The most popular question that comes to the editor is: “Why doesn’t a man write?”, or what his messages mean. We totally understand this because we asked the same questions ourselves on separate days... and it drove us crazy!
Why does he take so long to answer?... What does he think about me?... The answers are short and vague, does he not like me anymore?... Why did he start a conversation, then just disappear?
Believe me, we ourselves have asked these questions and understand you perfectly. Why are we so worried and worried about text messages and no calls? When a man is silent, does not write or call every day, disappears somewhere after sex or a date, is silent for hours?
You can acquire thousands of template SMS messages to attract his attention, but the point is completely different. Messages will not give real insight into what a man thinks about messages and calls. So, let's find out!
At the end of the article you will find a secret bonus video about whether you should write first
Why doesn’t a man write or call for so long?
There are several answers to the question...
Men are bad at multitasking
Most men are simply not as good at multitasking as women. Men are usually absorbed in any task. And when they are in this mode, nothing else exists. Women are much more mobile. Can change gears smoothly without losing focus.
Many studies have shown that women primarily gain self-esteem through interpersonal relationships. Men primarily gain a sense of value from their ability to make an impact on the world.
So in the context of texting and relationships, a woman's head is thinking about relationships. Even when she is at work or doing something. Women can do many things at once. Men usually can't, at least not the ones that require work. A partner can start texting all day, no matter how crazy their day is. But this will only happen in the early stages of the relationship. And it just won't be sustainable for long.
The reason women are disappointed is that they expect men to experience relationships the same way they do. She wants to hear from him within the day. Because it makes you feel like the right woman. And even when she’s at work, she can’t help but think about why the man doesn’t write or call. We women often wait for messages and need attention. And that’s why we panic when a man doesn’t show signs of attention.
Confession of a man:
Men don't like to be disturbed during the day. We easily lose focus. I don't talk on the phone during the day, so I don't see messages. Men are annoyed by lazy girls who write all the time. Just leave alone for the day is the message I want to write for the most part. I have things I want to do. And every message with a girl is distracting. However, if I think about a woman, I will definitely write. If I don’t send a message within 12 hours, that’s only when I really don’t care.
Now you may ask...
But he wrote so much at the beginning, what happened? Why doesn't a man write the same now?
Well, in the beginning he tried to seduce. That’s why I paid so much attention to messages and calls. I didn't want to lose you to another man. There was a goal: to conquer you. Once he got you, he didn't need to pursue with motivation. And he could relax.
It is simply impossible for him to write messages and call all day long as before. Once the relationship becomes a little more established, it simply isn't necessary. This is exactly the moment when women often destroy what they have.
They interpret the decrease in messages and calls as a sign that he is losing interest. They reflexively panic and fear loss. As a result, the woman begins to need a man. And she stops being the cool girl who caught his attention in the first place.
Moral of the story: just relax! There is nothing bad. It just returns to a more normal rhythm. No problems, but you will create them if you can't be okay.
Confession of a man:
When I really like a girl, I text her a lot throughout the day. Because I always think about her. But this is not sustainable. Because the relationship has been going on for a while, it doesn't feel natural. They start to feel like work. And then it becomes a problem. Because the girl wants you to continue texting as much as you did in the beginning. This makes a guy want to text even less!
Men communicate differently than women
Men don't talk to make a connection. They usually communicate to achieve some goal or make a plan.
Girls get more upset and wonder if they said something. Men are just going to go about their day and focus on something else. And they are completely unaware of the chaos they have caused with women.
When a guy doesn't answer or gives quick, short answers, it actually means... nothing at all!
Confession of a man:
Girls expect a response even to messages that do not elicit a response. For example, “I'm going to watch a movie tonight” is not a message that NEEDS a response. Best message: “What movie should I watch?” If a man doesn't answer, he's probably busy. If this is a pattern of behavior, then he doesn't really like you. Give it up.
He's just not interested in you
This is an area that confuses many women. Maybe you've interacted with him a few times. Maybe you've been communicating for several months. At any rate, he is the man you like. And he seems kind of like you. But you don't really know... and his messages don't clarify anything!
Sometimes he wants to write or call you. Sometimes you live without receiving a single message from him. Sometimes he responds to your SMS immediately. Sometimes it takes hours, days or even weeks. You are so confused. Does he like me or not?
Well, he likes you. He attracts you. He enjoys your company. I like being around you. But he's not really in love with you. That is, he does not consider you as someone with whom he wants to develop a stronger relationship.
You want to hold on to the signs that you like him. And of course you can find many such signs. But there is also a lot of evidence that suggests that he is not as in love with you as you are.
When a man is in love, it's obvious. He won't leave you alone. He will not allow your relationship to remain uncertain. It won't disappear. And he doesn’t risk losing you to someone else. If a man loves a woman and she writes to him, he will be excited and want to write back to her. He won't look at his phone and say, "Ugh, not in the mood for her right now." This way he won't say, "I'll text her later (and then forget about it for the next few days)."
When a man is in love, you don't need to be reminded that you exist.
He is busy
Sometimes the simplest explanation is the right one.
Just because you're home alone and bored doesn't mean he's home. And just because you check your phone 45 minutes an hour doesn't mean it does. People are busy. They go into another room while their phone is charging. People see messages and wait until they have a few minutes before responding.
And sometimes SMS simply don’t arrive. Or they come in a few hours. You have to look at everything in context. If overall you really like him (and when a guy likes you, it's easy to see). And he doesn't answer, it's probably because he's busy or distracted. If he was chatting with you from the very beginning, then his words reflect how he is feeling.
Who's holding the steering wheel?
Do you feel that you are bored and already want to hear the voice of your loved one? Call yourself.
You are as much a partner in this relationship as your man. You are as responsible for the relationship as your partner and have the same power in it as your partner.
Get to work - you have your own life
Sitting with your phone in your arms, you give up your part of responsibility, delegating it to another person. You don't allow yourself to do what you want. The result is dissatisfaction with the relationship, irritation with the man, apathy and powerlessness.
This happens even if before meeting a man you were strong and confident. The tender care of another person for us takes us back to childhood, which is captivating and sweet. But this oasis is just a mirage. Get out of the hole of passivity and childish expectation that someone adult will come and save you from all your troubles. This adult is yourself.
What to do when a man doesn't write
First of all, don't panic or assume that he's losing interest and doesn't like you. When did premature panic draw someone to the right place? Never.
If he hasn't texted you back, it's probably due to one of the reasons we listed above. If you can't tell exactly what it is, then just leave it alone. And please don't dwell on it.
Also, don't text him a million times to follow up. If you've been texting and he hasn't responded, just leave it alone. Don't mess with words:
Are you here??
Hello???
I know the phone is working because you just posted something on Instagram!
Doing this will just make you look like a crazy and pathetic woman. Just don't do anything. If he still doesn't respond... well, then remember that the message doesn't mean much to him. Accept him for who he is and move on.
Something happened
The guy stopped writing and calling for objective reasons: he got sick, suddenly went on a business trip where there was no connection with the outside world, he lost his phone number. Unfortunately, not every man is attentive enough to think about a girl’s feelings. Especially if you have only recently met.
What to do
- Don't act like a little girl: don't fantasize about horrors and tragedies. Your man will soon show up on his own; you shouldn’t write first in such a situation.
- Wait for the message. When a guy calls or writes, try not to argue or quarrel.
- Ask about the reason for the absence. If a man refuses to answer, do not insist. He has the right to keep a secret.
Calling a girl before a sudden trip or business trip is a good sign to check the relationship between lovers. If a guy finds a couple of minutes to talk, it means he really cares about you.
Why is this so difficult? Secrets of psychology
At the core of why women are so worried about the whole texting and calling issue is fear. Fear that a man is not really interested in hurting you, that he is just trying to play with you.
When we have fear or faith, our psyche will try to find evidence to support what we feel. We all travel around the world with the help of filtering systems that take in relevant information. And they discard everything else. For example, if you think that no one likes you, you will hone in on people who don't like you. And ignore all the evidence that people really value you.
Loving a man is scary. Especially when the relationship is at an early stage. And you're not entirely sure how he feels. You feel like a vulnerable woman. You feel unprotected, you are nervous... And you are not entirely sure that this man will be different from the rest.
So you are looking for proof that he will hurt you. Confirm to yourself that you will never be able to find the one you want. When you don't hear from him, it's not because he's busy. Often because he is not interested in you. Or he writes to some other girl.
If he doesn't respond to your texts for hours, it's not because he didn't have his phone nearby. It's because he doesn't think you're important.
If his answers are short, it's not because he hates texting or calling. And he prefers to just see you in person. But because he is annoyed with you. And he doesn’t want you to write or call him anymore.
We hope you understand. The point is that we create our own stories. And if we allow negative stories to stick to the point where we actually start to believe them as truth, we also create our own realities with our greatest fears.
Experiment result
The next day, Kirill went into the office where Lena worked. The first thing I did was look at her and ask if she wanted to go for a walk at lunchtime. Viva Victoria! It turned out even better than Lena expected: instead of a call, there was a meeting right away.
So, our experiment lasted only 3 days and ended successfully. I am sure that any girl can apply these simple recommendations if her man does not call. And instead of despairing that the man has disappeared, continue to go on dates with him, receive gifts and declarations of love.
But what about those whose relationships are seriously falling apart at the seams? What to do if your loved one has lost interest or even packed up and left?
restore your relationship
if you really want it. Get a step-by-step strategy and learn how to get your beloved man back in 35 days at Lisa Volkova’s free master class.
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What do you usually do if your chosen one disappears for a long time and does not make himself known? Share in the comments.
What to do when a man doesn't answer you
First of all, stop worrying! Guys have no idea what this means for women. Most guys are shocked when we talk about how many questions we get on this topic.
If the lack of response makes you feel uneasy, then the feelings are coming from you. Something inside causes a feeling of fear of rejection. Or maybe it feeds feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness. No amount of texting from him will solve this. You need to dig deeper and figure out the essence of the problem yourself.
Text messages are not a barometer for relationships. Focus more on the quality of time you spend together. And not on the number of words you exchange every day. Naturally, as the relationship develops, the number of words decreases. And you spend more time together. A drop in posts doesn't mean you're going backwards.
Just focus on yourself. Focus on your level of confidence, your sense of value. On controlling thoughts, preventing growth into the zone of obsession. On things that are under control (you and your thoughts). And not on things that are out of control (he and his feelings).
Guys can feel emotions through text. We don't know how the brain does this, but it does. They know when you're coming from a place of desperate need. From a place where you need to react a certain way in order to feel good.
When you control the mind, all the message handling will not be a problem.
Offended
This option is possible even after a first date or online communication. It’s easy to offend a man’s ego if we touch on the following topics:
- A man will not forgive anyone for ridiculing tears, vulnerability, or fears.
- Comparisons with other guys, exes (not in favor of the interlocutor).
- Discussion of his shortcomings in a bantering, harsh manner.
- Showing dissatisfaction after intimacy, ambiguous jokes.
- Stories about what your girlfriends think about him. Of course, all women discuss boyfriends and husbands with their friends, but it is not necessary to tell a man about this.
- Demonstration of intellectual, physical superiority on the part of a woman. This is a powerful blow to a man’s pride; he wants to be the first in everything.
What to write to a man
To make sure he is the last thing on your mind before he falls asleep, send one of the sweet good night texts to melt his heart. Read this article and arm yourself with sweet messages.
We hope this article helped you understand the real reasons why men don't text or call. Essentially, you are afraid of the man's loss of interest. There will come a time when a man can pull away and start walking away. Do you know how to react correctly when this happens? If not, read this article.
We recommend watching a video from which you will find out why a man doesn’t write and whether you should write first:
My girlfriend's secret
My friend Katya didn’t understand my whining. They always called her back. And even when the man made himself known late, she said: “My boyfriend is the best! Doesn’t write, doesn’t call, doesn’t invite me for a walk, doesn’t bother me - my sunshine.” I didn’t understand this attitude, but I had to admit that Katyusha was much luckier with the guys...
I unraveled my friend’s secret only a few years later, when I was already married. It was simple: if it happened that a man disappeared, Katya intuitively acted according to certain rules. And so he returned to her quite quickly.
I accidentally came across these very rules while watching a video on Lisa Volkova’s YouTube channel “POWER IN THOUGHT”. It talked about the behavior of a girl who is waiting for the first step from a man. It turned out that Katya did everything right, which, alas, I cannot say about myself.
By the way, how would you behave in such a situation?
So, why doesn’t a man write or call?
- Guys are bad at multitasking and can't text all day if they want to get something done.
- Men communicate for the sake of achieving a goal, not for the sake of communication.
- The man is just not that into you.
- Partner is busy
Read more articles about relationships with a man on our blog
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If this is a common story for you
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Doesn't see the result of his courtship
Guys love beautiful and inaccessible: This is what many girls think and create a mask on their face “don’t interfere, they’ll kill you.” Well, young people don’t “fit in,” but she, in fact, wants attention and communication. How will he understand if she makes it clear with all her appearance and behavior that “closed”?
Of course, young people can remember that “the city takes courage” and bravely rush at the external indifference and coldness of a girl, but why do guys need this, because there are many who are open and friendly. Sometimes a sporting interest kicks in, whether I can do it or not. But you have to pay for communicating with such a young lady, like everything else in this world, for example, time, mental effort, etc. And the result is far from obvious.
The girls are left alone and ask themselves: why? Yes, because no matter how attractive you are, if “unavailable” is written on your face, then for young people this means access has been denied in advance. If the door is closed, don’t break in, persistently look for the open door. So they don’t break. And she was already daydreaming, the guy showed interest, but, faced with apparent inaccessibility, disappeared.
Perhaps you have shown yourself to be too proud and unapproachable Photo: pixabay.comThe winners are girls who may not have the most attractive appearance, but are friendly and sociable. It seems that, at first glance, she is “no good”, but the guys are constantly hanging around her, taking her into their company, courting her. And then the other girls get jealous, but continue to wear a sign on their foreheads that says “don’t interfere, he’ll kill you.” Maybe it's time to change the sign?
On the importance of visual image and photographs for men
Building a harmonious relationship between a man and a woman is a long process in which both parties must participate. Most men love with their eyes and draw appropriate conclusions regarding their partner. But their vision is somewhat different from women's. A man often does not notice the details, although he reacts to a dramatic change in a woman’s image, not always immediately understanding what it is expressed in.
In search of an ideal, he can compare his partner with beautiful girls from fashionable glossy magazines or actresses. Gradually, the young man develops his own canons of beauty, according to which he chooses his companion. An indicator of increased interest in a new acquaintance is often the desire to have her photograph.
But external attractiveness plays a big role only at first, being a kind of trigger for starting a relationship. After the first stage of acquaintance, the second begins, when two people have common interests. In the future, the life partner wants to see complete harmony of the external image of his beloved with her inner world.
How to behave if he only answers your calls?
- Fear of rejection. Inexperienced and shy young people are usually afraid of rejection. The guy is just confused, doesn’t know what to talk about. Perhaps he has the desire to dial your number, but as soon as the phone is in his hands, the gentleman panics. His head is occupied with anxious thoughts: what to say, how to behave if the girl is busy, what if she doesn’t agree to talk, much less meet... If you suspect that your chosen one is one of these, take the initiative into your own hands. Show him that his fears are in vain, that you are no less interested in him than you are to him.
- Afraid of offending. If your gentleman is in no hurry to call himself for a month, but does not leave your calls and messages unanswered, think about whether he is interested in a relationship with you? Unambiguous answers, lack of counter questions, coldness, detachment - this behavior clearly shows that the guy wants to communicate, but cannot find the words to refuse.
- Manipulation. In cases where a woman refuses to have sex with a man for a long time, he may resort to manipulation by choosing the option of ignoring. An abrupt cessation of communication on his part is a way to demonstrate that he is offended. He needs your emotions so that you understand that you will lose him completely if you continue to refuse intimacy.
Most likely, you offended the man in some way, or he thought that you were not interested in him. Most women don’t even realize that men are also vulnerable and touchy. They are easily offended by a careless word, an inappropriate laugh, or a comment. If this is your case, then out of pride the gentleman will not call first. There is only one way out - talk to him frankly to find out what he was offended by.
He's offended.- Waiting for the right moment. Few men like empty conversations on the phone. They usually call to share important news, arrange a meeting, etc. Of course, if your relationship began a long time ago, your chosen one will call to inquire about matters. But if the acquaintance took place recently, it is most likely that the man is silent, waiting for him to have more free time and does not want to disturb without reason.
- Illness, trouble. Men hide their weaknesses. He got sick, had troubles with his relatives, at work, etc. - It is unlikely that he will rush to tell you about it. A gentleman will appear on your horizon when all problems are resolved. Before that, he will be entirely occupied with resolving the difficulties that have arisen, without even thinking about calls or messages.
- Low interest. Sometimes representatives of the stronger sex keep girls around them who are not too interested in them as a backup option. Until true love appears in his life, in moments of special boredom he will communicate with you. The gentleman will not call you unless absolutely necessary, but he will respond to your first step so as not to miss out.
The reasons for his silence after the date: the psychology of relationships
If he stopped calling and writing, what could this mean and how should he behave? He may remain silent for several days or a week for several reasons. Sometimes it’s difficult to figure out why your man is silent.
If you didn’t wait for the call after your first date, if the one with whom you have been together for several years forgets about your existence, if the silence lasts two days, a week or much more - in order to understand how to behave, you need to consider each case separately. The reasons for this may be different, and the advice on how a woman should behave will also be different.
Let's look at the main reasons why a guy stopped calling, and what a woman should do about it:
- Silence after the first date. After a wonderful evening, you feel wings behind your back, you return home, full of happiness and plans for the future, but there is no call or message from a man either that day or the next. Most likely, a man will not call on purpose, since he needs a pause to understand and deal with his feelings. Psychologists believe that guys are often afraid of their own feelings. Men need time to decide on a relationship. This statement is only suitable if the silence lasts a couple of days. If it lasts for several weeks, it’s hardly worth waiting for the man to return to your life.
- Too many feelings. The result of the first date can be sad - the gentleman may be afraid of an excess of emotions on the part of the woman. It is difficult for men to express all their feelings at the first meeting, especially if they are just emerging. If throughout the entire romantic meeting a girl clearly expresses her love, dreams of what dress she will wear when she gets married, what she will name the children she shares with him, where to spend a joint vacation, the young man will prefer to stay away from such a decisive lady.
- Not everything is so fabulous. Women are great at simulating pleasure in bed, and men know how to look interested and enthusiastic. If your last date turned out to be wonderful, fun, and memorable, it’s not a fact that the man thinks the same about your meeting. Maybe he was just pretending that he was interested in your stories about figure skating or the recently watched romance series. Remember exactly how your date went. Was it only you who spoke or did your chosen one sincerely maintain the conversation? What if you're the only one who's interested?
- Recent quarrel. If you and a man had a serious fight, it is not surprising that he does not call or send messages. Usually, after a quarrel, men present themselves as victims, expecting that the woman will be the first to make contact. Many guys have an extremely negative attitude towards attacks from their partner, especially if they consider the cause of the scandal to be insignificant. It’s easier for men to lie low and wait for the girl to calm down. Loud showdowns are something that men cannot stand. If you are a fan of throwing tantrums out of the blue, remember that one day your partner will disappear forever.
- He doesn't like phone calls. Some men don't like calling or texting. They prefer to communicate in person. Only a special need forces them to pick up a gadget. If you are planning a relationship with such a man, accept that his love is not expressed in missed calls or received messages.
- Busy. Very often the phrase “was busy” is used as a standard excuse, but if you have fallen for a careerist, a responsible employee, do not be surprised that you have to wait a long time for news from him. His silence may be explained by unexpected difficulties, a lucrative contract, or important negotiations. In this case, remember that the chosen one threw himself into work, pushing other areas of life into the background.
- Financial difficulties. Some modern girls have great demands in material terms. They are not attracted to walks in the park or reading poetry under the moon. They prefer to meet at the cinema, cafe, bowling alley, etc. Of course, this is very expensive for the gentleman, since a real man considers it his duty to pay for entertainment. If you've only recently met, it's probably hard for a guy to admit to you that he's having money problems and can't afford to take you on a date to a place where you have to pay.
- An ordinary womanizer. Unfortunately, this happens quite often. If you are faced with a womanizer, you can give only one piece of advice - to be more careful when meeting the opposite sex. He achieved his goal, you succumbed to his charm. With this his mission is over, he calmly goes in search of his next fan. It is unlikely that you will see or hear him again - second dates with womanizers are impossible. Don't waste time waiting for a call after spending the night with him. Having fed you fairy tales about his successful and cool business, seducing you with walks on a yacht, riding in an expensive car (probably for rent), he forgot about you with a light heart, having received what he wanted. There is no point in him spending any more money on you.
- Married gentleman. Having a legal spouse or permanent girlfriend is another common reason why you can’t wait for a call/message. Being in a long-term serious relationship, a man loses his hunter's instinct, he needs recharge. Flirting with an attractive stranger at a corporate party is not a reason to continue communicating with her further.
- Lack of reciprocity. This option is suitable for a situation if you have just met. If after the first date a man does not call back, it means he realized that you are not suitable for him. Don’t take it too seriously, don’t consider yourself ugly, stupid, or uninteresting. Probably, the guy considered himself inappropriate for you, it seemed to him that your demands on men were somewhat too high, or that you simply had different interests and goals in life.
He got what he wanted
Often young people only need sex and nothing more. Is this news? If he received it, then thank you, nothing else is needed. Of course, it’s strange: there was sex, but maybe more? There is a male truth that is unpleasant for women: “Every girl deserves sex, but not every girl deserves sex twice.”
Perhaps he just needed sex. He got his and left Photo: pixabay.comAnd what about love? He said that he liked me, beautiful, sexy. That's right, without words of love and creating romance, the young man would not have reached the goal, sex itself. A girl just needs an increase in her importance, compliments, words of love, flowers, and then, maybe, sex. He needed just the opposite. The man got what he wanted, perhaps he hoped for greater passion, sexual activity and emancipation, but his expectations were not fully met.
So is it worth organizing courtship, romance a second time, listening to a lot of unnecessary information, spending time and money to get the same thing? He went to look elsewhere. What did you want?
Doesn't want to
Why doesn't a camel eat cotton wool? He doesn't want to. So is the man. This surprises many women, but besides sex, young people have something else to do. They may be passionate, for example, about their business, friends, sports, hobbies, or an interesting new project. If you are not more relevant than all of the above at the moment, then should you be surprised why he doesn’t call, doesn’t write, or has disappeared. The answer is - he’s busy, he can’t, or rather, he just doesn’t want to.
Talented young people are often very enthusiastic people, they simply have no time to call Photo: pixabay.comThe calmer the woman, the more emotional the man
The longer you wait for a call, the less likely it is to call. The more you “press”, the less he wants to do it. Saying a hundred times a day: “Buy me flowers and take me to the sea!”, a man will not become an inspired romantic, ready to conquer mountains for the sake of his muse.
The classic rule: “The less we love a woman, the more she likes us” also works in the opposite direction.
A calm, balanced woman, focused not only on men, but also on her hobbies, more often attracts decent guys. When they see that a girl is interested in a relationship, but behaves unobtrusively, they want to see her nearby.
Recommendations from psychologists
The main advice of all psychologists is to focus on yourself. If your boyfriend has disappeared and doesn’t want to continue communicating with you, don’t let depression enter your life. Make every effort, become more attractive, more interesting, so that the next man will be amazed by you.
- Development. Come up with a new hobby for yourself: horse riding, yoga, felting wool toys, massage courses, painting, dancing - do what gives you pleasure.
- Change of image. Most women are sure that a new style will change their lives for the better. Thanks to the change in image, they attract more attention. Brightness, well-groomed, beauty - such a woman is difficult not to notice.
- Wardrobe update. An option not only to enhance attractiveness, but also to lift your spirits. Almost any woman will not refuse shopping. Buying a new dress, bright shoes, a radical change in style - do not deny yourself this.
- Appearance. Maybe your chosen one has become less interested in you because the relationship has affected your appearance, you have become less well-groomed than at the beginning of the affair? Remember, men love it when a beautiful lady is next to them. Be beautiful, whether you've been together for two weeks or ten years.
- Vivid impressions. Give yourself positive emotions - go to Thailand, skydive, go to a car race. Make your old dreams come true. This way you can come to terms with the breakup less painfully and get rid of bad thoughts.
- Going out to people. Don't lock yourself within four walls. Of course, you can allow yourself to burst into tears while listening to a sad love drama, eating away your melancholy with ice cream or cake. But no more than one or two days! This way you can ruin your figure, and this is completely useless. Get off the couch, call your friends and move forward to new adventures!