Perfectionism: what is this personality trait and can it be dealt with?

Who is a perfectionist? Surely in your head there appears an image of a person who is always dissatisfied with himself and those around him, who strives to do everything at the highest level. Is it so? Partly so. Perfectionism is a personality trait in which a person places increased demands on himself and others, wants to bring everything to the ideal, and is convinced that such an ideal exists. We are talking about a predominantly negative personality quality, since such patients often suffer from depression and anxiety disorders. What can we hide - they are often unbearable in communication, especially if the quality is developed to a significant level.

There are many reasons for perfectionism. Most of it comes from childhood. Does a perfectionist need special psychotherapeutic treatment? It depends on the complexity of the clinical case and other factors. The issue must be resolved individually, since there is no single recipe.

If the patient wants to cope with the problem, the personality trait can be corrected quite quickly and efficiently. Everything takes from 10 to 15 sessions. Plus or minus, depending on the severity of the clinical case. The forecasts are favorable.

Reasons for the development of perfectionism

Perfectionism is an innate problem. To be more precise, it comes from childhood and is determined by many social factors. By nature, it is of psychosocial origin. There are equal parts biological and psychological components. What are the possible causes of the disorder?

Demanding parents

According to research, this is perhaps the most important reason. We are mainly talking about so-called toxic parents. Tyrannical, despotic, who strive to “crush” the child under themselves. This desire leads to increased demands. No matter what the child does, everything is wrong, everything should be different. I drew a picture and did it poorly. You wrote a sentence in your notebook clumsily - rewrite the whole page again. And similar examples.

Of course, there are exceptions when parents strive to improve their child by instilling the right skills. But this desire backfires if you push too hard. Thus, the exactingness of parents destroys the psyche of a fragile personality and gives free rein to all sorts of complexes and personality disorders. In particular, perfectionism.

Physical violence

Often, to reinforce their own words, parents resort to violence - physical or psychological. So they try to punish the child, to instill in him a model of behavior that is correct from their point of view. The child perceives it completely differently. I did something wrong and I was punished. Next time I have to do everything perfectly to avoid punishment. The opposite phenomenon is also possible - open protest, but this is rather an exception to the rule. Psychological violence has an equally destructive effect. Therefore, both models of behavior in education should be avoided. This is an effective prevention of perfectionism.

Wrong parenting tactics

Basically we are talking about excessive pressure. Do it this way, not another. This is the motto of a parent who puts pressure on a child. Basically, oddly enough, perfectionists grow up in families with an authoritarian parenting style. The mother has the most negative impact on the fragile psyche, since she is the first person the child sees. He then begins to imitate and internalize social norms. In the case where the disorder is instilled from an early age, it is somewhat more difficult to cope with it. Complex psychotherapy is required.

Low self-esteem

It also comes from early childhood. Surely you have heard parents tell their children: you did the wrong thing, but the conventional boy Sasha did the right thing. For a young person, such a comparison is initially unbearable: he is considered wrong, somehow different. He does not meet the expectations of his own parents. In order to conform, the patient begins to show himself “correctly” from the point of view of his mother or father. Strives for the ideal so that he too can be loved.

In childhood, this is perhaps the most powerful incentive. Over the years, low self-esteem does not go away, as does the tendency towards perfectionism. You can cope with this form of the pathological process only if you also remove self-doubt. This will take a lot of time. Months, possibly years of independent work and work under the supervision of a psychotherapist or clinical psychologist.

The patient's psychotype as a factor in the development of perfectionism

And this is already an innate feature. It is genetically determined. Although there are some considerations in this regard that refute the biological nature of the psychotype. Mostly, patients with a pedantic, stuck personality type suffer from perfectionism. If we talk about the classification of accentuations according to Lichko - epileptoids. To a lesser extent - sensitive. These accentuators are more susceptible to the pathological process (let’s call it that conventionally). It is impossible to cope with the characteristics of a psychotype. This is the basis of the patient's personality. But smoothing out some negative traits, including a tendency toward perfectionism, is a completely doable task. It needs to be resolved under the supervision of a psychotherapist. At worst, a competent psychologist.

The example of parents before your eyes

In the early years and even in the later period (6-10 years), the child imitates the behavior of his parents. If a mother or father suffers from perfectionism, there is a high probability that the child will have the same problem, who constantly sees a living example before his eyes. If close relatives are characterized by increased emotionality, emotional and mental instability, they often share failures as examples of non-compliance with the rules - this reinforces negative patterns in the psyche of the young person.

Parents should avoid making everything perfect. Strange as it may sound. Perfectionism is “contagious,” especially when it comes to raising the younger generation. You need to stick to some golden mean. Do not neglect your responsibilities, but also do not create a tragedy if it seems that the issue has not been fully resolved. This is quite a difficult task.

Negative experiences during adolescence

In simple terms, this is acquired perfectionism. As a rule, it develops against the background of self-doubt in a system with negative experience. One follows from the other.

A classic example: a student goes to the board and accidentally makes a mistake. If a teacher does not take into account the interests of his own students, he scolds and humiliates the student. The class picks up. This is serious psychological trauma. Not only was the person not recognized, he was also publicly humiliated and ridiculed. This leads to a pathogenetic mechanism. I won't be made fun of if I try harder. It doesn’t occur to a person that the problem is not so much in him, but in the environment. Personality changes and distortions of perception begin. A person concentrates on himself and tries to change something.

Immaturity of thinking

Additional research has shown that patients who see only one side of the coin are more likely to do everything perfectly. They see the world in black and white. In the categories of "good" and "bad". This greatly limits their psychological maneuver.

People hold the same opinion regarding actions. It can be done either poorly or perfectly. And since the criteria for “ideality” are rather vague, it’s still impossible to achieve the goal. Patients drive themselves into a psychological trap, it’s a vicious circle. And there is no easy way out of it. You can cope with the situation only if you expand your thinking. But coping with such a task is not so easy. By the way, this explains why some people lose their tendency towards perfectionism as they age.

The issue again needs to be resolved under the supervision of a specialist.

Negative social environment

Partially this was said. If a person’s parents suffer from a disorder, then the child himself is likely to become a victim of the problem. In this case, you can expand the circle of “culprits”. It is not only the mother and father who provoke the development of a conditioned pathological process. In short, the problem may lie with other relatives and even friends. The second applies more to adolescent patients. A negative social environment can cause the disorder to worsen. Therefore, you need to think with your own head and, if possible, not play these games. There is no ideal; this must be clearly understood.

Lack of love in childhood

Perfectionist syndrome is the result of a lack of love in childhood. Confessions from parents and older generations. How does this condition develop? Mainly through comparison. Look what Sasha/Kolya/Petya did, but you are not like that and are doing it wrong. It is clear that the child will try to meet the expectations of his parents and imitate the conventional Petya in order to be like him. This means they will love him. A situation with a protest is possible, but this is a relatively rare case. Lack of recognition in adolescence has much the same effect. Sometimes even stronger. You need to cope with the disorder in order to make your life easier.

These are the main causes of the pathological process. Of course, we are talking only about the problem, cognitive distortion. Healthy perfectionism is good. But you need to strive not for the ideal, but simply to do the job well. This is the key difference between normal and conventional pathology.

How to communicate with a man and a woman who is a perfectionist

When meeting a woman or man who is a perfectionist, it is necessary to take into account that such people tend to invent “ideals”. The person she or he likes immediately becomes an “ideal” for a perfectionist. The perfectionist extends all his ideas about the ideal husband, partner, friend to him. And when it turns out that the partner does not correspond to all these invented “signs of the ideal,” disappointment sets in, turning into scandal and discord.

Therefore, in order to maintain a normal relationship with a perfectionist, you should immediately explain that you are not an “ideal”; you, like any other person, have a lot of weaknesses and shortcomings that must be taken into account. If your perfectionist partner likes this “alignment,” you can count on a long and positive relationship. If not, it is better to immediately stop close communication.

Classification of conditional pathological process: what perfectionism is

A perfectionist is a person who strives to do everything perfectly. But this brief definition does not reflect the whole essence of the anomalous phenomenon. The pathological process can be classified according to the targeting of requirements. That is, according to who the person’s wishes are addressed to. Accordingly, they distinguish:

I-address variety. When a person torments himself with impossible demands. The motto of such a patient is: I must be perfect. It is considered a relatively harmless species from a social point of view. At the same time, such patients suffer from loneliness, depression, and anxiety disorders. They can and should be treated under the supervision of a psychotherapist. With age, symptoms may weaken, but not always. The question is whether the sufferer himself is ready to change his attitude towards the world and his own personality.
Type focused on external requirements. In this case, a person addresses his demands to others. Most often - to the immediate social environment. He considers himself ideal, or he himself is tormented by the desire for ideal. Such people are unbearable in communication and social interaction. Especially if the disorder is developed and clearly visible. It is necessary to correct the condition as early as possible in order to reduce the likelihood of progression to nothing.
There is an even larger type of pathological process when a person addresses his demands not to the real environment, but to the whole world in general. Such patients are idealistic, romantic, believe in justice and a bright future. They are distinguished by extreme fastidiousness and selectivity in communication. They have no friends or very few acquaintances and relatives.

In psychology, perfectionism is divided into innate and acquired. If everything is clear with the first, then the second is of greater interest. It is mainly determined by social requirements, when society itself puts forward demands on the patient. This is most noticeable during school years. This is how the notorious “excellent student syndrome” is formed, although we are talking about an independent disorder.

What is the bottom line, perfectionism, is it good or bad?

Mostly it’s bad, because the line between “I do a good job” and “I’ll do everything perfectly” is very thin. Most people slide into the second extreme. And this is a direct path to complications and pathological consequences.

It is important to set strict limits

Setting boundaries is guaranteed to get rid of perfectionist obsessions.
It is important to determine how many resources we are willing to spend on projects and work. In life, boundaries are flexible and blurred, and you can always spend a little more time, put in a little more effort and invest a little more money to do your job a little better and move further.

It is important to conserve resources, here are the five most valuable of them and ways to save them:

Time: set a time limit and set a deadline.
Information: determine the final amount of information required.
Money: Set a limit on the amount of money you are willing to spend to complete a task perfectly.
Energy: determine how much effort you are willing to expend to achieve a goal.
Support: Think about what help is needed and how to thank everyone who provides support. At the same time, it is important not to fall into the trap of someone else’s perfectionism - you should not allow yourself to be helped for free.

Severity of perfectionism

The severity of perfectionism is divided into three degrees.

Easy or first

The patient does not dwell on his own problems and failures. However, they greatly upset him. A person does not stop, strives to look at things with a positive, optimistic view. The motto is: if it didn’t work out now, it will definitely work out later, next time. People live with this condition for a long time; it does not go away on its own. Need help from a specialist. But only if the disorder progresses.

Moderate severity

The patient does not accept failure. They are difficult and painful for him. He perceives any problem as a critical, real tragedy. Although, in fact, most often the problem is not terrible and can be completely solvable. This degree requires mandatory assistance from a specialist.

Severe or clinical degree

The person cannot do anything. The so-called perfectionist paralysis develops. When the patient wants to do something, but is afraid of not achieving the ideal. In such thoughts he remains inactive. This is already a full-fledged pathological process. A comprehensive correction is required under the supervision of a psychotherapist.

What is bad about perfectionism is precisely the paralysis of activity, self-doubt and loss of time. The patient can concentrate for a long time on a task that is already done well. It just couldn't be better. This is an obstacle to development and a serious psychological burden.

Achievements of goals

To shift targets from the prevention field to the assistance field, four actions are sufficient:

Draw a table with three columns: prevention, positive results, promotion.
Define prevention goals. To do this, you need to remember everything that you don’t like in life and what you have to put up with, what you want to avoid, and what to change, and write it down in the first column. Prevention goals contain negation and often have the particle “not.”
Describe the positive results we want to achieve and add them to the second column.
Using the information in the first two columns, reformulate the preventive goals into promoting ones and write them in the third column. Important: new goals should not contain the word “no”.

What is the difference between a perfectionist and a pedant?

What is the difference? The differences are quite significant. And now you will understand why using examples.

Pedantry is based on precise, minute adherence to rules and regulations. Perfectionism allows you to break the rules if the ideal result requires it. The goal of a pedant is not to do everything perfectly. Example. At work, you are given a task: to do this and that. The pedant doesn’t care what the result will be. The main thing is that: a) the work is completed, b) all requirements and instructions are followed. It doesn't matter what the outcome is. This leads to the second difference.
The pedant mainly takes on small tasks. Since they are strictly regulated, it is much easier to follow the rules. Patients prone to perfectionism take on large-scale tasks that are not always defined by rules. And they strive to make them the best they can.

Pedants are conservative. They strive to do everything according to established rules. To guarantee results. People with perfectionism tend to act effectively and strive for growth and development.
Finally, pedants meticulously perform even trivial things. Pencils lying unevenly, a painting hanging crookedly. All this is a real challenge for a pedant. A perfectionist does not suffer from this problem.

It is clear that both have problems. But pedantry is largely the core of personality. And perfectionism is a trait that can be corrected.

Define priorities

Perfectionism is when the secondary becomes primary and the background comes to the fore.
Solution: The goal needs to shift from prevention to promotion. Examples of promotion and prevention:

Assistance	Prevention
Achieving order : I like it when everything is in order.	Avoiding clutter : I hate clutter.
Looking for reviews : I need another opinion	Avoidance of criticism : I don't care what others say
Production/creation/action : I baked a cake	Avoiding Mistakes : It Was the Worst Cake Ever
Essential Points : I wrote the speech	Adding decorations : I can't find the right words
The main thing : I can’t meet the deadline...	Details :... and here is a list of reasons why I can’t
Gaining knowledge : I don’t know, but for your sake I’ll figure it out	Portrayal of ignorance : I don't think anyone knows
Informing Others : Here's What You Should Know	Getting others to like you : let me tell you what else I know
Mastery : Children are challenged to be the best parent they can be.	Loss of control : children should not demand anything
Assessment of achievements : today I called four clients	Omissions assessment : I have not yet completed the call plan
Expression of joy : I meet old friends whom I have not seen for a long time	Avoiding shame/embarrassment : I hope they don't ask why I haven't moved forward with my business idea yet.
Receiving an award : I want to get good reviews	Avoidance of judgment : I don't want to get bad reviews.

Perfectionism and procrastination

As practice shows, perfectionism and procrastination go hand in hand. Procrastination refers to the tendency to put things off for a long time. For example, instead of doing homework or working, the sufferer goes online: looks through email, opens the same pages dozens of times. Often he doesn’t understand why he does it.

As practice shows, most often this is the result of internal discomfort, fatigue and overwork.

The main signs of a perfectionist

Among the many manifestations of perfectionism, we can highlight the fundamental

Inflated performance standards and expectations that often do not correspond to real capabilities.
The belief that others demand too much from you.
Constantly comparing oneself with successful people, as well as comparing all sorts of actually observed objects and phenomena with certain “ideals”.
Life is based on the “all or nothing” principle.

Symptoms of the disorder

Defining perfectionism is impossible without describing the symptoms of the pathological process. The clinical picture includes a group of manifestations.

Internal tension

Sufferers experience constant internal discomfort, trying to do everything perfectly. But they are always unhappy with the results. This is a typical feature of neurotic perfectionism. The tension builds until it reaches anxiety. Anxiety can develop into an independent pathological process. Then, in addition to psychotherapy, the patient will also need medications. The disorder has an extremely negative effect on the body.

Tendency to do everything perfectly

Core feature. It develops from the very first days of the disorder and becomes its basis. The tendency to do everything as best as possible reaches the point of absurdity: even with perfectly done work, a person is dissatisfied and looks for problems in it. This leads to anxiety and rapid fatigue. Asthenic syndrome develops. The patient becomes irritable, constantly wants to sleep, and cannot rest properly.

Phobias and fears

They develop after some time. Phobias and fears are based on a pathological desire to control everything and do the best job possible. For a long time, such tension is leveled out by the reserves of the nervous system. Then anxiety disorders and phobias develop. Panic attacks are possible. The problem can only be dealt with under the supervision of specialists.

Increased demands on yourself

The person perceives himself inadequately. In particular, this is manifested by increased demands on oneself, the desire to be the best. But this is impossible. A vicious circle arises.

Increased demands on others

This trait irritates others. Not only does a person perceive himself inadequately, he also perceives others in the same way. Makes his own demands. Therefore, a perfectionist has an insufficient social circle and few friends. Which means social isolation and even greater internal discomfort from the feeling of one’s own inferiority and uselessness.

Low self-esteem

Is part of the whole.

The symptoms are obvious and clearly visible, especially if the process reaches moderate and clinical severity.

Is the “disease” dangerous?

“Healthy” perfectionism is not only not a dangerous state, but in a sense “ideal” for a person. Such a perfectionist, in particular, has a quality that is valuable for the present time - resistance to stress. If perfectionism takes the form of a mental disorder, then it is definitely harmful both for the “patient” himself and for the people around him.

Diagnostics

How to understand that you are a perfectionist? You need to undergo diagnostics under the supervision of a psychologist or psychotherapist. The events are something like this:

Oral survey. Or, more simply put, an ordinary conversation. An experienced specialist quickly identifies the problem and discovers it during the first conversation. Then additional diagnostic methods are developed.
Special tests for perfectionism are used: questionnaires, dysfunctional attitude scales, perfectionism scale. There are also additional questionnaires. They are quite reliable, especially in the system.
Functional test. The patient is asked to perform a simple task. Based on the results, we can talk about one or another degree of deviation. Determine whether it is a disease or not. Disorders are indicated by increased emotional tension, patient remarks, and anxiety.

Isn't this vanity?

But how do you feel when you cross the line? The desire to do your job to the highest quality is so commendable and (for many) natural. Christians are commanded to perform every task, even the smallest, as if you were doing it for the Lord. This implies a bar beyond which there is no higher limit. How can you, while adhering to these highest requirements, not be a perfectionist?

Let's move from the psychological, spiritual dimension to the spiritual. Perfectionism is a passion. The obsessive desire for perfection is associated with envy, lies, and most of all – with vanity. Vanity is empty glory. Isn’t this what a perfectionist is looking for, feeding on people’s praise and trying to do everything better than everyone else, to be the best? Vanity aspirations can lead a person into excitement and make him forget about his own intellectual, physical (and spiritual) capabilities. Unfulfilled vanity leads to despondency, and therefore laziness.

The holy fathers unanimously call the fight against the passion of vanity the most difficult - it is so many-sided and cunning. We will touch only on some of its aspects. At ascetic heights, any vain thoughts are cut off. There is a story about a monk confessing a sinful thought to an elder: “Abba, thoughts come to me that I was very carefully making my bed...”

Don't rush to smile skeptically. The level of spiritual success and perfectionism that the monk and I have is different, but the problem is essentially the same. Therefore, advice on combating vanity from St. John Cassian the Roman, intended for monks, are suitable - with small discounts - for all of us:

“Let us not allow ourselves to do anything with a vain intention, to gain vain glory.
“What we did well in the beginning, we must try to protect with due attention, so that the creeping passion of vanity does not abolish all the fruits of our efforts.”
“We must with all diligence avoid what is not done in the society of brothers or is not of common use.”
“We should also avoid things that can distinguish us from others and cause people to praise us as if we were the only ones doing it.”

Those who have conquered the “deadly infection of vanity” are unlikely to face such a trifle as pathological perfectionism.

Treatment of the pathological condition

Is it possible to stop being a perfectionist and get rid of this shortcoming forever? Yes, it's quite possible. Psychotherapy is needed. Several techniques are used.

Psychodynamic. To identify the causes of the pathological process.
Behavioral. After identifying the causes, it is necessary to correct the disorder.
Cognitive. So that the patient perceives himself adequately.

How else to deal with this? If anxiety develops, you can get rid of the symptoms with the help of sedatives and mild tranquilizers. They must be taken strictly with the approval of the attending physician and nothing else. Unauthorized actions are unacceptable.

It takes up to several months to resolve the problem. In especially difficult cases, several years of work on yourself.

What can you do to deal with excessive perfectionism?

Perhaps the very first and most difficult step to get rid of perfectionism is acceptance. What does this mean? Most often, when faced with something that he considers insufficient, imperfect, or simply bad, a perfectionist evaluates it, denies the reality of this phenomenon, or begins to make attempts to correct it. For example, when faced with failure at work, a perfectionist evaluates it (“this is a disaster”, “this is a terrible result”, “this is a disaster”), denies it (“but this cannot be!”, “someone made a mistake”, “this is not my problem") or begins to act (“I must fix everything urgently”, “I must make sure that the boss does not find out under any circumstances”). Acceptance is the opposite behavior. Accepting means observing, describing in non-judgmental words, thinking about the most appropriate action. If we take the previous example, then to accept means to describe non-judgmentally (“it’s 18:00 now, the boss asked to submit the report by 19:00, I have half of the report ready”), to refuse urgent action on this matter and think about what would be the wisest solution in this situation, if you came to terms with it (“even if I start working on the report now, I won’t be able to submit it on time, so it would be better if I now take a half-hour break, rest and have a snack, and then get back to work with renewed vigor ").
They say about perfectionists that they often do not think about what is important to them and strive to get everything at once.. Make a table in which important areas of life (work, family, friends...) are listed in one column, and ideal ones in the next achievements in these areas. Most likely, you will quickly realize that it is not possible to do it all at the same time (and this must be accepted). Then in the next column, write down more realistic, achievable goals that you can call “good enough.”
Perfectionists have a hard time praising themselves (and others). Write a thank you letter to the person who helped you. Write this letter to yourself.
Think about someone you know or know who has created an environment in which it is normal or even good to make mistakes. How did he manage to do this, what did he do for this? Can you adopt any techniques from him?
Perfectionists often do not give themselves the opportunity to rest and recuperate. Think about it, is this really good for you? If not, then plan a break for today (even if it’s just for 15 minutes). And every day for the next week. Plan your vacation.
Perfectionists are often very critical of themselves and see many flaws in themselves. To overcome perfectionism, make a table in which, in the left column, list the qualities that you don’t like about yourself (“anxious”; “clutter”) and the associations that such characteristics can cause in other people (“cares about others”, “ does everything on time”; “creative person”).

The main thing to remember: in the fight against perfectionism - no perfectionism!

(the article was written based on the book “The Perfectionist Paradox” by Tal Ben-Shahar)

Author of the article: Serebryannaya Anna Vladimirovna

Possible complications

There are quite a lot of complications:

Neurotic disorders. Anxiety, sleep disturbances.
Fall in self-esteem.
Social self-isolation.
Lack of a close social circle. Ultimately, loneliness. Forced, and not as a conscious choice of the patient.
Depression leading to full-blown and long-term depressive disorder. In this case, drugs from the antidepressant group are prescribed. In a precisely adjusted dosage.
Decreased productivity. Oddly enough, a perfectionist spends too much time working on one problem and does not have enough energy to do everything else.
Suicidal thoughts and even productive attempts to commit suicide are possible. But this is a rather rare situation. This develops against the background of a severe pathological process, supported by depression.

There are many complications. Hence the importance of therapy. The problem is by no means a joke.

Prevention lies in the proper upbringing of the child. As little pressure and excessive demands as possible. This is the basis.