No romance: what is a codependent relationship and why you need to start one

This article is part of the Auto-da-Fé project. In it we declare war on everything that prevents people from living and becoming better: breaking laws, believing in nonsense, deception and fraud. If you have encountered something similar, share your stories in the comments.

Everyone has different ideas about an ideal relationship. Some people are sure that in a couple, one should give and the other should receive. One participant is to be strong and responsible, and the other is weak and helpless. Then people will complement each other, and the relationship will be harmonious. However, in fact, such partners can be called codependent. And that's not healthy or romantic at all.

Codependent relationships are

Codependent relationships in psychology are considered as a pathological condition caused by strong emotional, social or physical dependence on another person, excessive preoccupation with him and his life. To put it simply, what a codependent relationship is is a strong attachment to a person, due to which one’s own needs, interests, and aspirations are infringed.

Codependency manifests itself in the loss of individuality, complete absorption in the life of a partner, and leads to the loss of healthy relationships based on love and mutual respect. Initially, the term was applied to couples in which one of the partners (addictive) suffered from some kind of addiction - alcohol, drugs, gambling addiction, etc., and the other was psychologically dependent on him. Now this definition is considered much more broadly, and applies not only to couples in which there is an addictive partner. A similar pattern of relationships between people is called the “Karpman Triangle” in psychology.

Karpman triangle

Codependent relationships can be considered using the Karpman Triangle model, according to which an addictive partner chooses for himself one of the following behavioral models:

victim - an addictive partner is a weak personality who needs to be pitied, sympathized, helped, etc.;
savior - a codependent participant in a relationship who strives to “save” a partner from his addiction or protect him from any life situations that cause an uncomfortable state;
pursuer (tyrant) - the desire to completely subjugate a partner so that he belongs entirely to the adept, using negative experience (mockery over mistakes, constant criticism, belittling results, etc.).

The three sides of the triangle are three roles that participants in codependent relationships play in turn. At first, tyranny flourishes in the relationship, then the pursuer begins to play the role of the victim, convincing that the partner himself brought it to this state. And in the end it ends with making amends, with the help of gifts, flowers, help and care.

It is precisely this kind of manipulation and letting down vigilance that prevents the codependent partner from ending this relationship, and in general from understanding that this is an “unhealthy” situation and should not be like this in a normal relationship. Therefore, it is important to know how to get rid of a codependent relationship with a man.

Why do adults choose this?

In addition to the benefits received, many also tolerate such treatment due to low self-esteem. A person is afraid that he will not be able to find a better option and prefers to stay in his habitual place, because everything here has long been clear and familiar.

Sometimes such relationships become normal, and the person no longer notices that something terrible is happening to him. For him, it is normal for a spouse to throw insults and even raise his hand. Habits are hard to fight, but even harder to recognize.

Signs of a codependent relationship

How can you determine that you are in a codependent relationship, and how exactly does this manifest itself?

Instructions on how to identify codependent relationships:

The presence of the following sensations in a codependent partner:

low self-esteem, which is accompanied by non-acceptance of oneself or even hatred of oneself;
constant feeling of guilt towards your partner;
suppressed feelings of aggression or anger;
predominance of depression most of the time;
“serving” the partner’s love with care and help;
suppression of one’s goals, desires, interests to please a partner;
dependence on other people's opinions, statements;
unreasonable anxiety.

A constant feeling of dissatisfaction with the relationship: it’s bad both when the partner is nearby and when he’s not.
The presence of manipulations that replace open communication.
The need to follow the established rules of the game in order to “earn” the partner’s love, to receive his approval and praise.
Total control over the life and actions of the partner.
The emergence of similar conflicts that develop according to the same scenario, accompanied by indifference to the interests of the partner.
A firm belief that the partner is to blame for all problems in a couple, the confidence that if he changes, then life will improve.
Repetition of the scenario of parental family relationships, that is, signs of codependent relationships in the family of the parents of one of the partners are clearly manifested in the relationship of the couple.
Violation of the personal boundaries of each partner means loss of individuality and dissolution into the general “we”.
Shifting responsibility completely to the partner or being hyper-responsible for him in everything.
A partner is the meaning of life.

Such signs of codependent relationships can appear in marriage, in the relationship between parents and children, or simply in a couple between a man and a woman. We will look at the types of codependent relationships in more detail below.

How to survive the pain of a breakup? — Practical advice

As I wrote above, you cannot think about two things at the same time. Therefore, you need to repress thoughts about your ex, and we repress by replacing some thoughts with others. How exactly to do this?

Advice: You must be busy all the time. Not a minute of free time. Throw yourself into work or some other activity.

The mistake of most people who have a psychologically difficult time is that they withdraw into themselves, dwell on thoughts from the past, and many even lead a passive and asocial lifestyle. Under no circumstances should you do this; you will simply go crazy and engage in self-flagellation.

As for the advice “Throw yourself into your work,” there are two important details:

The work must be new. It must be a new activity that is unfamiliar to you. If you perform familiar and routine tasks for yourself, they will not help crowd out thoughts of separation. You will do your job automatically and depressive thoughts will dominate your head. But when you get a new job or position, you have to master a lot of material in a short period of time, and you physically won’t be able to think about your ex.

There should be a lot of work. Suppose you are satisfied with your job, and you simply don’t need a new one. What to do in such a situation? Go to your boss's office and tell him that you need additional tasks for the day. Ideally, agree on processing so that you are paid for all this with interest. The boss will be only too happy to give you a lot of work, and that's exactly what you need. You will keep in your head the thought that you must complete new tasks by such and such a deadline. There will be many times fewer extraneous thoughts in such a situation; you will have no time to beat yourself up.

I have tested the effectiveness of this method in my own experience.

Life story: I broke up with my girlfriend and it was hard. Thoughts about her couldn’t get out of my head, my appetite was zero, my sleep was poor, my mood was no good. In general, a standard bouquet in such situations.

At that time, I was working remotely on freelance exchanges and, in principle, I had enough to eat. But I knew that at home, working remotely and working as usual, I would go crazy. I started looking for vacancies, in a field completely unfamiliar to me (marketing), updated my resume at hh.ru and checked the “no experience” search box. After receiving many refusals, I finally found an excellent company near my home.

There was a lot of new information, there was no time to raise my head. I was completely immersed in the learning process and from 10 to 18 I didn’t remember about my breakup, there was no physical time. As soon as I completed the tasks assigned to me, I immediately went to the boss’s office and asked for new ones, so as not to sit idle. Occupational therapy really helped and I was released after two weeks.

Additional recommendations:

Tip #1 - Talk to new men (girls)

When you have one person in your head and heart, it is very difficult to think about others. But it is necessary! It is necessary, in the literal sense of the word, to force yourself to communicate with new people of the opposite sex, to let them into your life. When you switch to other people, you spend less and less time thinking about your ex.

Tip #2 - Be social

After work, do not go to an empty apartment, but agree to spend leisure time with your girlfriends or friends. Go to a cafe or club (but an important condition - you can’t drink). Wean yourself from the habit (if you have one) of drowning out suffering with alcohol - it doesn’t work, but aggravates the problem.

Important! When meeting with your friends, you should not talk about your past relationships or recent breakup.

You already know that the brain cannot think about two things at the same time. Therefore, the purpose of spending leisure time with your friends is to distract yourself and push the past out of your head. But how do you force him out if the entire meeting with friends you do nothing but talk about your ex?

Causes of codependent relationships

Codependent relationships, what is it, have sorted it out, now let’s talk about the reasons for such relationships:

Feelings for a partner and a willingness to show care no matter what. Even understanding that relationships bring pain, a codependent person is ready to sacrifice himself so that everything is fine with his partner. But is this love?
Not willing to break the existing connection with a partner. From the series, it’s better this way than nothing. This also includes:

fear of loneliness;
fear that no one else needs (needs);
fear of not meeting your love again.

The hope that care and attention to a loved one will change him, and everything will work out, and everyone will be happy. (We remember that in codependent relationships, the addict sees the root of the problems in the behavior of the partner, but not in himself). This misconception is especially relevant for relationships in which “tyranny” is replaced by a “candy-bouquet” period; the belief that good things can also cloud common sense.
The presence of guilt for a broken relationship. Especially if we are talking about a family with children. Filing an application for divorce is accompanied by a feeling of guilt towards one’s spouse or child; not everyone will decide to take such a step, even if there is nothing left to save in the family. In addition, there is added fear of condemnation of such an act from others.
The psychological aspect is low self-esteem. This form of relationship allows the addict to feel needed and important, especially if the partner has some kind of harmful addiction that he is trying to get rid of.
Fear for your safety. This reason is relevant for couples where oppressive relationships combined with tyranny flourish. There may be threats to life and health or threats to take away children, deprive them of financial stability, etc.
Financial dependence or the inability to independently resolve the issue of place of residence.
Incomplete gestalt - the separation occurred unexpectedly by the sole decision of the partner. In this case, the addict is again and again brought to the unlived situation, replaying in his head the relationship as it could have been if not.... The complexity of codependency in this case is that even when in other relationships, the addict constantly mentally returns to the “unlived until the end of the situation."
The partner gave what was missing since childhood, that is, he covered some personal psychological traumas. For example, a daughter did not see her father’s care, and she received it from her husband, and codependency arose. The worst thing is that this good has blocked out everything bad that is in your partner or simply prevents you from seeing that you have different life principles, worldviews, and views on certain things. As a result, coexistence together is very problematic, sometimes painful for both.

We can say that in most cases the manifestation of codependency is psychological in nature, rarely material. And therefore, in order to get out of this cycle, it is enough to work on yourself, on your fears, childhood traumas inflicted by your parents, and increase your self-esteem. But we’ll talk more about this a little later.

Self-help techniques when the moment hits

After leaving, many codependents begin to experience withdrawal, thoughts enter their heads that they have not done enough, there is a chance to return everything, he (she) will definitely change. Especially in the evening, an irresistible urge to write and call comes over you.

To stop the unpleasant racing thoughts, you can use the following techniques.

Technique 1: repeating the situation many times. Remember when you returned from vacation and how excitedly you wanted to tell everyone about it. They told it once, twice, three times, and by the tenth time I didn’t really want to talk.

This is how it works with negative situations as well. Sit in front of the mirror and start talking about the situation that is troubling you. Do this until you get emotional release.

Technique 2: return to bodily sensations. Shift your focus to your body. How does your right leg feel now? What about the left? Slowly move from bottom to top until your body relaxes.

Then relax your head: your face, the back of your head and what’s inside your head. When we observe our body, our attention moves to the here and now.

Technique 3: Be your own coach. Take a notepad and start writing down everything that worries you. Write the first thing that comes to mind: how alarming, unbearably painful, what melancholy you are experiencing right now, how overcome you are with the desire to call and write. Then burn the paper.

Types of codependent relationships

The forms of codependent relationships arise from the type of interaction between partners.

In general, there are 5 types of codependent relationships:

Egoist + Servant

The egoist believes that the whole world revolves around him, therefore the partner who is next to him is obliged to “fulfill everything I want,” a priori he must adore him and follow all his whims. Therefore, a person who truly loves, idolizes a self-centered person, and has an inherent need to please everyone, would feel ideal in such a relationship.

Control freak+ Dependent

Codependency occurs between a person who wants to control everything and a partner who is not able to make decisions on his own or take responsibility for his life. These are two extremes, which, when coexisting together, are doomed to a long-term union.

Unsure + Anxious

Insecure people most often suffer from low self-esteem, so they need constant approval and support from others. Those who are anxious also need nourishment – words of support. These two personality types can make a wonderful couple in which they will mutually support each other, but only until one of them goes too far and begins to draw all the attention to themselves. The key to the successful development of such an alliance is that they are able to understand each other, which, in their opinion, “callous” people are not capable of.

Accuser + Guilty without guilt

A type of codependency between a person who is inclined to blame others for everything, even in situations where he is to blame, and a person who has a subconscious attitude that he is always to blame for everything. It is in this combination that these two types can coexist together.

Narcissist+ personality with low self-esteem

This type of interaction is based on the fact that one partner increases his own self-esteem at the expense of the other. The narcissist, through his actions and statements, devalues the addict; as a result, one feels strong and significant, while the other feels weak and wretched. But oddly enough, both are satisfied with this state of affairs. If each of them enters into a relationship with a normal partner, then such an alliance is doomed to failure.

Having analyzed the concept of what codependent relationships between a man and a woman are and the forms of these relationships, we can conclude that these are painful types. With this manner of interaction, it is impossible to change the negative qualities and character traits of the partner unless he himself wants to.

Codependent relationships in the family

Forms of codependent relationships can arise in the family, between parents and children, but most often codependent relationships with the mother appear.

Such relationships can manifest themselves in the following forms:

parents establish total control in absolutely all areas of their children’s lives;
despite their age, parents continue to consider their children dependent, helpless and defenseless;
the feelings and desires of children are not taken into account when making decisions regarding their upbringing, development, and personality formation;
parents completely dissolved in their children, live with them and often try to lead them to successes that they could not achieve themselves in childhood (for example, a mother dreamed of becoming a ballerina, but could not realize her goal due to excess weight, now she does everything to become a ballerina). became her daughter, regardless of the child’s wishes).

Codependent relationships in the family are also a problem, but children most often accept this model because they do not have the qualities to make decisions independently and resist the opinions of adults.

Codependent relationship between a man and a woman

Codependent relationships between a man and a woman are a common pattern of behavior. The main “symptom” of such relationships is an attempt to subjugate one of the partners, depriving them of the opportunity to breathe freely.

Codependency between a man and a woman (husband and wife) can manifest itself in the following qualities:

currying the partner’s love by any means, even to the detriment of one’s own interests;
complete dissolution in a partner, disappearance of the perception of oneself as an individual;
the presence of constant fear of losing your soul mate, which results in outbursts of jealousy, anxiety, and restlessness;
establishing total control over the partner’s actions.

The addict perceives his partner as his property; relationships are often accompanied by manipulation and other dishonest methods of influence, so it is important to know and understand how to stop being codependent in a relationship. Very often, a breakup provokes the formation of a gestalt of unfinished relationships.

Where does codependency come from?

This type of relationship is typical for people who grew up in not the most prosperous families. We are talking not only about situations where one of the adults drank, a child was beaten and an unhealthy environment reigned at home. Children of authoritarian parents, those who were overprotected, and those who grew up with seriously ill relatives are prone to codependency. Such a person has problems with his own boundaries, does not have a clear idea of \u200b\u200bhis “I”, and he easily dissolves in his partner.

Julia Hill

As a rule, it does not happen that one person is prone to codependency, and his partner is not. People initially, by subtle signs, identify and find a person who will allow them to serve their mental needs in a relationship. For example, the son of an overbearing mother will probably choose a woman who is not like his parent: quiet, modest, flexible. It is she who will subsequently become the victim, and he - the domestic tyrant, jealous, controlling, criticizing.

Or the daughter of an alcoholic will pay attention to a strong, responsible man, and then their relationship will be based on a struggle for power. Or, on the contrary, for an intelligent person who is helpless in everyday life, and then she will become a “savior mother” for him. Both scenarios with the daughter of an alcoholic have every chance of ending in the husband’s drunkenness.

How to get out of a codependent relationship

Getting out of a codependent relationship is based primarily on understanding and recognizing that you are in this form of relationship with your partner. Because it is codependency that prevents you from ending a relationship that is painful for you.

Codependent relationships, how to get out? How to get out of a codependent relationship with a man? How to get out of a codependent relationship with your husband? Codependent relationships in the family: how to get out of them? Is there a universal tablet suitable for all cases?

Instructions on how to get rid of codependent relationships step by step:

Understand yourself, try to find inner harmony. If it is not possible to work through fears, problems, and psychological trauma on your own, you need to contact a qualified specialist. Only a fully developed personality is able to build normal, harmonious relationships with a partner.
Analyze the relationship you are currently in. Do they suit you? Clearly identify for yourself the existing disagreements and their reasons.
What role do you define for yourself in your existing relationship? Are you a victim or an accuser?
Mentally move beyond the codependency triangle. Visualize the emotions you experience. Do you feel better, do you feel that something has changed? If not, then do the procedure again, in the end you should understand the difference between what you now have and what it should be for the relationship to fully satisfy you.
The most important stage is to understand whether you are able to change the format of the relationship so that your emotions are closer to those that you experienced when you left the triangle.
Depending on the current situation, you will have to make a choice: stay or leave.

if you decide to stay, write down in detail how and what needs to be done to destroy the codependency triangle, start implementing the plan;
if you decide to leave, you will have to go through a different algorithm of actions; in practice, it is not so easy to end a codependent relationship.

In order to correct codependent relationships, it is important to learn not to succumb to the manipulations and provocations of your partner. They are often aimed at self-affirmation and entail underestimation of your importance, self-esteem, etc. Once you understand this, you will be able to transfer the relationship from the category of codependent to normal. If you can’t cope on your own, seek help from a psychologist.

Rules for getting out of a codependent relationship:

Make the decision to leave the codependent relationship. It must be final and irrevocable. You should not negotiate with your partner and give a second (or one hundred and thirty-second) chance.
Set strict boundaries in communication with your partner if this is your relative who is still present in your life one way or another (mother, sister, etc.).
Stay calm no matter what your partner's reaction is. You can use some psychological techniques or conflict resolution methods. Of course, the tyrant will not want to just let his victim go, and as we have already said, he may take on another role to force you to stay.
If you consider it necessary, you can express your feelings and express your dissatisfaction. But here you risk becoming a victim of another manipulation, as a result of which everything will return to normal.
Distance yourself physically and emotionally from your partner. Mind your own business. You don't have them because you were completely immersed in your partner's life? Maybe it's finally time for them to appear? Then you will understand that life does not revolve around your “beloved” person and he is by no means the center of the universe.
Yes, you may be in pain without him, you will be bored, do not suppress these feelings within yourself, release them: write in your diary, discuss in psychotherapy sessions, meditate, etc. Everything is individual, everyone has their own method that will help them crawl out of this swamp. BUT DON'T GO BACK, THERE IS NO ROAD BACK, THE DECISION HAS ALREADY BEEN MADE AND IMPLEMENTED!
Find support if you need it. Communicate more with friends and relatives. And if you feel the need to be alone, try not to close yourself off for long, then it will be difficult to return to society.

Codependency is a disease. To recover from it, it is important to realize that it exists and decide how to get rid of it: correct the relationship or get out of it. You can read more about the relationship between a man and a woman here.

“The anger needed to be taken out somewhere”

After finishing nine classes at a boarding school, I entered a music school - I wanted to play the violin. There I met Yura. He heard about my high test scores and became interested in me. The courtship began. When you constantly feel like an abandoned child, you really want warmth and care. Therefore, as soon as he paid attention to me, I was immediately hooked on him. Now I understand that I fell in love with almost the first person I met.

Yura loved beer, but I didn’t pay attention to it. He tried to please everyone, drank with everyone and knew no limits. After drinking alcohol, he vomited. I myself don’t like alcohol in any form, but I didn’t forbid it, I thought: “So what? All teenagers drink."

When we were 18 years old, his mother offered to move in with them. She was a despotic and strict woman: as a child she beat Yura terribly, and as an adult she tried to control everything. She wanted her son to always remain with her.

I agreed: I liked Yura, and besides, I didn’t have to pay for a dorm room. We both studied and worked part-time, but he still constantly took money from his mother. At some point I became indignant and said that using parents is not good. Then he boiled over, threw a tantrum and began breaking furniture in front of my eyes. I felt guilty because I was the one who put the pressure on. She ran out of the room and then wrote a letter of apology. She stuck it in the crack under the door. After some time, he opened it and said: “I couldn’t beat you, but I needed to throw out my anger somewhere.” And I forgave.

After some time, I became pregnant. We got married, and at the age of 19 I gave birth to a daughter. It seemed that everything would work out, but my mother-in-law began to treat me more strictly. For the slightest offense she could say: “Get your things and leave with your geek!”

The husband also became angrier and more aggressive. He broke furniture, shouted, and a couple of times, in a fit of quarrels, threw me on the floor so that my chest and back hurt. I tried to leave him several times, but always came back. I thought: well, he’s a good guy, he’s just caught in a bad mood. Maybe everything will pass soon? Like some kind of drug addict, I wanted to return to the hell in which I lived.

A few years after the birth of my daughter, I got a job as a salesman in a Turkish company. Then I started earning money and earning even more than my husband. Dreams appeared about Yura and I having a separate apartment, which we could buy at a preferential subsidy. I started saving money for a down payment and thought I could hold out for a few more years. Deep down there was hope that we would move and my husband would change. But things only got worse.

Out of despair, thoughts of suicide sometimes arose. In 2012, we were going to the Rock over the Volga festival, and I thought: “If we crashed now, it would be happiness.” At the same moment, my husband lost control and we had an accident. I was injured, but miraculously survived. Then I thought that I was brought back from the other world for a reason and that I needed to leave something behind. For example, another child. A year and a half later, our son was born.