZ acquaintances to get support.
Steps
- We admitted our powerlessness over love, romance, fantasy and relationships; admitted that our lives had become unmanageable.
- We have come to believe that only a force greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.
- We decided to entrust our will and our lives to God as we understood Him.
- They deeply and fearlessly assessed themselves and their lives from a moral point of view.
- Admitted to God, ourselves, and any other person the true nature of our errors.
- We have fully prepared ourselves for God to remove all our shortcomings.
- We humbly asked Him to correct our shortcomings.
- We made a list of all those people whom we had harmed, and were filled with the desire to make amends to them.
- Personally compensated for the damage caused to these people wherever possible, except in cases where it could harm them or someone else.
- They continued to introspect and when they made mistakes, they immediately admitted it.
- We sought, through prayer and meditation, to deepen our contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us to do and for the power to do it.
- Having achieved the spiritual awakening that these steps led to, we have strived to convey the meaning of our ideas to others and to apply these principles in all our affairs.
Atheists often have problems turning to a higher power. We can understand it not in a religious sense, but simply as something beyond our control: like fate, external circumstances, unconditional love in the hearts of people, etc., and the corresponding steps are taken to separate what we are responsible for and what we have the strength for, from what happens against our will.
Community
Mutual support and closeness, understanding and acceptance in the community are what all our respondents paid special attention to. Independent psychologists also note that working in a group is one of the most important bonuses of ALZ and other similar techniques.
“There are a lot of sick people in our program: everyone, as a rule, has a tragic or traumatic childhood, difficult destinies. It’s not surprising that this leads to such problems in adulthood.”
Elena M.
“I really like our rules.
It is forbidden to give advice or make value judgments in the community so as not to violate boundaries. You can share experiences, ask, receive and offer support.
I used to invade other people's personal space myself, but I learned not to do that. This increases the overall psychological literacy of the participants.”
Tanya R.
“They think and feel differently than normal people. They hear, do not hurt, live in a different spiritual dimension. They are awakening. That's what makes me happy and that's why I love them. Many of my friends, including my best one, are participants in the program. We are on the same wave".
Elena M.
“Before, it seemed to me that I was the only one in the whole world with such problems. When I listened to similar stories, I felt acceptance and liberation. For me, it was a way out of the isolation in which I found myself during my relationship with the object of my addiction.”
Tanya R.
Love quarantine
ALZ has tools to help people heal, such as non-contact and limited contact.
The community website provides the following explanation:
“No contact rules are a gift you give yourself to help you control your compulsive behavior, overcome your dependence on the person, and begin the healing process. No contact also means no new pain. <…>
No personal conversations: the relationship is over, or you want it to end. This means that you do not engage in conversations with the OZ [object of addiction. — Approx. ed.]. How often do we feel obliged to “have the last word” or convince someone in a conversation that he should not leave! But a breakup is a breakup because at least one participant doesn't want to be in the relationship. This decision should be respected. <…>
No sex: Sometimes we use sex as a manipulation to regain HP, or to feel closeness through physical contact. But when the relationship is over, the additional bonuses disappear.
Sex after a breakup is just sex. And often humiliating.
NK [non-contact. — Approx. ed.] means no sex with your OZ, or with any casual acquaintance or friend of OZ (for the purpose of inciting jealousy or simply to speed up the breakup process). Sex without love robs you of your self-respect and dignity. You deserve better." [Spelling and punctuation of the original have been preserved. — Approx. ed.]
And no communication! Telephone calls, SMS, correspondence by email and instant messengers are prohibited. You cannot follow the addict on social networks and try to catch him at events. It is also not allowed to communicate with OZ’s friends and relatives or even fantasize about him.
Limited contact
It is not always possible to completely block communication channels. Sometimes you share children, work, and even living space with your ex-partner. Some people struggle with addiction while still in a relationship with the addict.
With limited contact, you can enter into dialogue only when necessary:
“...it is important to deprive communication of the emotional component. Don't allow anger, sadness, regret, anxiety, or any other emotion to come through when interacting with the OZ. Emotions will make you vulnerable to him/her and create the preconditions for additional, unnecessary worries, confusion and communication that will set you back in terms of recovery.”
It is better to write a message than to call, or to resolve the issue over the phone rather than meeting in person.
Lower limits
If an alcoholic begins to get carried away after the first drink, then in the mind of a love addict there is also a “toggle switch” that transfers him to a “state of intoxication”, when a person is immersed in illusions, fantasies, and savoring his own experiences. It is important to track this moment in order to understand what actions are pushing you into the abyss. For some, such a trigger is visiting an ex’s page on social networks, checking when the user was last online, or an invitation to communicate. At these moments, it may be tempting to interrupt non-contact and return to the way of life and thoughts that you so wanted to get rid of.
You can understand what becomes the “first drink” by the consequences. For Maria, who had recently come to the program, crossing the lower limit was visiting the place where her addict often spent time and looking at photos of them together. A few months after the breakup, anxious and sad thoughts practically stopped visiting her, but they would creep into her head again as soon as she returned there or opened a folder with memorable photographs.
Diary of feelings
This tool allows you to better understand your own feelings and also understand how to change behavior to take better care of yourself in the future. In a diary you can describe everything that happens in life, emotions and needs caused by various events, as well as actions taken under their influence and the result.
Example
Situation: we stayed late at my house. I really want to sleep, but I already promised the object of my addiction that I would take him home. He missed the last bus. As always, he has no money. If I suggest a taxi option, he may be offended. I'm afraid to seem weak, lazy, and unable to plan my time.
Feelings: shame, fear, self-loathing, feeling trapped.
Needs: for care, for independence, for ease, for justice.
Actions: I take him, but on the way I get myself a coffee.
Result: I didn’t get enough sleep. I decide next time to offer to finish early so he can catch the bus.
HALT
Our behavior largely depends on the state we are in when we perform certain actions. If you monitor it and take care of yourself, you can reduce the risk of breakdowns and avoid behaviors that we are trying to wean ourselves from.
HALT
(English lit. “Stop!”). This is an abbreviation for the expression Am I... ("I am now...")
- ...hungry ( hungry
)?- ...angry ( angry
)?- ...lonely ( lonely
)?- …tired ( tired
)?”
Gratitude journal
Many also write down all the positive events of the day, everything for which they can say thank you to fate. A gratitude journal helps you realize that life is not such a bad thing, there are many joyful moments in it, but sometimes we don’t notice it, concentrating on the pain.
“My perception of life has become more adequate. I started to notice so many things to be grateful for.”
Tanya R.
Love addiction and psychotherapy
Some ALZ members saw psychologists before joining the program, and some combine the 12-step methodology and work with a specialist.
The attitude of the psychological community towards ALZ and other similar initiatives is ambiguous. Many recognize the effectiveness of this method, but express doubts that spirituality is an appropriate basis for building healthy relationships with the world.
Some believe that instead of one dependence (on a partner), a person acquires another - from a community, an abstract higher power, or a religious God.
The personality structure does not change, and the problem underlying the disorder remains unresolved. However, many studies of other 12-step programs (mostly Alcoholics Anonymous) show the effectiveness of this model.
We talked to psychologists working in different areas with love addiction.
NLP, CBT, Gestalt
Clinical psychologist Natalya Oshemkova (NLP, CBT):
“To determine a treatment method, we must first find out what we are dealing with - a situational disorder (a person is worried about a painful breakup) or a stable pattern. In the second case, love addiction is just a symptom of deeper personal problems: low self-esteem, anxiety, misunderstanding of oneself. A person decides that he cannot exist without a partner and that no one will love him.
At the same time, many have a history of several relationships.
You can work with the client’s beliefs, synchronizing the picture of the world in your head (“nobody needs me”) and objective reality (the person has been in a relationship several times, he has friends).
This is done using cognitive behavioral therapy techniques.
Sometimes a person comes in a “hot” state: he experiences severe pain due to a recent breakup, he is haunted by obsessive thoughts about his ex-partner. Then you can use NLP techniques, such as visualization. The client imagines the physical connection with the ex as a rope or chain and breaks it, and then throws the free end of his piece onto an inspiring image of himself in the future (the same can be done for the object of dependence).
Sometimes people come after a long relationship. You just need to “burn out” the breakup. Hypnosis techniques or Gestalt therapy techniques are suitable for this.”
The best is yet to come!
Even if things are bad for you now and you are stuck in an addictive relationship, don’t despair. You can successfully work with any type of dependence on a man.
There is no point in dwelling on the past if you can find another man and build a new, happy relationship with him.
out how to program yourself a new happy relationship with your ideal husband
here >>>
I hope the tips from this article will help you cope with dependent relationships.
Did you like these practices? Is it possible to regain yourself with their help? Write in the comments.
Healing
“Recovery... is a state where you can love yourself as much as you love others. You are guided by a Power greater than yourself that knows what is best for you. You grow and change. You want love, not need it. Romantic love enriches your life without damaging your self-esteem. Most of the time, you are calm and think clearly when it comes to relationships. You behave adequately and emotionally sober. You don't "love" too much, don't "do" too much for others, or pursue unavailable people. You don't put up with ambivalent people, such as narcissists or seducers, who keep you hooked.
You have studied the topic of healthy relationships and therefore see your goals. To prevent relapse, you surround yourself with people who are recovering. At the same time, you are not inclined to take recovery for granted or stop there, because love addiction is “strong, insidious, confusing” and only waits for the moment when we let our guard down.
And most importantly, you put your well-being above romantic attachments, realizing that romantic love is not enough to be a source of support for you. This kind of love is like a flower without roots. You need love and compatibility with someone who can love you back." [Spelling and punctuation of the original have been preserved. - Ed.]
What else can you read?
— Materials about love addiction on the ALZ website
— Group of love addicts on VKontakte
— Literature on the topic
- M. Beatty. To save or to be saved? How to get rid of the desire to constantly take care of others and start thinking about yourself
- R. Norwood. Women who love too much
- A. Yu. Egorov. Love addictions
— Books not translated into Russian
- Nakken. Addictive Personality
- Peabody. Addiction to Love
— Other books in English
— Books about attachment disorders
- Skeen. Love Me, Don't Leave Me
- Boyce. Insecure in Love
When should you see a psychologist?
If you doubt your abilities or none of the available methods help you change your position as a dependent person, you should contact a professional.
You need to understand that in addictive behavior you are not living your life, that emotional addiction is not only a state of mind, but also a psychological disorder caused by dislike of oneself.
Addiction destroys people's lives and makes both the addict and his partner suffer. Moreover, if you do not solve the problem with drastic changes, then addictive behavior will accompany you throughout your life, and attempts to build healthy relationships will not be successful. It is necessary to regain self-respect and self-love; this is the only way to health and a new life.
To change the situation, you will have to work long and painstakingly on yourself. An experienced psychologist will help you identify the true causes of addictive behavior and correctly correct them. Remember, if you do nothing, the situation will only get worse.
The famous Roman philosopher Marcus Tulius Cicero said wonderful words with which we would like to end today’s conversation: “Happiest of all is the one who depends only on himself and sees everyone in himself alone.” Let's believe in ourselves, friends!
