The ability to make good eye contact is one of the social skills that many people seem to struggle with these days.
How often do you talk to people who don't look you in the eye at all during a conversation? Or the ones you make eye contact with a few times, but then their gaze moves back to the shoes?
In this article we will look at eye contact from all sides, identifying its advantages and patterns.
PART 1: The importance of eye contact
In the first part of the article, we will answer the question of why many people avoid eye contact and look at its basic principles.
Basic techniques for establishing eye contact in business communication
Visual contact is a non-verbal means of communication that reinforces any communication. Directing your gaze towards the interlocutor signals attention and gives feedback. A person, consciously or unconsciously, constantly communicates his attitude to what is happening with the help of his gaze, so we always have the opportunity not only to read from the face of the interlocutor and interpret such information, but also to give similar signals.
Learn to correctly interpret the non-verbal signals of your interlocutor
The main principles of visual contact are unobtrusiveness and openness. Skillful use of this non-verbal means can be considered something that does not interfere with communication, does not alarm the partner, or does not cause discomfort. This requires skill and at least basic knowledge from the field of psychology.
In the ethics of business communication, there are several important techniques for establishing visual contact:
2/3 of the communication time should be focused on the interlocutor’s face; an official look is a concentration of attention on the area of the face in the area of the bridge of the nose or slightly higher - in the area of the “third eye”; during a business conversation, you should avoid staring (more than 10 seconds): a few moments (2-3 seconds) are enough to establish contact, while a sliding or constantly escaping gaze can be read as timidity and uncertainty; during a monologue, it is necessary to concentrate attention on the interlocutor’s face several times, at the end of the speech, increase the frequency of turning towards the partner, in the finale, you can hold your gaze into the opponent’s eyes for a longer period - 3-4 seconds; It is advisable to control not only the direction and frequency of the gaze, but in general facial expressions – your own (demonstrating sincerity and openness) and the interlocutor’s (reading his agreement or disagreement with what is happening).
The ability to use eye contact, control the expression of your gaze and the ability to read such non-verbal signals can become one of the conditions for successful business communication.
Visual, auditory or kinesthetic?
Neuro-linguists offer their explanation. Whether a person likes to look into the eyes or tries to quickly look away - it depends on the way he thinks. Visual learners think through visual images, which is why it is so necessary for them to focus on their eyes in order to “read” the missing information.
For auditory learners, sounds are important - they are more likely to listen to the timbre and intonation of the voice, looking somewhere to the side. Kinesthetics, based on intuition and tactile sensations, during communication try to touch the interlocutor, hug, shake hands, while they usually look down.
General principles for effective eye contact
So, what do you need to do to make good eye contact?
1. Maintain reciprocity
Typically, when you look people in the eye for the first time, they look away. But most people are simply waiting for permission to reciprocate. Research has shown that once one person initiates eye contact in a conversation, the other will follow suit after a while.
But there is no need to be intrusive. For eye contact to be effective, it must be desired and appropriate. When eye contact is not desired, gazes are perceived as distrustful and intense.
Eye contact leads to physiological arousal. It increases prefrontal brain activity and activates the sympathetic nervous system, increasing heart rate, sweating and breathing. Moreover, this happens not only when you look directly into someone’s eyes, but also when you feel that someone is looking at you.
This kind of arousal can be positive - if you and a beautiful woman look into the eyes of your interlocutor, it creates a more intense connection. But when someone looks at you suspiciously, you feel creepy, you immediately feel threatened.
If you have made 2-3 attempts to initiate eye contact with someone and have not received any reciprocation, give up on the idea.
2. Keep your distance
When you're talking to someone you don't know well, lean back or step back a little to put more distance between you.
The extra space between each other reduces the intensity of eye contact and will make the other person feel more comfortable. It will also help you maintain distance in your relationship.
Conversely, when someone is talking to you about something important and personal, lean forward as you look into their eyes, showing that you are giving the conversation your full attention. 3. Switch between eyes
Switch between eyes
3. Switch between eyes
Focus your gaze on one eye of the interlocutor and sometimes switch your attention between the eyes. . When you sit next to someone, you can't look at both of their eyes at the same time
If you try to do this, your gaze will become repulsive and laser-like.
When you sit next to someone, you cannot look at both of their eyes at the same time. If you try to do this, your gaze will become repulsive and laser-like.
You may have never thought about it, but when you look into someone's eyes, you are only looking into one eye.
You probably already have a habit of focusing on a specific eye of the person you are talking to. But during a conversation, it’s good to switch your gaze from one eye to the other.
This makes your gaze appear more natural and indicates your attention and interest more clearly.
Don't look between your eyes too often—you don't want to look like you're watching a ping-pong match.
There is an assumption that since you cannot look into both eyes of a person at the same time, you should look at the bridge of his nose. But in this case, your gaze will be artificial.
4. Do not bend
Long eye contact is good... up to a point. Approximately every 5-10 seconds, look away from the other person’s eyes for a moment. Repeat this over and over again throughout the conversation. Find a natural rhythm - don't count the seconds in your head.
If you don't know how to find this ri. Look at one person's eye, then at his other eye, then at his mouth. And so on.
Look away when you are trying to collect your thoughts.
It is normal and appropriate to break eye contact and look away from someone when you are remembering, thinking about, or gathering your thoughts.
When you look away, look away, not down. Looking down indicates low self-esteem, shame or fear. This is probably not what you want to show to your interlocutor.
5. Practice eye contact
Learning to make good eye contact is something you can do relatively quickly and easily. It just takes practice.
Start by increasing the amount of time you make eye contact with family and friends. Then increase eye contact with your colleagues and acquaintances.
As you begin to feel comfortable making eye contact with people, work on making eye contact with salespeople and waiters. After that, start making eye contact with strangers and you'll soon become a true eye contact expert!
How to learn to withstand someone else's gaze
There are individuals who would like to be able to maintain eye contact with the interlocutor when necessary. After all, in words it is quite simple, but in reality it is not always. Such a person should practice in front of a mirror to learn how to make his gaze open and interested, without unnecessary tension or fear. Such a look will help to win over the interlocutor, and, as a result, such communication will be more productive. You can first practice on your loved ones, family members or friends, then switch to colleagues. It is also recommended to learn to concentrate on the words of the interlocutor and not allow extraneous thoughts swirling in your head to interfere with the discussion. Over time, the skill will develop and making eye contact with the interlocutor will no longer be a problem. The main thing is not to be afraid of anything and try to sincerely love communication. We should not forget that the golden mean is good in everything. A persistently averted gaze is just as bad as a too persistent, unceremonious, long and unblinking gaze. Such a look will make the interlocutor feel awkward and may force him to quickly interrupt the conversation.
People who know how to look openly and unobtrusively, in a friendly and interested way are always more successful than those who have certain problems making eye contact. This is a very important detail in human communication. And this can be learned. It is important to sincerely love contacting people and discussing with them. After all, subconsciously the interlocutors read each other’s true mood. And ultimately, the positive outcome of the conversation and mutual sympathy depend on him.
- about the author
- Copyright materials
psy-zoom
This is a blog on psychology from a professional psychologist, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Zoom About us/Make an appointment
Latest materials: (See all)
- The gift is not dear to me, yours is dear... What if there is no love? — December 15, 2021
- Healthy selfishness: why is it completely ethical to take care of your own interests? — December 15, 2021
- “No offense”: Seven rules for talking about feelings - December 14, 2021
The role and influence of eye contact
It is known that women are, on average, better at making and maintaining eye contact than men. But this doesn't mean that men should now simply shrug their shoulders and accept this predisposition.
The ability to make eye contact is a skill that every person should work on. It is proven to create incredible benefits.
Before diving into the topic, watch a short video about the importance of playing with your eyes when communicating
Numerous studies have shown that people who are able to make eye contact are perceived as:
- Calm and powerful;
- Reliable and personable;
- Attractive and pleasant;
- Qualified, experienced and competent;
- Honest and sincere;
- Confident and emotionally stable.
When eye contact is established, it not only makes you more attractive in every way, but also improves the quality of your interactions with other people. It makes the experience feel meaningful and leaves the recipient of your gaze with a more positive impression of the relationship with you.
In short, making eye contact improves the quality of your interactions with people. There is no area of your life where by using eye contact you will not be seen as more attractive, confident and trustworthy.
The ability to look people in the eye and hold their gaze can help you build relationships, find a job, realize an idea, give a moving speech, be successful with the opposite sex, and intimidate your enemies.
Eye contact can help a lawyer persuade a jury, a boxer intimidate an opponent, and a politician win the trust of his constituents.
It can even help a musician win new fans. Research has shown that the more eye contact there is between a musician and his audience, the more people enjoy his music.
The best part is that improving your eye contact can be relatively quick and easy. In the second part of the article, we'll cover all the practical details of this and offer you some useful tips for making eye contact for both general conversational situations and specific scenarios.
We'd like to start by exploring why making eye contact is so important for forming relationships with other people, and why eye contact can be so difficult to establish.
Specificity of views
Psychologists distinguish three main types of gaze orientation. Using them, you can easily determine a person’s attitude to the information received, namely:
- businesslike - such a gaze is directed slightly above the interlocutor’s eyes and directed into a kind of triangle created mentally on the interlocutor’s forehead. It is often used during business negotiations or when meeting strangers;
- personal – focused on the partner’s eyes and a little lower, on a kind of triangle under the eyes. They often look at friends, relatives and good acquaintances with this look. It is perfect when talking with such people and creates an atmosphere of relaxed communication;
- intimate – a glancing glance over the interlocutor’s entire body. He can often be found when people of different sexes communicate, and he shows interest not in the conversation at all, but in something else.
You can also highlight the sideways glance, which is not included in this top three. It is often used when the other person is interested or hostile. When interested, it is accompanied by raising the eyebrows and a peculiar smile, and hostility or suspicion is expressed by combining a sidelong glance with a frowning forehead.
Direct eye contact in some cultures
The eyes are an integral part of the face when it comes to observing or communicating non-verbal information. Each of the seven universal expressions of emotions has pronounced changes that are reflected on the face, which can lead to the fact that we begin to feel the emotions of another person, and our thinking almost completely changes.
While traveling, interaction with others is inevitable, but depending on where you go, reading faces and eyes may not be as easy because different cultures around the world have different attitudes toward eye contact. Because cultural norms are different therefore people from different countries communicate differently. The amount, duration, and interpretations of eye contact will differ depending on where you are.
In the United States and other European countries such as Spain, France and Germany, direct eye contact is considered a sign of attentiveness, honesty, trust and respect, understanding what the other person is saying. In American Indian and most Latin American, Asian and African cultures, the opposite is true. Among these peoples, direct eye contact is considered bold, confrontational and aggressive. Because these cultures follow traditions of maintaining social hierarchy, avoiding direct eye contact is a sign of respect for elders and superiors, and is used to maintain harmony between people.
Eye contact in a business environment
In Muslim countries of the Middle East, direct eye contact is acceptable and is considered a sign of sincerity and trust between people of the same sex. Direct eye contact between men and women, however, is not observed and is minimal if it occurs.
In the Islamic faith, Muslims often lower their eyes and try not to fixate on the opposite sex's face and eyes after initial eye contact, other than their legal partners or family members, to avoid possible unwanted desires. Lustful glances from members of the opposite sex, young or adult, are also prohibited. This means that eye contact between a man and a woman is only allowed for a second or two. This is practiced in most Islamic schools, with some exceptions, such as if a young man comes looking for a girl for marriage. If this is allowed, it is allowed only in accordance with the general rule: the gaze should not express “desire”, only pure eye contact is allowed. Otherwise, this is not allowed, and is considered “adultery of the eyes.”
Just because you're from a country where direct eye contact is the norm doesn't mean other people won't be offended or embarrassed when someone insists on making eye contact while you're talking to them. If you live in a country where direct contact is required to be avoided, you may be dismayed that someone could be so bold as to look you straight in the eye. This is especially unpleasant if the person is younger than you, subordinate to you, or of a different gender. By being aware of these cultural norms, you can facilitate communication, allowing people to accept each other as they are and adapt to the cultural style of communication. By knowing the culture and norms, you can improve your non-verbal communication skills. Through constant training, you will be able to choose the right body language and signals, especially if you find it difficult to look directly into someone's eyes.
How to make effective eye contact?
What view can be called effective for achieving your goals? Usually people look at the bridge of the nose or at the point of the third eye located above it. However, according to psychologists, this is not the best option, since it can be regarded as uncomfortable and depressing. This view is focused because it is aimed only at a specific area and not at the whole picture. A defocused gaze is more effective.
Don't get me wrong
Both of these views are useful, but they are used depending on whether you need to concentrate your attention on details or position yourself not as an observer, but primarily as an interlocutor
Thus, it is better to look at the face out of focus. Such contact is relaxed. At the same time, you can track facial expressions on your partner’s face and notice his emotions.
Tip: you should keep in mind the following areas - small and large triangles, A4 sheet.
Small triangle
This is the connection between the left and right eyes, as well as the mouth. The effectiveness of considering this area is that the subtlest facial expressions are captured, for example, you can follow a person’s breathing.
Big triangle
The head and shoulders form this area. Using it, you can analyze a person’s mental states through the tilt of the head, neck height and shoulder movements.
A4 sheet
The optimal sphere for creating visual contact. Mentally place a sheet in front of the person in a vertical position, which will include the eyes, nasal cavity, neck and shoulders.
Article information
This article was produced by our experienced team of editors and researchers, who reviewed it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Category: Communication
In other languages:
English: Look People in the Eye, Français: avoir un bon contact visuel, Italiano: Guardare le Persone negli Occhi, Español: hacer buen contacto visual, Deutsch: Einander in die Augen schauen, Português: Olhar as Pessoas nos Olhos, Bahasa Indonesia: Menatap Mata Orang Lain, العربية: التواصل البصري مع الناس, Nederlands: Mensen in de ogen kijken, Tiếng Việt: Giao tiếp bằng mắt, 中文:直视别人的眼睛, ไทย: สบตาคน
This page has been viewed 13,308 times.
Was this article helpful?
Not really
Restoring relationships
Eye contact can also help repair relationships
Psychologists study what happens when two estranged people come face to face—without speaking—to look each other in the eyes. Considering that the center of many breakdowns in relationships is the lack of effective communication, then eye contact can show a person: “I am paying attention, I am looking at you, you are the center of my attention” and I do not have a decrease in sex drive. This way, it can show the person that we are interested in them and are “hearing” their message. Prolonged eye contact between aloof people can have a priming effect. Priming is essentially a relationship between two related things
“For example, if you say 'sleep', you might think of 'bed' because they are related. The dream is “adjacent” to the idea of the bed. This means that if two strangers are forced to look into each other's eyes, this can replenish the long-lost feeling of intimacy. But many variables and external factors will contribute to the interpretation of what the gaze implies. When a person can maintain eye contact with an interlocutor, he can thereby increase his chances of receiving and maintaining a good impression.
Is the person lying?
There is such an established stereotype: a person cannot look his interlocutor in the eyes while lying. But British psychologists from the University of Portsmouth are convinced that everything is happening quite the opposite. When a person tells a lie, he wants to make sure that it is really accepted by the interlocutor, and therefore he continuously watches his emotions and looks intently into his eyes.
Factors that determine our eye contact:
Distance. In elevators, we turn to face the door because we're standing too close, and reducing the distance between our gazes helps reduce discomfort when our personal space is violated.
The topic of conversation. It is no coincidence that Catholic confessionals and psychiatric sofas are positioned in such a way as to try to reduce the amount of eye contact between the priest or doctor and the person. When people talk about shameful and annoying things or look inward, they feel better when they don't actually see others.
Interpersonal relationships. People look at those they love more than others. Our pupils dilate more when we look at those we like. Gaze can also signal dominance: More powerful people stare longer. It should be taken into account that a direct gaze signals a threat, while averting the gaze is most likely a signal of appeasement.
Cooperation. The degree to which people are willing to cooperate rather than compete is often conveyed through eye contact. The duration and type of gaze are important: the overall meaning of a prolonged gaze is that the person is interested and attentive. However, when combined with certain expressions, it can just as easily indicate threat.
Personality. Extroverts look at their interlocutors more often and longer than introverts. Self-confident, flamboyant and socially dominant types of people are looked at more, while this is not typical for socially anxious individuals.
Appearance. People look less at disabled people and less attractive people and vice versa.
Mental illness. Many psychopathologies are associated with decreased eye contact, especially autism and paranoia. Schizophrenics and people suffering from depression tend to avoid gaze.
People disguise eye contact by wearing sunglasses or umbrellas. Blind people do this to show their blindness, but also because they can't look people in the eye. Security guards wear dark glasses to prevent possible suspects from seeing where they are looking. Traffic police use mirrored glasses to reduce the possibility of conflict: angry or nervous drivers may put off confrontation if they not only cannot see the police officers' eyes, but are also forced to see themselves through their eyes. They experience objective self-awareness, seeing themselves as objects without seeing those with whom they are communicating. Most of us know people who close their eyes while talking. This may mean that the person is bored or feels superior. They deny the speaker and the ability to receive and give feedback. The way rooms are furnished can maximize or minimize eye contact. How chairs, desks and other office paraphernalia are arranged can also be a clue to a person's personality and their preferred mode of communication. Because the placement of furniture can dictate how close you sit to each other, how easy it is to look into each other's eyes, the angle of eye contact or the direction of gaze. So, our gaze is a trivial non-verbal behavior or an important way of communicating, conscious and unconscious, with each other ? How important do you think eye contact is?
Nonverbal power
One interesting study can tell us about the power of nonverbal signals in general, in which the difference between verbal and nonverbal signals was clarified. As a result, it turned out that people are more willing to trust non-verbal signals, especially in those moments when facial expressions and words contradict each other.
Actually, this only confirms the fact that the eyes send stronger signals and are even better informants than all other parts of the face combined. Therefore, psychologists, psychiatrists, psychics and other charlatans, when working from photography, first look at the eyes. They already know that the eyes produce seven times more information than the mouth and gestures.
Why is it important to make eye contact when speaking?
A strong and confident look is a demonstration of strength. It is not enough to speak confidently and back up your words with actions; you need to behave like a leader. This can be done by looking. Your gaze should be piercing. It is best if random passers-by lower their eyes when you look.
Reasons why gaze is important:
- A confident look makes you look better in the eyes of your interlocutor
- Shows your confidence and seriousness of intentions
- Talks about openness and honesty
Why is it important to make eye contact when speaking?
Liars don't look away
Old folk wisdom says that identifying a liar in a conversation is easier than picking a wild boar with a toothpick - he will always look away. Psychological research has shown that this is not true, or at least not a sign that can be trusted with 100% confidence.
Nowadays, liars have become so seasoned that they can easily control their emotions and can switch the dynamics and topic of the conversation at any moment, and for this they need to look more into their eyes.
Scientists, as usual, conducted an experiment in which they asked two improvised thieves to take large sums from wallets. Of course, their reaction was recorded, and it did not at all resemble the little eyes darting back and forth and attempts to curtail the conversation - on the contrary, they tried to look more into the eyes of their victims.
What do the eyes convey?
The gaze conveys the exact state of a person, and if it can be controlled, then the pupils do not lend themselves to any conscious control and fully express the genuine feelings of the interlocutor. If you look closely at your opponent's eyes, you can see his interest or excitement. At the same time, the pupils dilate significantly and remain in this state until such a feeling disappears. A gloomy mood, a feeling of anger at one’s interlocutor constricts the pupils.
Studies on card players showed that when playing poker, those wearing darkened glasses won much more often. By carefully observing the player, you can tell with confidence when he receives a good card, as his pupils dilate, expressing joy and surprise at the same time. When a bad card is dealt, they narrow, which indicates the player's sadness and frustration.
This method is often used by market sellers. Even the ancient pearl traders learned how to properly bargain for their goods. When discussing the price with the buyer, they carefully monitored his pupils, and if they widened with joyful surprise or shrank with sadness, they varied the price of the product.
Lie
It can be assumed that the person does not want his interlocutor to guess about his true emotions or intentions, and is trying to hide any information. As a rule, if a person is lying, then in addition to the lack of eye contact with him, there may be such signs as:
1) attempts to avoid the topic of conversation, discussion of unnecessary details
2) pallor or redness of the face
3) touching the nose or lips
4) tense facial expression and posture
5) fast and confused speech.
It should be noted that a person who behaves this way is not necessarily lying. He may simply not want to tell his interlocutor anything. For example, try to hide your negative emotions - envy, condemnation, indifference.
Bad mood
Chraecker / Pixabay
Also, regardless of the situation and conversation, the participant in the discussion may be upset for some personal reason. There is also a possibility that this person is angry towards the interlocutor and wants to hide it. In this case, his pupils may be constricted.
Sign up for our psychological consultation (Moscow), in person or Zoom:
Psychological violence, recovery from abusers and narcissists, breaking up with an abuser, changing abusive behavior, self-esteem, the “no longer a victim” program, relationships, loss of meaning, nice (comfortable) person syndrome, age-related crises, existential problems, loneliness, relationships “adult children” – parents,” and more...
About us/Make an appointment
Effectiveness of eye contact
In 1985, a study published in an American journal stated that "three-month-old infants are relatively insensitive to being the object of someone else's visual communication."
A 1996 Canadian study of three- to six-month-old infants found that children this age smiled for shorter durations, especially when making eye contact with adults.
But just recently, British researchers discovered that direct gaze facilitated recognition of adult faces by newborns. Other recent studies have confirmed that adults' direct gaze influences infants' gaze persistence.
Eye contact between mother and baby
Recent research shows that eye contact has a positive effect on the retention and retrieval of information and may promote more effective learning.
A study conducted by psychologists shows that children who avoided eye contact when answering questions had higher rates of correct answers than children who maintained constant eye contact
One researcher suggested that continuously looking at a human face requires a lot of mental processing, which takes attention away from the cognitive task. The researchers also noted that a blank stare indicates a lack of understanding
How to make eye contact?
Dr Gwyneth Doherty-Shadon said: “Making eye contact requires quite a lot of mental effort. We receive useful information when we listen to someone, but human faces have stimulating influences and require constant processing. Therefore, when we are trying to concentrate on a process that requires mental effort, it is useless to look at the face of the interlocutor.”
Some people have more difficulty finding and making eye contact than others. For example, people who have autism spectrum disorder or social anxiety may be particularly anxious about eye contact.
In humans, eye contact can be seen as personal involvement and the creation of an intimate connection. Mutual gaze narrows the physical contact between people.
Animals of many species, including dogs, often perceive eye contact as a threat. Experts recommend avoiding direct eye contact with an unknown dog to avoid becoming a victim of a bite. According to a report in the New Zealand Medical Journal, young children are more likely to be victims of a dog attack because they maintain eye contact out of curiosity or persuasion, perhaps thinking that eye contact will allow them to subdue the animal.
In the 1990s, the legendary black bear returned to Maryland's Catoctin Mountain Park after a twenty-year absence. Park officials recommend that visitors avoid direct eye contact, especially if the bear is standing on its hind legs.
Techniques for making eye contact
Chimpanzees use eye contact to signal aggression in hostile encounters, so looking directly at zoo chimpanzees can induce agitated behavior.
How important is eye contact?
Proper eye contact will make a girl feel emotions. Including .
But why is it often so difficult to look a girl in the eyes and not look away?
There may be several explanations for this. Let's start with natural. A direct, confident, spontaneous, “without taking your eyes off” gaze is an indicator of a strong male. He is confident in himself, is not afraid of anyone or anything, and does what he wants.
If a person hides his gaze, avoids eye contact, then this may indicate that he has some kind of... Maybe his mother didn’t raise him the way a boy should be raised by a potentially strong man, or maybe some negative situations happened in his life that could affect his self-confidence.
This is interesting: 10 signs of stress that should not be ignored (video)
Explanation from the perspective of neurolinguistics
Neurolinguists also offer their own version of why a person does not make eye contact. In their opinion, such behavior depends on what kind of thinking he has. Thus, visual learners use visual images, and it is important for them to focus on the eyes in order to “read” missing information. Auditory learners focus on sounds. And therefore, most likely, they will listen to the intonation and timbre of the voice, looking to the side. Kinesthetics, based on tactile sensations and intuition, try to touch a person during communication, shake hands, hug, and look down at the same time.
"Broken Heart" Isn't Just a Metaphor
There is evidence that stressful events such as separation, divorce, loss of a loved one, betrayal or even being at a distance from a loved one can cause pain in the heart. This condition is called “Broken Heart Syndrome”. Deep emotional experiences trigger certain brain chemicals that significantly weaken the functioning of the heart, leading to severe chest pain and difficulty breathing. This disease most often affects women, and doctors often confuse it with a heart attack.
