My husband left for someone else: reasons for the breakup, decent behavior, reviews from women and advice from psychologists

October 12, 2018
Psychology of relationships
Ulyana Orekhova

The departure of a spouse to his mistress is regarded by many women as a betrayal, but knowledge of male psychology allows us to interpret the situation from several points of view. Choosing the right tactics of behavior and analyzing the mistakes made during marriage will help a woman understand the circumstances of the breakup and prevent a situation in which normal communication with her ex-lover becomes impossible.

Why did this happen

Psychologists consider the main reason that the husband left for another woman to be the wife’s inability to manage herself after the end of the stage of falling in love. After one or two years of living together, most women dissolve their personality and their own interests in the needs of their spouse, replacing the natural desire to please the chosen one with a state of excessive care. This line of behavior leads to the fact that the husband ceases to perceive his partner as a source of emotional nourishment and involuntarily begins to look for this resource on the side.

Against the background of this factor or in addition to it, such provocateurs of rupture arise in married life as:

decreased sexual activity of the spouse - direct or indirect avoidance of intimate relationships;
establishing total control over the husband and the desire to limit his circle of contacts;
inattention to the husband’s affairs, lack of interest in events occurring in his life outside the home;
the wife’s constant nagging, eternal dissatisfaction with his actions and imputation of guilt to the spouse for various reasons;
a woman’s humiliation of her own merits, melancholy;
regularly making personal insults towards a partner and people close to him;
a woman’s loss of beauty due to her lack of attention to herself;
polygamy of the spouse (which is characterized by uncontrolled flirting on his part towards many female representatives and periodic short novels).

Even if the husband left for another woman without any explanation, this never means the action was spontaneous. Negativity has been accumulating in the family for a long time, forcing a man from time to time to seek understanding in the arms of his mistress, and the fact that one day he makes an irrevocable decision is the result of the persistent destructive work of both partners.

Is there a chance to get away from a breakup?

My husband left for someone else. How to return an unlucky traitor?

A man is much better than a woman at hiding his dissatisfaction and avoiding direct dialogue that could resolve the problem in its very inception. In most cases, the spouse is confident that the marriage is stable until the moment the man stops hiding the fact that he has a double life or it is discovered by chance. In half of all such situations, the man prefers to retreat to where he has found solace lately - to his mistress.

In what situations, having learned about the betrayal and being faced with the fact that the husband has gone to live with another, can the ex-wife hope to renew the relationship? This behavior of her lover in the last hours of his stay at home will tell a woman about the possibility of maintaining the union, despite an obvious threat:

before leaving, the man explains his action at length and emotionally;
the man’s speech contains profanity, he clearly loses control of himself;
the husband collects his things for a long time, rushes around the house, and after he leaves it turns out that he left many items of clothing he needed;
the spouse's escape from the house is accompanied by a loud slamming of the door.

Conversely, external calm, literary phrases justifying his actions, leisurely movements and careful preparations will indicate that the partner has left for another, having carefully weighed his decision and fully accepted it as the only correct one. A woman has very little chance of reviving her marriage after such a farewell.

How to save a marriage during a crisis

Psychologists attribute particular danger to the period of a man’s 40-45th birthday. At this age, representatives of the stronger sex begin to take stock of life, and the need for self-affirmation comes first among their psychological needs. This opportunity is most easily achieved through a strong moral shock, supported by physiological sexual stimulation. Some men who have not found support in the family seek solace in alcohol, but the majority prefer to increase their own self-esteem through love relationships on the side.

A wife who is sensitive to changes in her husband’s behavior and mood will correctly guess the onset of a turning point and will be able to react to the changes before she is faced with the fact that her beloved has left for someone else. However, if an accident has already occurred, a woman should not panic. Below are just a few episodes that make it very likely that your old relationship will be restored:

registered marriage 10 years or more;
the family has children of preschool or primary school age;
spouses are united by jointly acquired property;
the sexual life of the husband and wife was not interrupted for a long time and was not a means of encouragement or blackmail on the part of one of the spouses;
the marriage for many years was based on common goals;
the family traveled a lot, often received guests and was a socially significant link in public life.

The longer the marriage lasted, the stronger the bonds that bind the couple. Everyday communication, family life and common problems over the course of many years form partnerships between spouses, which gradually push aside acute sexual interest in the scale of importance. If the husband and wife continue to experience intimate attraction to each other and try to diversify routine sex, the likelihood of betrayal on the part of the man becomes very low.

How to become a woman from whom husbands do not leave

All women's personal lives are different. One meets her soul mate and lives happily with him all her life, the other is in constant search, the third does everything to keep the man, but he still leaves. To the one who didn’t even raise an eyebrow to attract him, who only cares about herself. Even if she is not too beautiful and not a super housewife, it doesn’t matter. She does not consider it necessary to hold on to a man with both hands and will easily let him go if he tries to change her.

There are women to whom men are drawn like a magnet. They think about them, dream about them, rush to them. At the same time, the woman does not make any effort, she simply lives in harmony with herself and her principles.

Marriage is not the goal of life.

Psychologists have long noted that the personal life is excellent for those women who do not set the main goal of their life to find a man and marry him. You cannot connect all your dreams and aspirations only with this. The man you love is just a small part of your life. Besides marriage, there are a great many ways to realize yourself and find happiness.

No dependency.

If you admit the thought that you can leave a man at any time, then you are independent. A free woman is always interesting, attractive and does not give you the opportunity to relax. If everything is the other way around, and all your thoughts are only about him, then you will soon become a burden for him, from which it will be a relief to get rid of.

The desire for comfort.

A woman is truly the keeper of the family hearth. It is she who creates a cozy and calm environment, warms and gives comfort. Taking care of your husband does not mean that you need to do everything for him. Women's care means delicious food, clean linen and a warm smile. This is extremely important for a man.

Financial burden.

It’s great if spouses are financially independent from each other. If a man gives his salary to his wife, then he should always have a certain amount left for personal expenses. It’s a humiliating situation when a man asks for the money he’s earned. You shouldn’t allow this if you don’t want your beloved husband to leave for someone else.

Versatility.

By focusing on one thing: housekeeping, sex or motherhood, you risk quickly boring your husband, because monotony is tiring. It's good if you become, first of all, friends. You can share your joy or problem, talk about any topic, laugh, get advice, and get support in difficult times. Such a woman is every man's dream.

Down with hysterics.

Even the most positive people are sometimes irritated and in a bad mood. But no self-respecting man will allow you to constantly take it out on him and will not listen to your complaints day after day. If you want to lose a man, continue to nag him, suspect him, create scenes of jealousy, and manipulate sex. Very soon you will turn from a dream girl into a hysterical woman from whom you want to leave quickly.

Firestarter.

You won’t see a dream woman at home in a dirty robe and with disheveled hair. Men love with their eyes, so they attach a lot of importance to appearance. This does not mean that you have to wear silk lingerie and heels at home; just looking neat and well-groomed is enough. You should also not give all your attention to your appearance. Read, engage in self-development, broaden your horizons and be interesting, first of all, to yourself.

Hobbies.

The more points of contact spouses have, common interests, hobbies, hobbies, the closer they are to each other. Lack of hobbies and wasting time makes a person boring.

Weakness and stupidity are two different things.

A woman's weakness attracts a man. Against her background, he feels significant, strong, courageous. But weakness and stupidity are completely different things.

Self-respect and love.

Psychologists agree that it is impossible to deeply and deeply love another person if you do not love yourself.

In conclusion, I would like to emphasize that there is nothing special about a dream girl. She's not the prettiest, the smartest, or the most successful. She simply takes care of herself, takes care of herself, respects and loves herself.

Thank you for reading this article to the end.

Hello, my name is Yaroslav Samoilov. I am an expert in the psychology of relationships and over the years of practice I have helped more than 10,000 girls meet worthy soul mates, build harmonious relationships and return love and understanding to families that were on the verge of divorce.
More than anything, I am inspired by the happy eyes of students who meet the people of their dreams and enjoy a truly vibrant life.
My goal is to show women a way to develop relationships that will help them create a synergy of success and happiness!

To divorce or not

When a husband leaves the family for another woman, the topic of divorce may not arise immediately, but if it is important for the wife to keep the stamp in her passport, she should not allow a situation in which the traitor is the first to raise the issue of divorce. For a man, the intention to officially divorce is tantamount to the decision to create a new unit of society, and only one representative of the stronger sex out of twenty is ready to take such a step immediately after breaking up an old relationship.

By the time the ex-spouse is mentally mature enough to talk about divorce, it is almost impossible to return him to the family. An abandoned woman needs to come to terms with the irrevocability of her former situation and release the fugitive with dignity. It would be a big mistake on her part to keep the “legitimate husband” by blackmail or threats; this will only further alienate the man and convince him of the correctness of his actions.

On the other hand, running away from home at a time of strong emotional stress in a man is often accompanied by remorse and a desire to reconcile with his abandoned wife, but a sense of pride prevents him from admitting a mistake. To break the precariousness of his position, he will seek a meeting with his ex-wife and provoke verbal confrontations. The word “divorce” may be mentioned repeatedly in such verbal exchanges, but will never express a direct intention.

A woman, even if she is greatly offended by the betrayal of a loved one, should not reject attempts to establish contact and be the first to talk about divorce. There are often cases when the fact that the husband left for another, but soon after that he returned, helps the couple unite more tightly and better understand their mistakes.

Is it necessary to revive the relationship?

According to statistics, more than 70% of men who leave their family are already disappointed in their choice within the first year after the breakup and strive to establish communication with their former halves. A woman who was once abandoned is faced with a choice based on the limit of trust that she is ready to allocate to the traitor, as well as on her personal attitude towards her husband’s act.

If, through reflection, when left alone, a woman realized that her behavior also contributed to the collapse of the relationship, and at the same time she is ready to work on her mistakes in the future, then it makes sense to forgive the unlucky spouse and start all over again. But it happens that the ex-wife is not ready to admit her partial guilt in the fact that her husband left for another, or cannot forgive the baseness of his act. Then she needs to make it clear to her husband that she is open to friendly communication, but without the goal of renewing family ties.

Will he regret this?

Like love, regret is a complex emotion.

Your husband may well regret his decision to leave you, and this may be true even if he does not want to return to you.

He may realize that your marriage to him was better if his new relationship isn't what he hoped for.

But he may think that now that this has happened, it is too late to save your marriage.

He may have regrets even if he is happy with his decision. He may have moved in with his mistress and is enjoying his new life with her, but still has concerns about the situation.

He may regret it when he copes with the separation. He may regret the pain he caused you. If you have children, he may regret leaving the family without a father.

If he once loved you—if he still loves you as a person and not as a spouse—he's bound to feel some regret.

But regret itself may not be enough to get him to come back to you.

My husband left for someone else. What to do?

The thought that her husband preferred another girl often drives a woman into a lot of complexes associated with her imaginary physical and psychological inadequacy. If the ex-wife had low self-esteem before the breakup of the family, then common mistakes in finding a way out of the situation may be alcohol oblivion or spontaneous sexual relationships. Women with a high assessment of their personality run the risk of becoming convinced of the depravity of all the men around them and thereby deliberately closing themselves off from future relationships.

In order not to lose sobriety during the period of awareness of betrayal, psychologists advise to temporarily let go of the situation and not try to correct it immediately, especially since such efforts immediately after the husband left for another are initially doomed to failure.

An approximate algorithm of actions that allows an abandoned wife to take the course of events into her own hands looks like this:

Expression of emotions at a moment of acute experience of loneliness - this can be the destruction of photographs, letters, or even the personal belongings of the traitor left in the house.
Completely cutting off your personality from the betrayed person - stopping communication, avoiding meetings with him and with mutual acquaintances who lack the tact to remain silent about a family tragedy.
Drawing up a daily list of activities at work and at home to eliminate idleness in any form.
Making a number of pleasant changes in your life - this could be a long-awaited renovation in your apartment, a trip to unfamiliar places, an exciting hobby.

Only after these four steps and obtaining the required result (moral peace of mind and self-confidence) can a woman allow herself to rethink what happened and decide how to live next.

I'm ready to communicate

I went through a period of emotional emptiness inside.
I am already so exhausted by all the experiences, emotions and events that I don’t even have the strength to think about the future. Everything burned out, like ash in a furnace. Not coals, where you throw wood, and the fire starts to flare up again, but precisely ash. Waste material. Everything has burned out and calmed down, but I still don’t have the strength to go for new firewood and new emotions. But now I can communicate with my head, not my heart. And I think this is the right time. We have exhausted each other so much that all that remains is to decide how to live on. Together or everyone builds their own future life.

Seven steps to a new life

So, the husband left for someone else, and how to survive this event is no longer a question. But with what goals and what opportunities to move on, it is not yet clear to the ex-wife, because everything in her life has changed dramatically. Experts recommend starting this stage with an awareness of your freedom, which opens up many new opportunities in place of one closed door. How to do it?

Make and write down on paper a list of all the shortcomings of your ex-husband. It is necessary to remember all the episodes of his actions and the traits of his character that brought negativity to family well-being and served as a reason for quarrels. You need to carry the list with you constantly and re-read it often, feeling relieved that all these problems have resolved themselves together with your husband.
Get a pet (preferably a dog) and devote your free time to caring for and training.
Take up any sport or dance without skipping classes and following the necessary diet to stay in shape.
Find yourself a new hobby that you can learn on your own by studying the necessary literature or watching video tutorials.
Make it a habit to visit a cosmetologist and hairdresser at least once a month to always feel well-groomed and ready for new victories.
Choose a style that matches the image you always wanted to imitate and update your wardrobe, parting with things from your old life without regret.
Become open to communication and new acquaintances, but at the same time try to eliminate your ex-husband from your circle of good friends. They can play the role of a “damaged phone” and cause trouble.

Even if at the moment a woman does not want to think about the possibility of a new relationship, it is important for her to work for the future from the first days of forced loneliness: get enough sleep at night, maintain good physical shape, and carry out regular cosmetic procedures. After some time, when the mental pain subsides, the reflection in the mirror will show a rested girl ready for change, and starting a new life will be much easier.

Time cures?

Sometimes it seems that everyone around has already been in similar situations and knows the right answer: they constantly give advice and recommend waiting, they say, time heals. Time heals, time heals... And what does it heal? And is it possible to cure this, is it treatable (I don’t mean all sorts of sedatives)?

In my opinion, these are some kind of excuses, and the treatment itself sits somewhere in our heads, in that wonderful gray mass that is generally called upon to think. While you are in love, hormones are rampant, and the brain seems to be in a state of blackout. Hormones blind us and often make us helpless and stupid kittens. But there is another side to this. These same hormones awaken our feelings and spread their wings, and butterflies in the stomach appear for a reason...

It is not for nothing that they say that love is a great happiness and a great misfortune for a person. It seems to me that in any case this is being in another reality, as in youth, when the world becomes very black or very white and no rationality works and adequacy is not used by the brain.

Remember in Pugacheva’s song “A Million Scarlet Roses”, and all of them for just one smile from their beloved. The whole world is ready to be thrown at her feet, and her heart too. They write poems for you, sing serenades, perform actions in your honor, and not because you so skillfully manipulated this man, but just like that. It is as if a person finds himself in a different reality, and the world is painted in different colors.

This can only be seen by going through something very, very, very painful. Divorce, infidelity, betrayal...

What not to do after separating from your husband

It is impossible to say unequivocally that a husband who has left for another will return if his ex-wife begins to behave “by the rules.” But, judging by the reviews of women who have experienced their spouse’s betrayal, the worthy behavior of a partner left alone at least evokes deep respect from the unfaithful man and his assessment of his own actions as unseemly.

The most common mistakes made by an abandoned spouse, which can further alienate a man and make him think that his leaving was the right decision:

constant calls and attempts to find out from him what pushed him to take such a step;
the beginning of active communication with colleagues and friends of the ex-husband with accusations against him and requests to facilitate a reunion;
speculation about the possibility of meeting a spouse with children;
retention of a man’s personal property - his documents or necessary things;
threats to a lover’s new passion or searching for meetings with her with the intention of having a heart-to-heart talk.

Wanting to attract the attention of their ex-husband and make him jealous, some women take a desperate step and rush into a new relationship before they are mentally ready for it. Such an ill-considered action always results in bad consequences: the ex-husband becomes convinced that he was dealing with a frivolous person, and the woman herself receives serious psychological trauma and is deprived of the opportunity to experience deep feelings for a long time.

How to forget your husband forever after he leaves for another

Divorce was inevitable: the husband left for someone else. Gathering all her will into a fist, the woman decides that she has had enough of tears, she needs to throw the whole past out of her head and learn to live in a new way. She understands that it will not be easy, because a lot is connected with him: children, mutual friends, home, things. Taking it all at once and forgetting everything won’t work. However, just like it is impossible to glue something that is already broken into pieces. There are several tips from psychologists on how to leave your husband in the past and boldly step into a bright future.

Try to fully occupy your free time: move more, meet with girlfriends and friends more often, take walks. Go in for sports, purchase a membership to a swimming pool or fitness club.
Dejection destroys. Don't let it take over you. Drive away all sad thoughts, don’t stress yourself out. Think positively, try to find something good even in unpleasant situations, rejoice in everything you have.
You have a great opportunity to pay attention to how many men are around you. Meet people, flirt, go on dates.
Forget about your ex-husband, do not call or communicate with him on the phone. Do not try to solve your problems with its help, even those related to children.
Get rid of all his things. Throw away the gifts. Change the decor of your home, replace the furniture, change the interior.
Make an appointment with a psychotherapist, he will help awaken hidden strengths in you and restore peace of mind.

Instead of shedding tears and spending days thinking that your husband has left for someone else, give your love to your children and loved ones. Don't feel sorry for yourself. The fact that you are alone now does not make life any worse. It is still full of pleasant and unexpected moments. For many women, such a rethinking of the situation became the starting point in a successful career, in creating their own business and gaining financial independence.

Think about whether it is worth fighting for a relationship in which neither your love, nor your tenderness, care, and affection were appreciated. Living and waiting for him to return is extremely stupid. There are a huge number of men around you who would dream of spending at least an evening with you. It is important to see them and switch your attention to a more worthy life partner. The faster you switch, the faster the mental wound will heal. Don't dwell on your resentment, don't blame yourself. What happened cannot be changed. Feel free to step forward, make new acquaintances, build new relationships, develop and do not remember the past, it is gone.

What to do if your husband wants to return

So, after my husband left for someone else, his life changed for the worse, and he decided that it was time to reconcile with his former life partner. The choice of behavioral tactics with which a man will try to re-enter the life of his abandoned lover will be based on his experience of communicating with her and those moments that cause a predictable reaction in her. If a woman succumbs to this provocation and goes along with her husband’s expectations, this will indicate her absolute control and make her controllable in the hands of a traitor.

Psychologists say that the only option to revive healthy relationships in the family after betrayal is to make the provocateur understand that his ex-other half is not a weak-willed victim, but a self-sufficient person who does not compromise.

A man himself must take the initiative to meet and discuss a topic that worries him, while a woman needs to pull herself together and not fly to the meeting at the first call, but call the time and place that is convenient for her. You can reschedule the date or postpone it to another date - this will be the first signal to the husband that he will have to compete for the attention of his beloved.

The final decision is up to the woman

During a conversation that should dot all the i’s, you cannot allow your ex-husband to get carried away by memories of “how good everything was” and show weakness towards his guilty appearance if he decides to play on feelings of pity. It is necessary to immediately cut off his attempts to bargain, requests to give him time to settle all issues with his mistress and generally get into his position. Any compromises on this basis will lead the situation to a dead end and will only add new problems to existing ones.

Faced with the impossibility of dictating their terms, most men stop “keeping face” in order to lull their partner’s vigilance and reveal their true intentions. Perhaps, having become convinced that the real goal of her ex-lover is not the revival of love, but a return to her own comfort, the woman herself will not want such a relationship and will forever break off communication with the selfish man.